Lil

Torrential rain fell from the sky, it happened so fast, it took
everyone by surprise. One minute the sun had been shining and now the
rain bounced off the pavement in angry little splashes People smiled to
each other as they hurriedly saught shelter sharing a common interest
in keeping dry, it drew them together in a distilled but never the less
warm camaraderie. Though the downfall was a welcome break from the city
heat, noone wanted to be really drenched either.
Inside the mission hostel some of the residents lingered in their
rooms, just glad for a bed, and a window between them and the rain.
Lined worn faces remained impassive, rain, snow, sun, wind it was all
the same to them.
In the community room other residents of the shelter gathered. A youth
sat drumming his fingers in time to an unheard inner rhythm. Two old
men rested on battered easy chairs staring into a space beyond them
Whilst a huddle of girls and a few older women chatted, quietly.
As the rain fell in a slashing beat against the large ancient windows,
the panes began to steam up. One young girl who had been at the hostel
nearly a year, sighed, her finger tracing her name across the glass.
She sat hunched against the side of the wide open window seat.
"I 'ate today" she murmured,
She looked across to the small almost invisible woman behind the
teabar.
"You know what Lil it's me birthday soon, 16, officially grown up, you
wanna know
something else, I ain't never 'ad a birthday party, bloody mother
always too pissed for us. That's why we all got taken into care"
She snorted,
"Like that ever helped us!"
Lil listened silently her head to one side, she never said much, but
somehow that invited the youngsters to want to talk to her. She did try
to give quiet advice if she could, but well what could she offer
really, her being in the hostel anyway, not much of a role model. All
the same she felt for Ginny, she really did.
"Life ain't always fair is it Ginny"
She searched her mind for more comforting to offer,
"Just think though one day if you have children you'll be the best
mother ever, and those kids will have the best parties in the
street!"
"Yeah Lil, if I ever 'ad kids I'd make sure they were all right, but I
ain't gonna 'ave any"
Lil just carried on looking sympathetic she didn't have to ask Ginny
why.
"You ever had any, kids Lil?"
The young girl stared at Lil, waiting for her to answer her, losing
interest in the conversation as one of the hostel staff came into the
room and beckoned her over.
Strange how things turn out, Lil thought to herself, Ginny being 16
soon. And there was her one child, born nearly sixteen years ago too.
She'd been thinking about her a lot, more than usual actually. Never a
day did pass without something reminding Lil of her. She'd called her
Louise, after her own mother, she knew it would be changed by adoptive
parents but it felt right to just give her a piece of her own identity,
just for a little while.
She allowed herself the luxury of self indulgence now to think things
over quietly. It was probably being here at the hostel talking to some
of the youngsters like ginny that had made her feel more sensitive than
ever to the whole situation.
It wasn't the usual old thing of innocent young girl seduced and
abandoned. Good Grief No! At her age she should have had more sense.
She'd seen it happen to so many of the girls around her. She tutted to
herself. Would she have made a halfway decent mother anyway, she
wondered? Difficult to say now.
Well, the child had been conceived in love, that was something.
All of a sudden as the rain had started it stopped. The sun shone down
once more through the steamed up windows. Everything seemed to stop,
just for a second.
It was like everyone had been frozen into a giant Tableaux, with the
unexpectedness of the weather. There was a slight pause, then the heavy
doors of the community room fell back and regulars came pouring through
eager for a chat, or advice, or somewhere to just sit.
"Cup o tea, Lil, please"
A grimy hand pushed ten pence over the counter. Before long there was a
homely warm atmosphere about the place, and Lil was kept too busy to
think for a while.
That night in the contrasting still of her small hostel room Lil stared
out of her window. Usually the twinkling London panorama felt like an
old friend, comforting and familiar. Now Lil felt unsettled. She'd been
content enough biding in the Centre. It was one of the best in the
City, with a long waiting list, and caring staff. She had felt so weary
of her itinerant travelling, she couldn't even say how it all began.
