the dude

Psychologist: “What is the trouble?”

Patient: “It’s my memory.”

Psychologist: “And when did this trouble start?”

Patient: “What trouble?”

>

This dude came walking into the pub his head shrunk the size of a tennis ball no neck just shoulders flat and the little ball. Bit of fuzz…

His buddies shocked “Hey what happened Willy!!?”

“No man I was walking on the beach I checked this buggered up oil lamp thing. Picked it up shined up a bit check out my looks. A genie pops out! What a beauty!!”

She said:

“Three wishes Sir!!”

“I want a banquet, I want a feast for a king!”
Tables laid out with tropical fruits, punch, ice oysters crab and lobster.

“Sports cars, a Lamborghini Countach and a Ferrari!”
Out of the box! Shining! Yellow and Red!!

“A fuck!!?”
“Forget it”

“Pleeeeaase!!”
“Get lost”

“Aaaaaww!! Can’t I have just a little head?!”

> >

A man jumped from the roof of the Empire State building, passing forty stories he said:

“So far so good!!”

>

“We buried the bastard six months ago.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear, what was wrong with him?”

“He was dead.”

> >

Two tramps on a park bench, the one:

“If yon tree doesn’t fall on my head I’ll live ‘till I die.”

>

On the park bench,

“There’s a nip in the air!”

“Where where??”

>

Two drunks, the one:

“If a man cannot drink when he is alive, then how the hell can he drink when he’s dead?”

> >

A yuppie stopped at the garage in his sparkling new luxury sedan to fill up with petrol. Two golf tees fell from his pocket.

The attendant: “What are those for?”

“To rest my balls on, when I drive.”

“Unreal! These new BM’s have everything!!”

>

What is a “specimen”?

It’s an astronaut from Soweto.

> >

A rich old man was to marry a twenty year old girl. She insisted he go for a thorough check-up.

Doctor: “You’re in good health, but you know that sex can kill you?”

Old guy: “If she dies she dies.”

>

“What do you wear in bed?” Marilyn Monroe, “Chanel No. 5”

>

“Tell me, my son, what must one do in order to be absolved from sin?”

“Please Father, one has to sin.”

> >

Oom Paul was asked to what he attributed his advanced age:

“I suppose I must attribute it to the fact that I haven’t died.”

> >

What is “a university”?

It is a fountain of wisdom where students go to drink,

Where false pearls are thrown at real swine!

>

“Why are we not all there? Because we’re all here!”

>

And, after sitting through a particularly boring lecture,

Prof Einstein:

“I’ve just developed a new theory of eternity.”

> >

So it’s the final exams!
If all else fails chew your pencil!!

There was a young man from Tuckit
Who’s cock was so long he could suck it
Rubbing his chin he said with a grin
If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it!

> >

( Every one each is queer, save me and thee. And even thee…