Lullaby

This is a pretty wonderful poem Beeme.

and I spend my night-shift visiting you every ten minutes.
With diluted food between my palms like offerings
,stacking pillows like prayer mats.

should there be a full stop at the end of third line? and if yes would next line work better dropping with? it could read:

and I spend my night-shift visiting you every ten minutes
with diluted food between my palms like offerings,
stacking pillows like prayer mats.

or

and I spend my night-shift visiting you every ten minutes.
Diluted food between my palms like offerings,
stacking pillows like prayer mats.

I prefer the first one but the second feels quite nice as well although a bit listy (that's not even a word)

The last stanza is full of stunning and tender images but needs tweaking here and there - the religious conceit that runs through works really well - the image of the children tracing the outline of the heart monitor is first rate. The last line doesn't feel quite right.

But Beeme it's your poem/just an opinion etc... :-)

It feels like you have really found something to write about and boy are you showing us how you can write. ATB fatboy

Thanks so much Fatboy :-) I'm still not completely happy about the last stanza...

Beeme xx

There is some seriously beautiful imagery in this, Beeme - utterly stunning stuff, but I agree with fatboy about the final stanza. Although all three stanzas are incredible I think the final two lines in the second are a little more powerful than in the third, and when I read the poem with the two stanzas switched around it still read completely fluently for me - that's how good each stanza is. My suggestion's just an opinion also, so I hope you don't mind it :)

Really enjoyed this and many congrats on yet another well-deserved cherry - your poetry gathers such deep layers over such short spaces of time, Beeme, and your dedication to your job and eye for detail shine through in each piece. Really loving how your words are flowing, and where they're flowing, if you know what I mean ;)

Thanks for a great read and hope you don't mind the ramble ;)

Rachel xx

Thank you very much Rachel your comment is so kind and greatly appreciated! Thanks for all your suggestions fatboy, I hope it all seems alittle more balanced now :)

Beeme xx

I loved it before but think the changes you have made really work. :-)

more than thanks Fatboy :)

new Beeme
Well deserved cherries!
So much in this seems so true,
and to life! I know like I nursed
pop at home. As a carer, must be a a little Florence Nightingale. Cut it down as third time, lst comment.
take care.
julie xx

These lines really jumped out at me:

And I keep on thinking we could bend these wires
into crosses – but faith can’t erase the erosion of time,
hope a remedy itself on Tuesdays when your family visits.
Your granddaughters trace the heart monitor with their fingertips;
you tell them it's a lullaby and they believe -

Beautiful poem!

Perfecto!

Loved this poem all the more second time round, Beeme - brilliant writing and that final line is the cherry on the cake :)

Rachel xx

Congrats, Beeme! Well deserved POW - looking forward to more! :)

Rachel xx

This is not only our Poem of the Week but also our Facebook and Twitter pick of the day.

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Get a great reading recommendation most days.

"Diluted food between my palms like offerings,
stacking pillows like prayer mats."

- love these lines, Beeme. A beautiful piece that just flows off the page. Well done!

Magic xxx

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read and I'm so happy you enjoyed. Thank you very much Tony for picking this for poem of the week and facebook and twitter pick, it is an honour! Thanks Fatboy for suggesting me :-)

Beeme xx

Lovely one Beeme, again you make sad seem happy, the caring, the lullaby lie, the help of faith and hope.

new A very well done!
Congrat; chosen for
Poem of the week.
Also Facebook and Twitter
Pick of the day.
Sad but beautiful.
And fatboy suggesting her.
julie xx

Thank you very much Kahdai and Julie xx

You're welcome Beeme - thoroughly deserved. :-)

Great poem Beeme. I love the image of the heart monitor bleeping a lullaby. I used to work in intensive care and wish I'd thought of that one!

This week's poem of the week reminded me I still hadn't popped over to last week's poem of the week to leave a comment even though I'd already been here a few times to read this wonderful piece of work that reminded me of my mum's death. You are a very talented very young lady.

Thank you so very much Nicola6 and oldpesky.

Beeme x