I’m on my knees in the kitchen and I’ve filled two whole binbags - big ones - with out of date packets and tins. At the bottom of the drawer I discover an empty bottle of soy sauce and a huge brown sticky mess which I scrub at until my fingers are red and sore. It’s not really helping though.
As I’m rearranging the remainder of the contents, the estate agent phones. He wants to apologise for not finding anyone to buy my house. He’s done the enthusiastic wording, his colleague has taken the photographs and photoshopped them into something surprisingly attractive - even I quite like my house in those pictures - and I never knew you could do such a convincing blue sky – I don’t think it’s ever rained as much as it did the day they came, but you wouldn’t know it from the photograph.
Despite the glossy brochure though, only two people have been to view, and the estate agent says the phone in the office hasn’t rung at all in the past three days. I tell him it’s okay – and it is – I mean there’s absolutely nothing else I can do. Jumping up and down and shaking my fist isn’t going to help. Anyway, I can think of a million places much worse than this to get stuck in.
After I put the phone down – I look around – there must be something else I can do. The handles – all the handles are loose in the kitchen. I find a screwdriver and go round fixing them all. Then I hoover. Again. You never know, someone might come, and it’ s better to be ready than not.
Looking at the clock, it’s nearly time to go to the gym for my assessment, but I need some coffee first – it doesn’t exactly make up for not sleeping but it’s better than nothing. While I’m waiting for it to be ready, I run upstairs and change into the leggings I bought the day before – they’re black and skinny, with zips at the ankle - not exactly sportswear, but everyone’s got limits. I look in the mirror, and I definitely need a longer tshirt so I pull one out of the drawer. I’ve never been to a gym before and I’m not really looking forward to it, but I have to keep busy. I’ll try anything – anything to shut out the awful feeling.
It’s only happened a few times in my life before. Each time….. I just have this feeling that something bad’s happening, and nothing makes it go – it doesn’t matter what I do.
It could be anything. Maybe he’s busy. Maybe he went away for the weekend and forgot to say. There are all sorts of excuses – reasons I can think up, but I know none of them are true. I know something bad is happening.
I grab the shoes I bought in Tucson to walk up the mountain that we never went to in the end because time just drifted by. They’ll do. I grab a coat and run out of the house. It’s getting dark - there’s already frost on my car windows, and the cold takes my breath away. Driving through the rush hour traffic to the gym, I take painkillers out of the blister pack, keeping one hand on the steering wheel, but I know they aren’t going to fix my head.
It’s not so bad once I start. A man with sad eyes takes me through a programme they‘ve fixed for me. He doesn’t look as if his heart is really in it, and I wonder how he ended up here, why he looks so beaten. I try really hard; whenever he says there’s something extra I can do – another five minutes on a machine – I do it. He looks approvingly at me, and halfway through he smiles encouragingly; “You’ll sleep well tonight”
I smile back, but inside I’m thinking about all the nights lately where I’ve hardly slept at all – and I know he’s wrong. Nothing’s going to make me sleep, not while… not until I find out if he’s okay. It’s been eleven days since I heard from him. I’m giving it two more days before I get on a plane. Tonight I’ll write one last email.
Comments
skinner_jennifer | November 16, 2010 - 19:20
This sounds like a real nightmare, trying to sell a
house is a nightmare in its self, but when you have
other things going round and round in your head, well
I cannot imagine what it must be like.
Hope this story turns out okay in the end.
Thanks for the read.
Jenny.
insertponceyfre... | November 16, 2010 - 19:25
thanks for reading and commenting Jenny. Perhaps I"ll try your candle spell once more. Nice to see you back again!
skinner_jennifer | November 16, 2010 - 19:45
Thankyou insert,
it's good to be back. I can imagine the hardest part
is having to keep the house up to selling condition.
I really do wish you all the luck in the world, you
deserve it.
Jenny.
rjnewlyn | November 16, 2010 - 19:45
Yes, I do hope it works out. Perhaps you're right and the only solution is to get on a plane.
I sympathise with your insomnia. It's 3.45am E Asian time, I've got to be up at 6.30, and my brain has decided it's somewhere else entirely. I've never found exercise helps either.
Rob
celticman | November 16, 2010 - 19:48
yep, life's a bitch, then you... hit the gym? Sounds like a 70s disco number, only more depressing. I've never heard Neil Young. Is he depressing enough? I liked this because it's so depressing. That cheers me up. Seriously, it's...
Highhat | November 16, 2010 - 21:02
yes it was rather depressing- hope things get better than the crisis you are painting
;)Pia
Cavalcaderl | November 16, 2010 - 22:04
new inserponceyfre
Good read, life is like
that sometimes,I know too
last month drastic,two things
happened too, but can smile again
now things going right, back to normal.
Hope things look up for you.
well deserved cherry!
all the best
julie x
insertponceyfre... | November 16, 2010 - 23:18
thanks for reading this Julie, I'm really glad things are looking up for you
pleased to have cheered you up celticman. Neil Young is brilliant - how can you not have listened to him before?
Thanks for the good wishes Pia and for reading
Rob - SE Asia - you went somewhere hot. I'm jealous. Hopefully it was almost worth the jetlag to escape the cold or a while. The plane idea is still up in the air, so to speak
seashore | November 17, 2010 - 10:10
This is great stuff - so well expressed.
rjnewlyn | November 17, 2010 - 15:14
Not SE Asia, E Asia - rather cold actually most of the time and raining the rest of it. Wouldn't want to give the wrong impression! But good to walk in these strange places and not complaining.
Rob
MistakenMagic | November 17, 2010 - 18:38
Oh, I know that one - I've joined the gym at my college here in Durham. The gym is below my room but I'm yet to visit it - too busy and too damn terrified! Hang in there, insert, things have a way of workign themselves out one way or another! And well done on the cherry ;)
Magic xxx
insertponceyfre... | November 17, 2010 - 19:01
thanks magic - that's exactly the way I am thinking about it. Not sure I feel the same about the gym though. I thought you were meant to feel good after it? Maybe I am doing something wrong. Can't honestly recommend it to you - writing is much more pleasurable.
fatboy74 | November 18, 2010 - 01:17
Really enjoyed this Insert (although kept thinking I could hear Robert Smith singing somewhere in the background) I love the way you capture the ordinary and make it extremely readable - I think Seamus Heaney called it the 'music of what happens' - hope you get some buyers round soon and other things are resolved well. :-)
What's a gym?
insertponceyfre... | November 18, 2010 - 19:03
thanks fatboy - ha ha about the gym - I wouldn't bother if I were you - it's really painful!
insertponceyfre... | November 18, 2010 - 19:08
blighters, you always take the time to write LOADS and I really appreciate that - not the idea that I wear yellow hotpants though - please disabuse yourself of that thought right now. grey leggings today from school uniform dept at the supermarket - stylish eh? I'm glad you like reading it, because I'm really enjoying writing it at the moment
if there were any gits at all I would be very happy to lower my price, but sadly there are none
SundaysChild | November 19, 2010 - 04:31
Very well written, much enjoyed. Hope all goes well x
darkenwolf | November 28, 2010 - 14:14
The workings of a brilliant story here you end with the reader asking the questions who is he, whats wrong with him why is she selling the house i need to know more
Well done
insertponceyfre... | November 28, 2010 - 14:16
thanks very much bruce - I'm glad you enjoyed it
darkenwolf | November 28, 2010 - 15:05
are you going to finish the story or is this just a teaser?
Bruce
insertponceyfre... | November 28, 2010 - 16:17
it's ongoing bruce - haven't finished yet, but hope to eventually