My dead diary - graveyard wars

Thursday. Delegations arriving at the museum most of the day so things must be getting serious. Most fighting’s in the west, with the tedious rivalries between the cemeteries erupting yet again. Kensal Green and Highgate are bitter old enemies and already scrapping enthusiastically, their battle lines drawn up along old Watling Street through Kilburn and Cricklewood. Brompton looks like joining Kensal but Paddington’s wavering and might stay neutral this time.

One of our visitors is that Clerkenwell zombie who drank me under the table on Tuesday – turns out he’s representing the noble dissenters of Bunhill Fields and various City crypt-dweller societies. They’re thinking of opening a second front, pushing up through Islington and Holloway against the posh folk of Highgate who seem to have even fewer friends than usual.

I really can’t be bothered with it all. I’ve seen so many of these flare-ups before and they always come banging on our doors because of the Assyrians (who will thrash all comers if only they could be persuaded to stay sober for a night). Needless to say someone suggests a fact-finding mission and needless to say I’ve been fingered for the job. Still, anything to get out for a while.