Humble as her place was in the scheme of things she'd found a little
niche that offered small compensations, like companionship, and
stability of sorts anyway.
But not tonight.
Ginny inadvertently had stirred her already busy feelings up into
something quite unbearable. Somehow or other she'd known her daughter
would try to make contact. Deep down she knew it would happen.She would
love to see her, touch her face, hold her, explain things, she really
wanted to, but...... and there was always that 'but'. She'd made a vow
to herself, a vow she intended to keep.
"The best you can do for that kid is to give it up, and that's
it"
"Big Ivy", exotic dancer and friend to all of the younger ones had sat
in her room with her as she tried to work things out, plain speaking
and honest as always.
Lil had made that decision herself, anyway, she knew Richard loved her
but was far more a realist than he was. It wouldn't have worked. Lil
had often felt regret over that decision maybe she should have let him
try.
No,..... His strict orthodox Faith, his very established family in the
community, and her career as a dancer, the bridge was too wide, that
was made perfectly clear. Left alone they would have been fine, but
that was the problem, they would never have been left alone She
recalled quite clearly his father sitting opposite her, that day in the
cafe. If she'd told Richard he would have rebelled and she could have
made him come to her just like that, he would have cut himself off from
them all there and then.
With some instinctive feeling though, that Lil couldn't ever explain,
she really didn't want to take him from his family. So she moved in
with Big Ivy and after a while Richard stopped trying to find her.
She'd seen his picture in the paper a couple of years after that,
married and looking very happy, it had been hard not to feel sorry for
herself at that point, somehow life had all seemed to have slipped away
from her then.
Now she just hoped, that what she did. She just hoped. Hoped that
Louise as was, had better parents than her own, hoped they were doing a
better job than she and Richard had done by bringing her into this
world.
Lil turned from the window, turning on the little bedside light she
took out the letter and picture and lovingly caressed that little dark
face again. How could she say no to her but how could she say yes? What
could she offer her now, herself a tea lady in a hostel.
This young woman was smiling out at the camera confidently, a snapshot
taken on holiday at her adoptive parents villa in Tuscany she said. Lil
was glad. Her daughter looked happy.
Funny though, she'd never kept her because of her and Richards
different backgrounds and opposing worlds kept them apart again. Lils'
expression set firm. It was the right thing to do.
She carefully folded the letter smoothing it carefully, as if she were
mentally erasing all her feelings, and leaned it against the bedside
lamp where she would see it as soon as she awoke. The photograph, she
held in her hands, falling eventually into a troubled sleep, with it
tight next to her chest.
The next morning bright and early she was sitting down in Sally's
office,
"Lil are you sure about this? I mean you've only had a week or two to
think things over. You know you can talk to trained people. Counsellors
who could discuss this with you, it's a very gradual delicate process,
give it more time."
The duty Social Worker was genuinely concerned for Lil she honestly
wanted the best for her, and Lil blessed her for that.
She considered long and hard her next words,
"Sally I know you mean well, and believe me I've thought about nothing
else, but me minds made up. I gave her away nearly 16 years since, I
vowed I'd never interfere in her life and I won't. It's enough she
sounds happy in her letter, and I know she's allright. What good would
it be for her to know where I am? In a hostel, not much too offer your
only daughter now is it?"
Lil sat for a few seconds resolute, then she turned to the young
social worker again her expression intense,
"Me decision is final I ain't going to agree to it, she's better not
knowing."
"Well, I don't know Lil, I think you're making a mistake, I am going to
hold onto this for a little longer anyway."
Lil shook her head, and Sally sighed with resignation before speaking
again,
"It must have been a tough few weeks for you all the same. Lil you
never ask us for anything, isn't there anything we can do for you
now?"
Lil sat thinking for a few moments before replying,
"As it happens you know there is one thing,"
"Yes"
" I would like to have a birthday party for someone here, a 16th
birthday party, one they'll never forget."