SEX, LIES AND VASCECTOMIES

"Dr. Who

I opened the door nervously. "Good evening Doctor, I said.
"It's Mister¦¦¦Mister Coombes, he replied in a monotone voice.
"No ' Mister Gee! I asserted.
"No I'm Mister Coombes he said.
"Oh ' I thought you were the doctor! I said.
"I AM the doctor! he said. Adding ' "I'm a surgeon!
"I see! Not quite made it to Doctor yet! I quipped.
"I was Doctor ' only now I'm Mister
"Been struck off have you?
At this point, Joanne my wife, butted in ' telling me to "shut up!

"The Omen

We sat down, while he explained to us what a vasectomy meant.
"You do realise there is very little chance of a reversal if you change your mind after the operation? Supposing you were to remarry one day ' you might want more children. Have you thought about that?
We nodded ' but to tell the truth, I hadn't given it a thought. Little did I know that those words would prove to be so prophetic. Then, turning to speak directly to Joanne, he asked, "Have you considered sterilization?
Quick as a flash I interjected. "Not since we used the last of the "Milton to sterilize the tropical fish tank!
Another "shut up swiftly followed from Joanne.
"The fish died, by the way, I added.
Joanne calmly explained that we had discussed it ' deciding that vasectomy was the low-risk option. Funny ' I don't remember that.
"Well ' if you are determined to go ahead ' I can fit you in next Wednesday
at 12 noon.
"Right, I said ' trying to sound nonchalant.
"Any more questions? he asked.
"Just one - will it hurt?
"Not at all ' just a slight pulling sensation, he said, reassuringly.
"That's OK then, I replied, swallowing hard.
"See you next Wednesday at noon then. Don't forget to read the leaflet you've been given. Goodbye, he said.
On the way home, Joanne explained that unfortunately she had an important Press briefing on Wednesday and would I be OK on my own? She'd started a new job as part-time Press Officer for the local police force and thought it might look bad if she missed the briefing. I told her I quite understood and that I would get a taxi there and back.

"The Sting

Laying there - on the operating couch ' looking down at the old fella ' I considered how unimpressive he looked. Especially when stretched to a flaccid three inches in length ' being held firmly between thumb and forefinger of a surgically-gloved hand! The pretty young nurse seemed none too startled by JT either.

Coombes seemed altogether more buoyant than on our last meeting. I, on the other hand, knowing he was about to slice into my genitalia, was considerably less so.
"Would you like us to hide your view, or would you like to watch ' if your are not too squeamish? he asked.
"I'd love to watch! I lied.
"Do you mind if we leave the radio on? the nurse asked.
"Not at all. I replied. In fact I wouldn't have noticed it had they not started playing Rod Stewart's "The First Cut is the Deepest. Very apt I thought but said nothing.
"Now just relax! he said.
Are you mad, I thought, I'll just lie here and possibly have a little nap, shall I, while you make hamburger of my pride and joy.
You'll just feel a little prick to start with, he said.
"That's all right ' I've felt quite a big one ever since I agreed to have this done! I said.
The next sensation I experienced, could only be described as what I imagined a chicken would feel, having its innards pulled out, prior to its legs being shoved up its bottom and secured by an elastic ligature!

He finished sewing me up, then said, "Give it a rest for a couple of days, then follow the post-operative instructions on the leaflet.
I struggled to my feet and started to walk, having to stoop forward to reduce the pulling sensation and looking as if my tie was caught in my fly.

After a day or so I read the leaflet and tried to follow the instructions.
Now I don't know about you ' but I'd never been required to perform a "five-finger shuffle on demand before. Suddenly ' my brave little soldier went AWOL! The leaflet also said, "No unprotected sex. Fat chance of that ' even if I had felt up to it! Joanne seemed thoroughly put-off by the whole business.

"Pride and Prejudice

The queue at the pathology Lab reception wasn't very long ' only about five people waiting for blood tests. After about ten minutes I finally reached the hatch. By now, the waiting-room was quite full ' the queue behind me, considerably longer. Sheepishly, I handed over my sample bottle ' discretely wrapped in a thick, plain white, polythene bag.
The receptionist, a vivacious blonde in her early forties I guess, took the sample from me, smiled and said,
"Thank you Mr. Gee. Would you just mind waiting over there for a moment while we check it's OK?

As I moved to one side, I noticed the sample being handed to a rather large lady with red hair, who immediately took it from the bag in full view of the now, very long queue and held it up to the light for all to see and proceeded to shake it ' vigorously! Looking disgruntled, she moved out of sight, towards the back of the lab. Meanwhile, I slid along the wall, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. At this point, my mind started to wander ' attempting to guess why everyone else was there. Consequently ' I didn't notice the red-head return to the hatch. Until - that is - she announced in a tone reminiscent to that of a megaphone ' "MR GEE! YOUR SAMPLE SEEMS OK ' BIT OFA SHORT MEASURE THOUGH! WE MAY REQUIRE ANOTHER SAMPLE FROM YOU ' WE'LL LET YOU KNOW!
I couldn't help noticing how many of the waiting throng, found it necessary to clear their throats at that precise moment. Avoiding eye contact with anyone ' I left to return for work. "Short measure indeed! Personally ' I was just thankful my equipment was still functional¦¦..after all it had been through.

