Watch the Dying Day (The Grey World)

It isn’t allowed in this house
in this room
or
in this bed

It’s
dust on a window pane
old net curtains pulling
pale cloudy light
into the room like a leaking pipe

It’s having to print something
out
having to be somewhere
forms to fill
deadline dreams
to doubt

It’s a TV programme that shouldn’t exist
shouting meaningless words
into a dead afternoon

It sits in your throat
and stops you leaving the bed
it holds
you down
closes up your breath
and makes you worry about your health

It’s a radio in an empty house
in winter
and knowing there’s nobody listening to it

It’s when there’s fuck all outside
to interest you
just more faces pushing prams
wearing shoes
and holding coats

talking weather
recipes
and politics

It’s boredom
with
your
own
life

It’s what you could have done
- if you had the chance
what you should be doing,
could be achieving
if you had the skill
or fight or
brains

It’s what others are doing
without you

It’s rheumy razors
and old socks
tiny drips of tears on necks

It’s things not working
never working
breaking down and flaking out
a dying light
in an industrial womb

It’s no guarantee

It’s bad art
- your bad art
it’s the truth that hurts
it’s the lack of belief over breakfast
it’s nowhere to sit
and
it’s taking tickets to wait your turn

It’s hollow office space
cold linoleum castles

desk here
cabinet there
a heart beat beating
beneath ribs, red blood
sinew
and seats

Cardboard dreams half unpacked

It’s laundry,
food shopping, begging
driving nowhere,
taking out the trash

It’s what you must do instead
and don’t care for

It’s no will
to tie your shoes
it’s wonky frames
and ordinary names
it’s classical literature you can’t remember
but
wish you could

It’s lamps you can’t reach
it’s bad breath
hungry lighters running low
scraping empty sparks across your thumb

It drags your cheeks down
to your chin
makes you look old in the mirror
makes you thin
It’s an endless list of chores
and
no one
to tell you
well
done

It’s icy sting submission sentences
like
“that’s just the way it is”

It’s all this and more
it’s the anger of God
and no fucking God at all
its your beliefs
bang in the bog

It’s here
to bite your heart
and to chew your eyebrows

I try to keep it out
because
it’s no longer allowed
in this house
this room
or
this bed