To be completely honest
I dont know what to say
Shall I talk about Miss Double
Or what the teachers REALLY say.
C'mon lets be honest
You've thought about it before
I think everybody wonders
What they say behind that door.
Or shall I talk about gabby?
And who shes liking now,
I promised not to tell but
She wont anyhow so...
And should I mention Jodie
And what she said about sir?
Id have to watch my language though
I see year sevens out there!
So as ive demonstrated
My rhyming has no cause
Although im pretty shocked now
I just got loud applause!
Comments
FTSE100 | February 18, 2009 - 14:08
This really is quite good in parts. I'd get rid of 'in... the staff room' from the first stanza, find something else to say at the end of the fourth stanza - the 'Cuz most of it is censored' doesn't work at all, and just say 'I just got loud applause' (no 'a') in the last line. Then enter it!
chuck | February 18, 2009 - 14:21
I agree with FTSE. A few things need tweaking. Of course a lot will depend on who the judges are but I say enter it anyway. What the heck.
Nathan Bednarek | February 18, 2009 - 14:21
I agree. This poem is good with lots of potential. It just needs a bit of tweaking. I love how the poem creates an illusion of a rather light-headed character and yet the lines are packed with very deep thoughts ;-)
Nathan.
chuck | February 18, 2009 - 14:31
Actually Yazmin you show a level of introspection and self-knowledge unusual in one of your years. And no Angst either which is refreshing. I may reconsider these comments if you post more than 3 pieces in one day.
Yazmin | February 23, 2009 - 17:19
Thanks for telling me, I appreciate your help and comments, ive listened to your advice :)
Thanks again
Yaz