The Space Between

The Space Between (20th December, 2010)

Here I am, caught in the space between
Sleep and awake, reality and dream,
I drift, lonely snowflake, from room to room
Of the empty house, hear the silence boom
Louder than thought, quieter than breath…
Can you reach me, God? I’m not ready yet.

Doctor, Doctor, with your vast education,
Can you offer me a proper explanation?
Can you do more than push pills and diaries,
Praise my diet when I answer your enquiries?
We sit here, month after month just the same,
My Mother bearing the weight of my pain.

Can you fix me? You tell me there’s no cure,
You imagine that’s what I’ve come looking for,
You’ve studied my body and know it’s flawed,
We circle back round to where we were before.
The laws of Physics render grief uncontainable:
The label of ‘Healthy’ remains unobtainable.

Where is the flood? I’ve shed oceans of tears
In this pale green room, in this prison of fears;
Three steps forward lead to two steps back;
You’re weighing me up; I’m about to crack.
You said sixth months, which turned into twelve,
But the years tick by, and the lies are shelved.

Here I am, caught in the space between
Youth and decay, in a long, silent scream;
The phone rings, with sympathy loaded,
The conversations become corroded.
I watch them, distanced, green with envy,
As they experience all things without me.

Can you hear me, God? I’m ready right now,
I’m itching and burning to leave the house,
I’ll take three steps forward, two steps back,
I’m pushing and building, I will not slack.
‘You can’t do this’ and ‘You can’t do that’
But look at me, Doctor: proof and fact.

Heaven is a place that I might never be,
But Hell was losing those years from me.
I built a life on the power of my will,
A positive thought, and I’m winning still,
And though bad days might get me down,
In light of the past, they don’t raise a frown.

Here I am, caught in the space between
Sleep and awake, reality and dream,
Thirteen years later, I can finally write
The poem that escaped me for half my life;
My words grow fast; they swell and bloom;
Can you hear me, God? They fill the room.