The Silly Wizard of Chumberly

 

The Silly Wizard of Chumberly danced on one leg, nibbled on a liquorice lizard and pondered the best way of winning the heart of his beau, Princess Sparklesox.

 

His assistant Sponk walked in smoking something green and curiously fragranced.

 

"It's not gonna work, you know," said Sponk.

 

"What?" said the wizard.

 

"Whatever new scheme you're cooking up to get Miss Chucklebox to lift her snotty head from her macrame and notice you exist."

 

"She's a princess, not a miss... and her name is Sparklesox."

 

"Whatevs... but it's time you lifted you own cretinous bonce out of the cloud of candyfloss in which it is presently situated and start thinking about saving the kingdom."

 

"It doesn't need saving again!"

 

"It always needs fucking saving. Come on, let's get to work."

 

 

 

Gammandolf the wizard (who was human and silly) and Sponk the wizard's assistant (who was a 'rough' but surprisingly erudite gnome) looked at some maps.

 

"So where's the dragon?" said Gammandolf.

 

"There's no such thing as dragons, you idiot," said Sponk.

 

"But I'm a wizard!" said the wizard. "Aren't I supposed to be vanquishing terrible foes and saving dusky maidens?"

 

"You're a wizard in the same sense that I'm a mystical woodland sprite."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Not really."

 

Gammandolf took a sip of hot milk.

 

"Here, here and here," said Sponk, as he slammed a crusty finger down on different spots on one of the maps.

 

"What?" said the wizard (who wasn't really a wizard).

 

"That's where they've been seen hanging out."

 

"Who?"

 

"Asborcs."

 

"What?"

 

"Unlawful youths with their demonic hoods and unholy rhetoric of confusion."

 

"Then we're off to scare away some hoodies?"

 

"Pretty much."

 

"Let's go!"

 

 

 

Shapeless and menacing, they gathered like shadows by the apothecary, smoke rising from their deformed heads, betraying their origins as the hellish spawn of wraiths and fire serpents (or something).

 

"Bollocks, there's more of them than I thought," said Sponk.

 

The asborcs turned as one towards them.

 

"Check aht da magikman an ihs skanky dwaf, innit!" said a voice beneath a hood.

 

"(What did he say?)" said Gammandolf.

 

"(Let me do the talking)" said Sponk. "First," he continued in the direction of the asborcs, "I'm not a 'dwaf', I'm a gnome... and second... prepare to meet your doom, street demons! (get out your wand)"

 

"(What?)"

 

"(Are you a wizard or a wazzock? Get out your wand!)"

 

"(I forgot to bring it)"

 

"(You're joking)"

 

"(You told me I wasn't a real wizard!)"

 

"(Oh for f-)"

 

There was a roar and a leathery flapping behind them, and one of the asborcs looked as though he had wet his pants.

 

"O ma feckin dez," said that asborc, "it's ornly a feckin dra-"

 

His words and his hood were obliterated, along with those of his fellows, by the gout of pink and orange flame which was spewed out of the air behind Gammandolf and Sponk.

 

 

 

"You said there's no such thing as dragons."

 

Sponk shrugged.

 

"Shall we go for a pint?"

 

Sponk nodded.

 

The Silly Wizard of Chumberly and his gnome assistant Sponk went for a pint.