Little Jackie

Little Jackie, the Jack Russell,
Joined our family from the local dogs’ home.
He had been found
Tied to a lamppost,
Shivering and shaking on a winter’s morning;
Left by some heartless - but wise - owner.

We brought him home and petted him
And it hurt us!
It hurt us because Jackie tried to fucking eat us
He showed no bias though
Because he also ate
The chairs, table, doors and fire brush

Jackie wasn’t all daft though
He drew the line at poisons or even broken glass
Regardless how cunningly
Disguised in a sausage
Or piece of bread. His lightning reactions
Saved him, many the kiss of leather.

The little darling also attacked the mother-in-law
One of the few – if not only – positives
That I can remember as
Owner and ‘protector’.
The mother-in-law asked my son to throw stones at him
I am still awaiting the bill from the glaziers.

I would let Jackie out every morning for his run
Unfortunately, he invariably came back.
He did look cute though
As he ran in to the living room
And without so much as a perfunctory sniff
Shit copiously on the Persian rug.

The rug – a generous wedding gift – now
Resides in the shed.
Thankfully the flies, having grown
Attached to it, voted to follow.
Jackie recovered from the loss quickly enough
And found the mother-in-laws’ chair a satisfying substitute.

Jackie met his Waterloo one summer’s morn
When he leaped a wall while
Pursuing the last remaining cat
In the village – a wily old tabby named Claude.
He flew through the air like ‘Superdog’
And hit the front of the bus like bird-shit.

The bus stopped and disgorged its passengers;
A bunch of Texans on tour
Some howled in sorrow, while some retired marines
Snapped with the latest Japanese technology
Jackie’s angelic – albeit slightly crushed – face.
My children cried and I shed a tear of joy.

The Americans were almost as crushed as Jackie.
“That was a pedigree dog, right?” one asked
“Yes!” I chokingly lied
They had a whip-round and came up with $500
I got the Rug cleaned, gave a tip to Claude’s’ owner
And had enough left for a new T.V.

I considered giving some money to the dogs’ home
(For about a half a second)
I deferred for fear of becoming
The owner of another dog that looked like a rat,
Bit like a tiger and shit like an elephant
So a word to all good hearted people out there;

If you see a little dog tied to a lamp post, in Freezing weather,
Looking hungry, forlorn and sad;
LEAVE THE FUCKER THERE!