BETRAYAL

The test proved negative and things returned to normal ' at least what I perceived as normal. I was 36 ' at the time ' a qualified accountant working for a provincial firm in Norwich. Jo and I had three kids. Apollo, the eldest was 11, next came Ula who was 9. Not forgetting the baby of the family ' 7 year old Effy. Joanne was based at the Norfolk Constabulary HQ in Norwich and worked mornings one week and afternoons the next.

One lunchtime, I had just completed an audit at a nearby farm and knowing it was Jo's early week, I decided not to go back to the office but to go home instead. I thought, as she had been feeling tired recently, we might be able to "get it on ' for a change! We could just fit it in before the kids needed picking up from school if we were lucky.

When I arrived home it was obvious Jo was thinking along the same lines ' except she'd already started without me. Quietly, I shut the front door behind me and crept upstairs to our bedroom. The door was ajar and I could see that Detective Inspector Quested, a supposed friend, was carrying out a very thorough investigation ' his impressive credentials conspicuously on display. It was clear that they hadn't heard me coming at all ' although the reverse was definitely not the case! To cut a long story short ' a red-faced police inspector left our house hurriedly ' my wife had a shower and I had a large whisky. I said nothing - she said nothing. After a few days things just seemed to drift back to normal somehow ' or as normal as they ever were.

Until one day ' that is ' everyone was going about their usual routines - kids off to school ' us off to work. I arrived home late in the afternoon and I got the feeling that something was wrong. Jo's car wasn't in the drive and the kids weren't messing around in the garden like they normally were. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to find out. Jo had left me - Gone off with her Sleuth and taken the kids with them. She did get in touch - just to let me know they were OK and I heard from her again, a couple of times, but I never really knew where they were or what she was doing. The last I heard ' they had married and were all living in New Zealand - and Jo had had another baby that they called Rhea, (Re for short). Life's full of surprises.

CARRY ON UP THE KHYBER

You know what it's like trying to get a doctor's appointment these days. Well there I was ' 'phone in hand.
"I'd like to book an appointment to see Dr. Clark please, I said.
Nice chap Dr Clark ' been my GP for going on 10 years.
"Sorry ' he's fully booked today, the receptionist replied, adding, "Is it urgent?
"I don't know ' that's why I want to see a doctor. I replied sarcastically. "Can you give me an appointment for tomorrow then ' please? I said.
"Sorry, but you must ring tomorrow for an appointment for tomorrow ' you can't make tomorrow's appointments today. However I do have a slot today with Dr. Singh ' our locum. She said.
"Fine ' I'll take it. What time?
"ll.30 she said and I said "fine - even though it was 11.10 as I spoke and the surgery was at least 20 minutes drive away. I arrive about five minutes late ' apologising profusely to the receptionist 'after tapping away at her keyboard for a while she told me to sit in the waiting-room. !0 dog-eared magazines and best part of an hour later, the Tannoy announced, "Mr. Gee ' to surgery 4 please!

Now ' I suppose it should ' but it hadn't occurred to me for one moment, that Dr. Singh might just have been a woman ' let alone a very attractive one in her mid to late 20's.
"What seems to be the trouble? she inquired.
"I seem to have to pee a lot, I replied in a high pitched tone.
"Do you have to get up a lot in the night? she asked.
"3 or 4 times ' I guess, I said. The truth was it was more like 7 or 8.
"That's not too out of the ordinary, she went on reassuringly, "but I see you are 52 and that you've also had a vasectomy.
"Is that relevant? I enquired, beginning to feel a little hot under the collar.
"Well ' it does make you statistically more prone to testicular and prostrate cancers.
Now they tell me ' Coombes never mentioned anything about that!
"To be on the safe side ' I think we had better check you for an enlarged prostrate, she announced ' to add insult to injury!
OK ' so where do I have to go for that? I asked.
"Oh ' don't worry, she said, "I'll do it here for you. No time like the present is there? Just go behind the screen, Mr. Gee and slip off your trousers and pants for me, then hop up onto the couch. That's it. Well done! Now ' just lie on your side so you're facing the wall. There you go! Now pull up your knees to your chest and JUST RELAX!
I may be anally retentive it's true ' but I've never been all that keen on having anything inserted in my bottom ' least of all a hand and what felt to me like most of the arm, of a young lady¦¦.!
Examination complete ' she announced, "That seems to be quite OK, at the moment Mr. Gee but I do think we should keep an eye on it ' just to be sure. We'll make a routine appointment for, 12 months time?
"Great! I lied.

© Charlie Cooper 2006.