High on Snow (IP) (13th March, 2009, 20.49pm)
Edgeless precipice;
you look down, precarious,
high on snow. I watch you.
Naïve, I stumble in the light,
troughed in some unbefitting,
angelic glow. Fractured.
Throw me a rope! I shout,
but you turn, profile to the sky,
oblivious. Can you have heard?
My voice echoes, abounds,
resounds in the valley of regret.
Is choice controllable?
My broken bones grate upon
my wounded, scarlet pride.
Balance is everything. My epithet.
Is this the high life? A divide.
Where did the rent go? You
rolled it up in notes, I’ll bet.
Treacherous, these slippery
slopes, and I’m not steady yet.
Snakes and ladders. I’ll be Adam,
but I’ll say no, like all the good
kids do. High on snow, you watch
me now, as I mend and rise.
Comments
Silver Spun Sand | March 13, 2009 - 23:41
Captivated ... 'high on snow' is how I feel after reading this. Love the imagery throughout.
"Is this the high life? A divide.
Where did the rent go? You
rolled it up in notes, I’ll bet."
... has to be my very favourite stanza;-)
T x
littleditty | March 15, 2009 - 18:33
High on Snow, great title and refrain, wondered if you feel 'controllable' is the exact right word there? like the echo of sounds, a song- story develops through the show of feelings, liked this read :)
Curse of 222 | March 15, 2009 - 20:15
very nice flow and imagery. i could probably read it 100 times and still find something else to like about it.
222?
jennifer | March 16, 2009 - 08:35
Thank you folks -
Tina - 'Captivated' is quite a compliment, thank you!
littleditty - thank you for the comment - can you suggest another word you think might be better?
Cof22 - again, huge compliment, thank you!
J x
Ewan | March 16, 2009 - 09:01
Without knowing what you had in mind, it's hard to suggest an alternative, Jen. I quite like the question 'is choice conceivable?' but, like I say, it depends what you had in mind.
Dynamaso | March 16, 2009 - 09:33
Can't add much more except to say I like 'controllable'. Excellent rise to the IP.
jennifer | March 16, 2009 - 12:21
I had control in mind, hence 'controllable' - the idea that you cannot control others' actions so that you feel out of control of them and also the way their choices affect your lives, and also the way that heart trumps head and there isn't a choice about who we love, even if such love is unhealthy. Plus, the lack of control that comes with addiction...and watching an addict...addiction to both to snow and to love, I suppose!
It's an extremely personal poem, thankfully, I am back in control of my heart these days!
J x
Ewan | March 16, 2009 - 15:27
Well, there aren´t a great many alternatives, then, are there? ;-)
I liked it as it was anyway... not sure why there was a problem with ´controllable´, it´s not the most beautiful word, but clearly it was the right one.
Ewan
x
jennifer | March 16, 2009 - 18:57
I think the word 'circumlocution' could be applied to my argument!
Haha!
J x
Ewan | March 17, 2009 - 08:21
Dickens' greatest invention; the Office of Circumlocution. Madoff = Merdles: Gosh, we are in 'The New Curiosity Shop'!
Ewan
x
littleditty | March 19, 2009 - 00:56
ditto Ewan, i wondered what you meant and if you felt it was the right word there, but understand better now- I had thought, Is choice free? as alternative way of asking some questions there- as you say, a personal poem :)
jennifer | March 19, 2009 - 12:25
The trouble with 'free' is that it implies monetary value as well as freedom, whereas 'control' is much less ambiguous. But thanks for the suggestion, ld, and for checking back!
J x