Colonel Keelan

If I knew what not to do I wouldn’t do it and if I knew what to do, I may do it.
You see my problem is that I put things off. I don’t think I’m lazy. I can have a lot of things to do and I end up sitting in my chair or going to bed. The next day I usually get the things done but the day when I put it all off just drags along. I get up early and I have everything planned but I back down. I just can’t cope. Sometimes I have to take a bus ride down town and that spells anxiety. Walking down main street spells anxiety. I don’t think I’m so special that everyone notices me. It’s not as though I am an Arabian princess who stands out like a sore thumb. On the contrary, I dress very discretely, with flat shoes and a jacket of subdued colour. I look just like any other woman in mid fifties. So why the anxiety? I don’t want to cause attention. Most of my life I have caused a bit of attention. My younger sister used to complain about me getting more attention at home than she did. And I did. But the anxiety comes from not wanting to feel responsible. I shirk responsibility. It is a psychological malfunction. If I can walk as anonymously as possible down the street and not talk to a soul I don’t have to take any responsibility ,only for not tripping over my own feet in shyness. My mother was a single parent in the early sixties. I also have 2 older sisters who took a lot of responsibilities. I felt kind of responsible for my younger sister. At least I used to punch anybody who threatened her. But my sense of responsibility lacked generally. I suppose that is what happens when you are the third of 4 sisters? That is what a lot of people have told me since. Trying to make excuses for me because I often asked why. My mother used to try to find people who would be responsible for me while she had other things to do and that is what went wrong. My mother would ask this stupid old man if he could look after me. He was my playmates grandfather- silly old pervert. His teeth were all yellow and crooked. He had a sticky moustache and he used to be a colonel in the queen’s army. He would tell horrible tales and he baked apple pies with too many cloves. He fed me with Kit Kats and put me on his knee and just fiddled about. It was terrible. I was just an innocent little girl. I live for the day and with the day. I love sunshine and warm days. Autumn is already here and the days are growing shorter and the sun has lost its power. I know what to do and what not to do and usually I do things right.