Beach by little ditty

I’m in total agreement. This is so good, yet so painful to read. I really liked: I cannot wait too long against a force of skin wanting you in waves along the beach of your body.

For some reason, I like that 'where the skin aches for shore loss' alteration. It's neatly cryptic. This is tightly controlled - with some clever rhythmic tricks - and there's a nice sponteneity to the voice, beginning on 'Yes, ...'. However, I do think the subject needs to be worked a bit harder in order to avoid feeling well trodden. Longing is a *very* frequent subject of poems, and it's dev'lishly hard to not echo what's already been. I think 'ecstatic' needs to be dropped. I find it a weak word. Also, bringing it down to 'each pore' feels tired to me. The 'beach of the body' is the main, extended metaphor, of course, and the spine of the poem. I think this could be teased out even further - the air and lungs line in particular suggested to me that something visual could be done with wind (beaches are often windy,) and sails or coves. I also think the 'bud' metaphor needs to go, as it does conflict with it. Buds on a beach? Pleasure being 'lost on the tips of tongues' is a strong image, and "I will drink salt, water, fire in the moonlight" is a great line - permits me to think not only of salt, water and fire as three separate things, but also of a fantastic amalgamation - saltwater-fire! Ace!

Juliet, Foster,Venson and Jack -thank you -I have had a lot of editing suggestions and J & V - i will look at this again with your ideas at hand -only written a couple of days ago and is transforming -still lamenting the snip of a couple of ghosts, seawead, a drowning, 'fill your air with lungs' etc - but i suspect there is some way to go - jack - you are right to get me to think about teasing and cutting metaphors in this - and i thank you for all suggestions and comments -Cheers!