The Night The Vipers Bite

By jolono

Mon, 17 Mar 2014
  • 1245 reads
5 comments
 

No moon, no stars, no street lamps to guide you home down this lane. You've taken this shortcut many times before but never on a night like this. A hard cold wind makes a sound like a scream from a baby’s mouth. You turn, try to see, your eyes stream with nervous tears. Nothing but jet black meets your gaze. But then, movement? Low down in the hedgerow. You keep going, your pace quickens. A sting in your ankle makes you fall. Another sting, then another. This is the night. The night the vipers bite.  

Certificate U
Story
Strange Life Tales
Other Fiction

Comments

Submitted by jolono on

A 100 word challenge.

 

Submitted by alexislebaroudeur on

Perhaps the problem with the end of this piece of writing is excessive rhyme?
Try also switching your determiners - particularly in the sentence "A hard cold wind makes a sound like a scream from a baby’s mouth", something feels amiss.
Keep up the effort!

 

Submitted by jolono on

Thanks alexislebarouder. Funny, I'd never even thought about the rhyming at the end. I'll have to change that. It was just an challenge to myself to write something within 100 words. But thanks for the encouragement, I'll keep trying.

 

Submitted by VeraClark on

No easy feat doing 100 words. They become addictive. Like the sense of dislocation and the night language is atmospheric. 

 

Submitted by Denzella on

Joe,

Where did this one come from?  This is not your usual style but that is good because writing something completely different strectches the writer but still you manage to convey a good, albeit short,  story and it bears your signature in that it is a story that the reader wants to know more about.

Enjoyed

Moya