Two

"2" - A play to be staged in the mind
By Suggs age 40

Night time, empty pub, two men. One standing at bar, the other slumped
at table.

Standing man, large drink in hand: That's what,&;#8230;that's what
you don't know&;#8230; see&;#8230; fuck all. Absolutely
nothing&;#8230; Do you see&;#8230; That's what you don't
know&;#8230; nothing&;#8230; And what's more&;#8230;you don't
even fuckin' know it&;#8230; And that's what makes it so
frustrating&;#8230; Do you see what I'm getting at&;#8230;
Basically, that's what it's all about isn't it. That's what you just
don't know&;#8230;nothing&;#8230;that's what you just don't
know&;#8230;see I've been thinking, recently&;#8230; yes that's
right&;#8230; thinking about our relationship. The harmonious
balance of our friendship&;#8230; but that's a bit above you isn't
it&;#8230; you know, thinking&;#8230; and expressing
yourself.

(Second man snores loudly.)

First man: Oh yeah&;#8230; It's all right for you, but I can't
afford to just sit there and let someone else do all my thinking for
me. You see, I just can't afford that luxury. I mean don't get me
wrong; I know what it feels like to be misunderstood. To be ridiculed,
but the point is, a time has to come when you just have to
say&;#8230; enough is enough. (I can stand on my own two feet.) Do
you see? Look I'm not having a go. I'm just trying to help. I'm just
trying to help, you.
Obviously, I understand&;#8230; you're feeling a bit
vulnerable.

(Phone starts ringing.)

First man: Oh for fucks sake, why I, every time I'm on a roll, getting
somewhere, that thing fuckin' starts up,

(Ignores phone and carries on talking, louder.)

First man: And, in the roll I've been given, I have to tread very
carefully and all that&;#8230; I know that this- is- the- roll- I've
been given&;#8230;

(Leans right up close to slumped mans ear.)

First man: And I'm- quite- happy to fulfil that roll,
if&;#8230;standing up again, if&;#8230;
Look it's become clear to me, as an objective observer&;#8230; from
the outside looking in&;#8230; as your friend. Do you see? I mean is
any of this making any sense&;#8230; ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME! ! ! Or
am I just just wasting my breath! Am I!! Eh!&;#8230;
Bollocks&;#8230; I've had enough of this.

(Turns and walks towards the door, grabbing coat as he goes.)

First man: Hold on&;#8230; hold on a minute&;#8230; oh no no, I
see&;#8230; I see

(Turns slowly back.)

First man: You don't get away that easy.

(Throws coat on the floor.)

First man: 0h no. I know what you're up to. Oh yes&;#8230; Oh
yes&;#8230; I've just got it&;#8230; you think you'll just bide
you're time&;#8230; let me do all the talking. Wait and wait and
wait for the chance, and bang! The trap snaps shut!

(Claps hands together sending glass flying.)

First man: Anything you say will be taken down and held against until
such time as you least expect it. Well no fuckin' way mate&;#8230;
not this time, I know what you're game is and I've had enough of
it.

(Bangs the table hard. Slumped figure slowly slides to the
floor.)

First man: The do nothing principle, eh, eh&;#8230;is that what you
say then.

(Turns and points to empty table.)

First man: Gotchya! Haven't I&;#8230; I've fuckin' gotchya there. Oh
yes, mate, oh yes. Bang to rights. I've touched a raw nerve&;#8230;
haven't I?

(2nd man groans from under table.)

First man: Let me do all the work, until I tie myself in knots. Well
now you've been sussed! And that's it&;#8230; You've done it for the
last time.

(Sits down at table firmly folding his arms and tightening his
lips&;#8230; long pause.)

First man: Do you hear me, I will not be you're stooge. Mr. Do nothing,
say nothing fuckin&;#8230; know nothing. I will not have it. I will
not stay here and be made a fool of any longer. Do you think I'm made
of fuckin' steel or something, that I have no feelings of my own. I-
understand&;#8230;I-understand-that-no-one-understands, do you
understand&;#8230;I have been misunderstood all my life&;#8230;
that's what. Oh, what would you know? I'll tell you what&;#8230; I
needn't be here now, trying to help you. There were all sorts of places
I could have gone tonight. I could be having fun all over the
place&;#8230;Look I'm just trying to make you understand that I just
can't go on and on like this&;#8230; It's doing my brain
in&;#8230; It really is.

(Stands up, walks slowly to bar and picks up letter.)

First man: Depressing and slightly mad&;#8230; depressing and
slightly fuckin' mad, what kind of a reply is that. Do you know how
that makes me feel, and you think you've got problems. Give me a
break&;#8230;your smug holier than thou routine.

2nd man, from under table: Bollocks!

First man: That's what they don't know see - that's what none of them
don't know, they see you there, innocent as a new born babe, and me as
the raving lunatic. You spend your whole miserable life trying to help
and thinking thinking thinking if you could only drag yourself out of
the mire, for one fleeting moment - for just long enough to stick your
head above the pink morass, before it gets kicked straight back down
again, that you might - somehow, you know&;#8230; whatever - your
piddling existence. Some purpose, some reason.

Second man, from under table: Fame fame riches and fame respect and
adulation of the workings in the first part of the second part act two
stage left a respectful distance reverence and appreciation of the
historical relevance pause applause plus respectability of the
spotlight admiration of the workings the ivory tower glory glory
forever toward silvery emancipation glitteryball in excelsis bathed in
golden light immortalised and held on high carried shoulder through the
never ending ticker tape of shredded evidence history rewritten in
thine own shape rows and rows and rows and rows of smiling pork pink
pound note faces prepared to except worthy worthy we're not Worthington
working men's club august '79 ladies and indeed gentlemen would you
please and wasn't that no really honestly sorry could you repeat the
question ha ha yes quite I see how terribly clap clap clap and from
such humbles staggered beyond belief importance ladies and indeed
gentlemen I give you I love you I am therefore I must be made it made
ya blink made made up megga unputdownable etc.
etc&;#8230;et&;#8230;cetera.

First man: walking in slow circle: Depressing and slightly fuckin
mad&;#8230;you haven't got a clue mate&;#8230; You just haven't
got it have you. Right&;#8230; now I am going to go through this one
more time and then that's it. O.K.

A strobe light comes on and the actors, (without the dialogue.)
re-enact the scene backwards, to the beginning.

As before one man standing at the bar the other slumped at a
table.

First man, standing: That's what.
Second man: That's what, what.
1st Man: That's what you don't know. Nothing.
2nd man: Bollocks!
1st man: Exactly, that's what you don't know, fuck all. You
philistine.
2nd man: Double bollocks!
1st:We&;#8230;ell, let's see now&;#8230;what was the last book
you read.
2nd: You bastard!
1st: Let me see now&;#8230;seems incapable of copying the simplest
of sentences off of the blackboard&;#8230;
2: No, I never.
1: Objection&;#8230; inadmissible evidence.
2: No, it weren't.
1: Yes, it were, objection sustained. It would appear the defendant has
lost his marbles.
2:&;#8230;