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Perversely Grammatical

Posted by threeleafshamrock on February 2, 2009 - 00:27
from the ABC set Humorous Ramblings

“That’ll be twenty pounds and one pence!”
“Pardon?”
“Gawd! I said, that’ll be twenty…”
“No! I heard what you said; it’s what you didn’t say that bothers me.”
“Do What?”
“Well you see, for a start it should be …and one penny!”
“Hey?”
“You should have requested, twenty Pounds and one PENNY.”
“I did!”
“No! You distinctly said; …and one PENCE.”
“Whassa difference?”
“Well, in monetary terms; nothing! However in grammatical
Terms; rather a lot actually”
“You takin’ the piss?”
“Let me explain; you were – while making your request – looking
Out through the front window, while scratching your left breast.”
“’Ere, you leave my tits outa this sunshine!”
“The name is Chris!”
“I don’t care if it’s fuckin’ Prince Charles; I ain’t looking for a date.
You some kinda Perv or somefing?”
“Not at all but if I had said; …while scratching your left BREASTS,
It would suggest that you had more than one and of course, you do not!”
“Are you saying I only got one tit, ya fuckin’ weirdo?”
“No! It’s blatantly obvious that you have two, however they
Are on different sides….”
“Well ‘course they’re on different sides; you fink they should
Be, one under the uvver? Where’d you come from; fuckin’ Mars?”
“No! No, goodness, I was just using the left one……”
“You ain’t using eever of ‘em! Go an’ buy a ‘Playboy’ an’ use ‘at!”
“You could also, say PLEASE!”
“Aright! PLEASE, go an’ buy a ‘Playboy’ an’ use ‘at!”
“I meant, when you were charging for the meat and veg!”
“My boyfriend will be ‘ere in a cupla minits an’ he’ll rip orf
Your meat and two veg and ram ‘em up your arsehole!
Now that’ll be twenty pounds and one PENCE; pay up!”
“Well, I shan’t be shopping here again!”
“Oh! There’s a fuckin’ heartbreak! Me an’ my left tit will
Never get over it!”
“Goodbye!”

Discuss this piece in the abctales forum


Comments

jennifer | February 2, 2009 - 13:19

Absolutely hilarious! I am laughing out loud! Is this fictional or did this actually happen to you?!

J x

threeleafshamrock | February 2, 2009 - 13:54

Lol, no Jen but I do get browned off sometimes in supermarkets; some staff are so impersonal. I did, one day - out of vengeance - ask a particularly moody young woman if she 'would mind checking with the manager, as to whether he had ordered any of the SYPHILIS CREAM that I had asked him for earlier that month, as it was urgent.' She trotted off to inquire and I slipped out, unable unfortunately to see the result. LOL Thanks Jen.

Chris X

jennifer | February 2, 2009 - 17:47

Well I was a 'till tart' while I was at Uni for a bit, have also worked in a bookshop and a couple of pubs, and it really p's me off when people are rude in shops because I managed to smile at every single customer and manage polite conversation!

Well observed piece, I often start such grammatical arguments with my students but tend to smile wryly in shops....

J x

Jasper_Milvain | February 2, 2009 - 18:11

Oh the old 'scratching your left breast' routine - brings back such fond memories of my own time as a sprightly young buck on the singles circuit - sure, it's a risky ruse, but the gals they love a grammatical obsessive, and when they're working the till they're a captive audience - oh yeah - quite handy with the ladies.

Erm... I feel I might be back to edit this comment later.
JM

threeleafshamrock | February 2, 2009 - 18:37

LMAO. Can't picture you as a 'Till Tart' Jen (although it holds a certain perverted appeal) I'm sure YOU would be correcting the customers lol.
As for you JM; Shocked and Stunned, is all I can say HAHA! Thanks Folks!

jennifer | February 2, 2009 - 18:46

I might admit to adopting a 'local' accent, so as not to terrify the trolley-full-of-ready-meals shoppers. And don't believe for a second that I was ever susceptible to customer flirting. One of my colleagues, on the other hand, was quite cute...

I did once get into trouble with my boss for selling alcohol to her without asking for her permission. (If you are 16-18 you can sell alcohol but you need to ask an older colleague or supervisor to agree to the customer looking over 18, once you are 18, it's your lookout...) I pointed out that since I was 23, it was my call. She had assumed that I was 17.

Whoops!

Interestingly, it is the boys who have just turned 18 that get offended most when asked for ID...

J x

threeleafshamrock | February 2, 2009 - 18:59

I never do :|

MistakenMagic | February 3, 2009 - 18:13

This is hilarious Chris! A superb little role-play piece ;)

Magic xxx

threeleafshamrock | February 3, 2009 - 20:07

Thanks Magic ;) X

Nathan Bednarek | February 5, 2009 - 23:12

Beautifully hilarious and the last few lines almost choked me. Brilliant work, you have a wonderful sense of humour. Well done.

Nathan.

threeleafshamrock | February 6, 2009 - 12:53

Thanks Nathan

shoebox | February 22, 2009 - 02:37

Some of it's new for me as I don't ever hear that kind of speech. Funny, so, many thanks for making me smile more than once. I think you have such a good attitude about things. Cheers

threeleafshamrock | February 22, 2009 - 13:16

Thanks Shoebox ;)