Cheap Beer and No Sex

‘Darling can you come,
I’m really wet’, she cried
‘I’m absolutely dripping!’-
my mouth dropped open wide

I breathed hard into my hand,
I smelt like an ashtray;
I’d have to brush my teeth
before I’d get my end away.

I ran down to the bathroom,
shouting, ‘Be there in a sec!’
I slipped on surface water;
Nearly broke my fucking neck

Struggling to my feet in pain
I scrambled for the brush
But sprayed the toothpaste up the wall
In all the bloody rush

I scraped it off the mirror
And stuck it in my gob
And as I stood there scrubbing thought;
I better wash me knob

With one hand on the toothbrush
The other on me zip
I heard the missus shout again
‘I need a hand to strip!’

Well that was that and fuck the wash
Though he was nearly out
I tucked him back in, best I could
But he’d started to sprout

I spat the toothpaste, turned and
Pulled the zip up on the spin
Then screamed just like a banshee
As I mangled my foreskin

‘What’s wrong with you?’ I heard her call
As I dropped to my knees
‘Arghhhh, shit, fuck, bollocks!’
I roared out, in a wheeze.

‘Forget it, if you can’t oblige
I’ll work it out myself!’
Are there towels down in the bathroom?
I left some on the shelf

I heard her footstep coming close;
And turned away before…
’You picked a bloody funny time
to wash the bathroom floor!

If I’d been calling you for sex
I bet you would have come
But whenever I just want some help
You choose to play it dumb!’

With my head close to the floor
I froze in utter shock
I could gauge my pressure rising
by the throbbing of my cock.

I asked as sweetly as I could
‘Why did you want me dear?’
Oh, those tins you bought at Christmas
Blew, and drowned me in cheap beer!

Just look at the state of me
My best pink blouses’ destroyed
The bloody stain just better shift
Or I’ll be well annoyed

I blubbered on the bathroom floor
Then turned and stood upright;
I suppose you want some sex now,
Mmm, your teeth are nice and white!’

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!