In the sultry shade of this apartment I was born; disappearing into cream walls. Trying to ignore the amassing shadows; trying not to fear speech itself – as if language deserved a lashing for existing. My first word; what was it? I don’t know. Do either of my parents? No. My sister –Namir?
My mother left when I was young; too young to have absorbed childhood memories of that silken face. An angel, forced to wear the mask of the damned; a blanket veil which I stroked when she visited. Trying to peel away the layers of mistaken trust; trying to locate her heart which she, too freely, had given my father. Her eyes...Alice-blue, like a fantasy world’s skyline, buried deep inside the shadows of womanhood.
Never did I yearn for that paternal comfort some children crawl towards in the early hours of their lives. Never was my young heart fooled into free-falling towards him in false hope of change. So, each morning, as an auburn sunset blazed and reached towards me...like his fists, slowly unclenching, I welcomed it. It burned...lifting his finger prints from my skin – erasing his caustic touch. His fiery ‘you must obey me’ tone; insult after insult. Degrading my honour, until I long to burn up– vaporise into the air and float, as ashes, toward freedom.
Comments
MistakenMagic | February 23, 2011 - 16:36
'Her eyes, Alice blue like a fantasy's world skyline, buried deep inside the shadows of womanhood.' - really, really love the images in these lines, Beeme. But I think it would work even better as 'fantsy world's skyline' as the other phrasing jarred with me a bit! There are so many wonderful and beautiful images in this I can't pick my favourite. I love this style of 'prosetry' anyway - well done!
Magic xxx
Beeme | February 23, 2011 - 17:06
Thank you so much Magic! I'm glad you enjoyed, I'm finding these hard but I really like this longer poetic style, so I'm going to keep at it. Thank you for the support and advise, I'm very happy you liked this.
Beeme xx
Silver Spun Sand | February 23, 2011 - 18:23
Hi Beeme, I really liked this and you have some fantastic imagery.
I do however have some ideas for your punctuation, etc., so see my PM.
I too find prose a challenge, so maybe we can end up 'teaching' one another.
Well done on a really good prosetry;-)
Tina xx
Beeme | February 23, 2011 - 18:33
Hello Tina, thank you I'm glad you liked this and thank you very much for the ideas on punctuation and word order, I'm very happy with this piece now. I think you'll be a much better teacher than me but I think that a very lovely idea :-)
Beeme xx
Silver Spun Sand | February 23, 2011 - 18:46
Yes, it works well now Beeme;-) You just need to take a look at the spacing between your words in quite a few places. The first one is 'cream walls', and the line beneath it's 'speech itself', and there are quite a few more. Posting stuff on here sometimes the spacing goes a bit awry, which is obviously what has happened. So go through it carefully;-)
Tina xx
shoe | February 23, 2011 - 18:57
A captivating piece of writing with some really beautiful passages, much enjoyed.
Beeme | February 23, 2011 - 19:04
Thanks Tina, yeah the spacing went all over the place :) I think I've corrected them all now (fingers crossed);-)
Beeme xx
Silver Spun Sand | February 23, 2011 - 19:05
Hi again, Beeme;-)
Yep, that's good. Just one tiny typo left, in the second line. Should read, 'trying not to fear'.
I shall now leave you in peace;-)
Tina xx
Beeme | February 23, 2011 - 19:06
Thank you so very much Shoe :)
Beeme xx
Beeme | February 23, 2011 - 19:10
Thank you Tina, got it :) Should all be corrected now. Thanks again, have a pleasant evening.
Beeme xx
fatboy74 | February 23, 2011 - 23:35
Very much enjoyed this Beeme, a lot of images already picked out by others for very good reason. Well done. :-)
Beeme | February 24, 2011 - 00:19
Thanks Fatboy, really glad you enjoyed this. Thank you for the cherry eds :)
Beeme xx
Dynamaso | February 24, 2011 - 01:08
Really enojoyed this but particularly the last sentence. What a beauty!
Beeme | February 24, 2011 - 09:44
Thank you very much Dynamaso! Glad you liked this :)
Beeme xx
littleditty | March 2, 2011 - 17:22
This is super! i like proseypoems -only work when they capture the story scene and emotion as tightly as this - well done :)
Beeme | March 4, 2011 - 16:42
Thanks so much Littleditty! :) xx