I have 58 stories published in
2 collections on the site.
My stories have been read 45219 times and 59 of my stories have been cherry picked.
61 of my comments have been voted Great feedback.
A second piece from you - a
Posted on Sat, 08 Feb 2014
A second piece from you - a poem this time and a damn fine one it is too. There is lots to like in this and I particularly admire the soundless feet image.
However the whole is greater than its parts and all that.
That you have managed to engender a fabulous relational aspect between the two in the full glare of the Big Top and under the wondrous scrutiny of the throng is really the thing that sets this poem apart from the crowd. At the close I am left wondering if he was spurned, or denied, or usurped. I guess that I'll never know for sure but I'm guessing at denied.
This is a great piece of poetry. ABCtales has a great, new talent on its hands.
Posted in The Acrobat
I love this! Welcome to
Posted on Sun, 02 Feb 2014
I love this! Welcome to ABCtales Tina. Can't wait to read more..
Now, I've read it a few times and with each read I have liked it more. There is a lot going on here. A fragmented mind at work in terms of the poetic narrative perhaps. Just needs tightening and a little sorting out. Even so it's very good. Hope you're ok with that (obviously subjective) opinion.
Posted in DRIP
"nicotine tarred walls(.)
Posted on Wed, 08 Jan 2014
"nicotine tarred walls(.) Many of the patients"
"that wouldn’t meet my eye, or look at me." If she wouldn't meet your eye then we know she couldn't look?
"The walls were a sickly mildew green and (the) radiator"
"ward routine moving round about him." (Me)
"but found himself (myself) wondering"
"them into his (my) mouth"
"sense in a place were (where) nonsense"
"Meandering behind, I followed her" He must have been behind if he followed her?
"of Mr Williams (Williams's) office."
"smoke rings clung to her face as she smoked". The repetition of smoke is a little bit distracting?
"catch up with his (my) body."
"hung between (us) them,"
"settled on his (my) face and she looked at him (me) like a stranger."
"Myra stood at (the) psychiatrist’s door"
"Then (we) quietly whispered"
I would consider splitting the first paragraph, maybe at "The new sleeping quarters I’d been assigned seemed like a punishment." There are a couple of paragraph indents that need to be inserted too.
With a tighter edit this will be as good to go as the others celt. I particularly like the 'Blackpool rock without the sticky bits' and the reference to the bottle of Bell's on Hogmonay!
Posted in school photos 36
Posted on Tue, 07 Jan 2014
There is gravity to the prose that suggests that the philosophical nature of self questioning is going to be important as a foundation to the writing. Whilst very different in content parts of the prose style of this piece reminded me of Albert Camus.
Be mindful of the issues arising from writing from a position of omniscience. This has to be your first and most important decision; whether to continue in this vein or not.
The first sentence is sound, it does its job but then things get a little too woolly. Firm things up a bit.
"All his life the duo of balance had left divine notes around for him to obey. Vague and ambiguous, the notes drove him in whatever direction they pleased. Should he choose to ignore them it would reflect poorly upon his luck."
Be specific about what the 'duo of balance is' I guess that it's the two good/evil characters that he has met? These 'divine notes' were left 'lying around' - where exactly in his fridge? on the bus home from school? Place this in a physical context and give the reader some tangible things to get hold of.
The last sentence is ambiguous to the point of it not making sense. If he chose to ignore the notes it would reflect on his decision making not his luck. Luck is a random occurrence?
On the whole this has enough intrigue about it to hold the reader but whether that is sustainable over a longer piece (or an entire novel) I'm not sure. Address the decision about omniscient narration and give some tangible detail for your reader to latch onto.
Good luck and I look forward to reading more from you Daniels.
Posted in A Beginning to an End
Yes, when I first read this I
Posted on Sat, 14 Dec 2013
Yes, when I first read this I admired the authenticity of the voice and was curious, for obvious reasons, about your opinion about challenges of writing in a 'childish' idiom.
I was struck by how hard this was when I started out on my latest series, having thought that achieving a convincing child narrative would be easy, how wrong I was. Here you have engaged the right tone and more importantly a convincing childlike psychology - a childish way of seeing the world - that is the major part of getting it 'right' I believe.
Whilst your protagonist is younger than mine (see, you must have got it right for me to deduce that when you haven't given away the age) the same idiosyncrasies of specific word choice and selection of priorities for the speaker are extant. This is a great start to what I hope will eventually become your first published novel Vera. Fingers crossed for you.
Well done indeed.
Posted in Inside (1)