The Universe

I’m not sure where to start. I suppose the universe is as good a place as any. I’ll start with the universe. Because that’s what did it – you mentioning it twice in one letter to Marnie. She called me when it first arrived because she was so worried, and I tried to reassure her. I said perhaps it had rubbed off on you, living next door to California – they’re always talking about the universe there – it’s normal for them. She seemed okay after that…

But then she called me again, a few days later, just before I left for London, and I thought she was going to offer me some more advice about reading aloud – she’d already half rewritten my story, had a short list of actors ready to read it instead of me – male or female, my choice – and I’d thanked her and explained about wanting to do it myself. I’d managed not to laugh until after she’d put the phone down.

It wasn’t about that though – it was about you.

She took a deep breath – you could hear it down the phone, then she said, “I’ve decided to go over there. See what I can do to help him.”

I didn’t know what to say at first. In my mind’s eye I could see your face – the horror in your eyes, the panic. Can you imagine it? – because I can – I can see her - sailing elegantly through immigration at Tucson, in something long and flowing – probably a panama hat too. Smiling graciously but vaguely, because she can hardly see anymore, scanning the arrivals lounge for you. Coming to sort you out. Fuck knows where she would’ve got the money from. Did you know she loved you that much?

I couldn’t let her do that. I couldn’t let you... I couldn’t let any of that happen. You have enough to worry about, what with the mafia and the execution squads – all that stuff you told me about. You don’t need Marnie as well.

I said “How about if I go instead? I was thinking of doing it anyway – how about if I just say I’m coming – how would that be?” After that we had a conversation about drugs. She’d already guessed, and I tried to put it into context for her – said we’d always done drugs – all of us – it was what our generation did. Not a big deal. She was more understanding than you’d thought she’d be. Then she told me her other idea

“You must get him away from there. Bring him here first - then I thought you could both go to the villa for the summer – do you think he would? You could spend six months there while he got better – it’s where I sent Joel to get better…” she tailed off. We all know Joe didn’t get better. He went an unlikely shade of brown, and his hair was bleached almost white, but he didn’t get better.

I said I’d try – see what you thought. I promised her I’d go very very soon. I told her about Zachy too – how he knew, and how much he cared for you. I said I was sure you would make it

Anyway, she calmed down a bit, once I’d promised to go, whatever you said. We settled that she’d email you, and not let on that she knew. I don’t think you need to worry about that knock on the door.

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Zachy’s looking slightly rough around the edges – his face is definitely a bit green. “Lost a day,” he says, “death in the family,” and he orders a hamburger. Kill or cure. I stare out of the big plate glass window at all the office workers scurrying past, and I wonder if it’s ever going to stop raining.

The food arrives, and he starts to put chips into his mouth, one after another; a minute or two later it seems to be working – he’s looking a little brighter. I push things around my plate – I can’t eat when I’m sad.

Zach’s being kind today. Doesn’t shout once. When I tell him about the villa idea and Marnie, he says how about if he comes too – he loves that island. We could stay there, the three of us, all summer. I tell him about the argument you and I had there, long ago and he starts laughing and says I should write a book about it. I tell him I’m going to, and perhaps the villa would be a good place to do it. Full circle. What do you think? You need to be busy too – that’s the main thing. He wants you to join him in his plans – making things for the exhibition he’s curating – you always did work well together. There'll be an album too. There’s so much to do.

I look outside again and it’s still very grey, but it’s stopped raining, and people have put their umbrellas away. Things are looking up.

He tells me about the funeral - how it was for a Chihuahua who died suddenly in the night – an ex-girlfriend’s and how they all got very drunk afterwards and then he hit someone who was being a dick - saying it was only a dog – except Zach isn’t very good at fighting any more – not like he used to be. He makes a face, shows me the bruise and I start laughing – he’s very funny nowadays. I think a summer with the two of you at the villa would be a very good idea. Can’t think of a better one.

We pay the bill, go back to the hotel and I read him my story – the one I’m going to read that night, and he likes it – says I’m getting there. He’s my sternest critic so I feel quite a lot happier after that. As he leaves, we kiss. He says he’ll go home and email you – tell you how you’re worth so much more than you think you are.

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I got your message just before I had to read my story – the one where you said to wait – to read your email before I bought my ticket – to give you 24 hours. I did – wait. I am waiting. But in the meantime I thought you should know all this stuff – everything that’s been happening here. I think it’s important that you know how much we all love you.