Doesn’t happen – not to a boy like me;
‘born on the wrong side of the sheets’,
as Mum said they used to say in the ‘old days’.
Funny how it is though; just thinking
of her makes me smile.
What a fantastic mum she was
to the four of us...all girls, except
yours truly, of course. She worked
like stink to feed and clothe us;
never did settle down with anyone –
not what you’d call permanent-like.
They all slung their hooks – eventually.
Us kids became her life; she saw us right.
Any road, it didn’t bother me, nor my sisters.
Speaking of which, I’m glad she never had
no more boys; they might have finished up
losers – just like I was, in the end.
Today, looking over her trembling shoulder,
wanting to kiss her tears away – to touch
her cheek that suddenly looks so old,
I see I made it; I hit the fucking headlines!
‘Not bad going – eh, Mum? Even though
I say it myself. Bet you’re proud of me now.
‘The Hundredth British Soldier This Year
Dies in Helmand Province’.
What’s up? No smiles for your famous son?
Comments
MistakenMagic | December 9, 2009 - 09:25
'‘The Hundredth British Soldier This Year
Dies in Helmand Province’... My battle
over. Hers – only beginning.'
- such haunting last lines Tina! And Ilove the narrator's dialect,it really enhances a wonderful poem ;)
Magic xxx
Ewan | December 9, 2009 - 10:07
Actually, I have a quibble about the last line and a half. For me the 'Hers - only beginning' is a little obvious; I think it doesn't leave the reader anything to work out.
Although you prefigure the ending with 'kiss away, etc, I'd be tempted to try pointing up the contrast in reactions earlier still, perhaps by inserting "shaking" before "shoulder" in the second last stanza.
It's just that I think your poem would be all the more poignant without hammering the point home in with that last line and a half. What do you think?
Regards
Ewan
Silver Spun Sand | December 9, 2009 - 10:36
Magic, thank you so much for reading. I just felt compelled to get something down on paper about this.
And so it goes...
Tina:-)xxx
shoe | December 9, 2009 - 10:40
I agree with Magic, your characters dialect always roots them in reality, and the reality is sometimes gritty, yet the sadness and poignancy shows through,
a trace of bitterness too,
Shirley :-)
Silver Spun Sand | December 9, 2009 - 10:57
Shirley, much obliged to you for reading and for your greatly valued thoughts.
Tina;-)
Silver Spun Sand | December 9, 2009 - 12:14
Yep, I think you're probably right, Ewan. Shall have a little ponder. Thanks for your interest and much valued comments;-)
Just popped back to say I have had a little 'tinker' with the whole of that stanza, bearing in mind your advice. As to the ending, I agree...those lines before,were totally negating. Many thanks, again;-)
Tina
Beeme | December 9, 2009 - 21:41
This is so bittersweet Tina and so beautiful. I enjoyed this greatly and the last stanza is perfect. I agree with Shoe and Magic, the poem is so alive the narrative is very strong as are the characters.
Beeme xx
Nathan Bednarek | December 9, 2009 - 23:08
Beautiful x
Silver Spun Sand | December 9, 2009 - 23:11
Beeme - thank you. Your poetry is coming on in leaps and bounds, and I do so thank you for taking the trouble, effort and time, to read my contribution to this whirlwind world of ours;-)
Tina xx
Silver Spun Sand | December 10, 2009 - 08:43
;-) Thank you, kind sir x