Dog, Cat and Rat are sprawled across the sofa watching daytime television. Dog is getting restless.
Dog: “As riveting as Antiques Roadshow is, and it isn’t, when can we do something besides watching TV?”
Cat: “I just wanna see this bitch drop her urn. I think that would be very funny,”
Rat: “Ha. I’m trying to work out who’s the bigger shit pot; her or the urn?”
Cat: “Oh-oh!”
Dog: “So let me get this straight: we’ve been watching what I’d call, in my respectful critical opinion, boring shite for three hours in the vain hope that some 16th Century pottery will get smashed?”
Rat: (Scratches himself) “Errrr, yeah,”
Cat: “Thought you would have loved this sorta thing Dog, you know, being a posh twat and all,”
Dog: (Matter-of-factly) “I am a collie dog, and I have an appreciation of affordable wines; that alone does not make me either posh, or a twat, Cat,”
Rat: “I agree; it’s the all the bollocks you talk that makes you a twat,”
Cat: “He’s done you over Dog!”
Dog: “Urrrm sorry, who pays the TV license Rat? Is it me? Yes I think it is me, isn’t it? Let…me…just…check… errr yes. Yes I think it’s me that pays it,”
Cat: “We all pay for Sky, Dog,”
Rat: “Shh,”
Dog: “Yeah, and I pay the TV License. So I’m paying out twice, and not once do I get to choose what we watch,”
Rat: (With condescension) “Awww pickle! Did lickle woofers not get to choooose what comes on the tellybox?”
Dog: “Cock,”
Rat: “Ballbag,”
Cat: “We let you watch the news last week at your request Dog, remember?”
Dog: “…because the remote was out of batteries,”
Cat: “Either way,”
They sit silent for a few minutes.
Dog: “Well at least we’re getting our money’s worth. We’ve been watching it non-stop all bloody week,”
Rat: “Dog, relax man; we’ve had a stressful week trying to work out how to change the remote batteries, and now we just want to sit down, relax and watch some TV,”
Cat: “Yeah Dog. Relax,”
Dog: “I am relaxed. I am very fucking relaxed. All we ever do is relax, and I’m anxious to go out! It’s my nature, and so should it be yours,”
Cat: (Fidgets slightly) “Later, Dog,”
Dog: (Sits quietly for a moment, then stands up) “Let’s go for a run!”
Cat: (Unenthusiastically) “Yeah… Maybe later…”
Dog: (Sits in front of the television) “No, now,”
Rat: “Dog, are you fucking mental? Shift it,”
Dog: “No Rat, you’re getting chubby; you need a run,”
Rat: “Go fuck yourself,”
Dog: “Rat, I’m worried about you. You eat, eat, eat and never exercise,”
Rat: “Total sterotyping. ‘I’m a rat therefore I eat shit’ is a fucking evil preconception, especially coming from a land mammal who I’ve seen literally eating shit off the street,”
Dog: “I was in a dark hour, Rat. How insensitive of you to bring that up,”
Cat: “You play with fire, Dog, you play with fire,”
Dog: “I’m just worried about your health, Rat. Sue me for caring!”
Rat: “You’re worried about my health!?”
Cat: “Are we choosing to forget the bowl of mince you lapped up on Thursday Dog? Ya know, the bowl of mince that was meant for everyone?”
Dog: “I am bigger and thus I need more energy intake. Plus I made good use of it by going for a run in the park,”
Rat: “If chasing your own tail counts as good exercise then I’m sorted,” (rummages around behind himself and pulls his tail onto his lap)
Cat: “Dog will you move please; it’s nearly over,”
Dog: “No. We’re going for a fun run. I insist!”
Rat: “I insist that you are a twat and should move,”
Dog: “You’ll thank me for this one day, Rat,”
Cat: “He’ll what you for this one day?”
Dog: “Thank,”
Cat: “Thought you said something else…”
Rat: “Why the fuck would I thank you for making me run? Being ten sizes smaller means I’d be doing ten times the work,”
Dog: (Gets up) “Come on. We won’t go far a promise,”
Cat: “Oh it’s over now. Cheers Dog,”
Dog: (Turns to look at TV)
TV: “…and you can catch Antiques Roadshow at the same time tomorrow. Up next: 60 Minute makeover,”
Dog: “WE’RE STAYING,”
