The wet work of Darwin hides the network of all things;
the dead drops of autumn and the sleeper-cell of spring,
splitting its green atom and spreading its green code;
the safehouse of your heart where the future will be stored.
You will meet her in the woodlands;
cryptic blackbird in her hair.
Give her love and light and water;
the true altar will appear.
You will meet her by the station,
disguised as a homeless man.
Give him kindness, smiles and silver;
an oak will grow from his hand.
Then the green ops of Opis* will open themselves to you;
“oneness” is their watchword, every kindness is a coup.
Dark disinformation shed; winters cover blown;
Proserpine, underground queen, will return to her throne.
*Opis= ancient goddess of fertility
Comments
jennifer | November 10, 2010 - 07:00
Some great word-patterning in the first verse especially, really flows. And the imagery is also fab.
However, the 'scanning' goes a little awry in verse three - this is my own biggest problem with writing poetry, it's getting what you want to say into the right rhythm. You make great word choices, but sometimes the rhythm becomes more important.
How about:
'You will meet her by the station,
A disguised homeless man;
Give him kindness, smiles and silver;
watch an oak grow from his hand.'
?
J x
well-wisher | November 10, 2010 - 10:04
Thanks for your comments, Jennifer. I'm glad that you liked it.
With regards to the meter within verse 3, if you count the syllables you'll see that Verse 3 does scan:
You will meet her by the station, (8 syllables)
disguised as a homeless man. (7 syllables)
Give him kindness, smiles and silver; (8 syllables)
an oak will grow from his hand. (7 syllables)
I often find that singing the words allows you to hear the rhythm.
jennifer | November 10, 2010 - 11:32
Syllables and metre are not the same thing, however, which is something I have recently learnt myself. Was just trying to pass this on - think stressed and unstressed syllables and you will see what I mean, and I'm not the best at it myself, but it's easier to see in other people's work.
J x
well-wisher | November 10, 2010 - 16:05
Thank you for your advice, Jennifer but I think we'll have to agree to disagree about verse 3 of my poem.
jennifer | November 10, 2010 - 21:00
Of course, no worries!
J x