…so the alarm goes and I’d only just got to sleep as I had a shitty night everything going round and round and now I have to get dressed to see the dr I never dress and when I do I can only wear two dresses because that’s all that fits me now oh how I hate myself I must get going but I’ll have a fag first then on the way to the drs I start thinking about the ip and how for me it’s not so much kerouac though on the road is fantastic to read I’ve not read his poetry so for me it’s about lennon how he wrote a beatle’s song though you knew it was john because of the line about how he blew his mind out in a car that’s how he was one of us brilliant but fucked and I want to run home to my laptop and write
but then I’m at the surgery I have a fag outside it’s one of my rituals I notice I have yellow stains between my fingers tell myself I must hide them from the Dr then when I see her she asks me how I am I get my list out because last time she told me off when I forgot something I had to go back but I tell her I’m prepared so I start with the painkillers how I couldn’t stand being me and feel like I’m cracking up so she says she won’t cut my valium for another two weeks have I exercised yet so I say I haven’t because I’ve been feeling ill well she says that’s what painkillers do I ask for some antihistamines which she tells me not to abuse like before I say okay it’s only when she gives me some nicotine gum she asks if I’m still not smoking and I lie and remember too late about the fingers then I say thanks
but I am thinking about my old Dr who I used to have a real laugh with and you know he got me he understood me he knew me inside out but he had to go to New Zealand because of the fucking cuts the bastards me and him always agreed on politics and then I have to get down to the chemist and I’m so scared I’m going to buy painkillers and I know I mustn’t but the compulsion is making me so ill I quickly buy some chocolate and a copy of heat instead and now that’s sorted I’m back to the ip
then I’m at the chemist and I tick the back of all my prescriptions though it’s illegal and I’ll probably be done but I can’t afford to pay for about 100 items then I trudge back home and when by the time I’m home my nose is streaming and my dress is sticking to me what’s this sweating is it the meds or my age I’m sick of looking like a tomato then I take about 15 antihistamines and fall asleep but when I get up the ip is still there and I’ve got to get it all down because I’ll feel really ill if I don’t but the bloody builders are making such a racket and I can’t stand the noise and my laptop’s on the blink I have a john cleese moment and I scream obscenities at it so I go back to bed and
try and read about the holocaust which is all I can do when I’m like this and it sounds really sick but it’s the only thing I can concentrate on and somehow I think that I will finally be able to understand how it could have happened but I never do so then weirdly I’m into the chapter about the Nazis euthanasia policies for the mentally ill and it’s not new to me of course because at the mental health charity I had to comment on how terrible it was and of course it was and then it got even worse and that was just a practice run for what came after which is completely indefensible you really can’t go there
but I still can’t help wondering why my parents had me when they knew mental illness was on both sides and there are days I wish I didn’t exist my laptop still won’t work so I can’t write it doesn’t give a shit about my obsessions and the banging goes on and then that baby wailing howling as usual doesn’t the mother feel like suffocating it but that’s obscene and I must be a nazi myself I am so vile but none of it will stop my head buzzes like a fridge I must write I must
but then my husband comes in of course I don’t bother to tell him about john the noise the baby the nazis the computer or the ip because I can see he’s knackered and can do without me wittering on so we eat and while we watch amy winehouse I wonder why her not me then it’s bedtime and we read together even though I’ve moved on to treblinka but the ip is still there I say to my husband god I’ve got bad abc ocd he tells me to calm down write it tomorrow if I must then I tell myself I don’t need to write it anyway because someone has already written about depression it’s much better than anything I could ever write so dutifully I swallow my valium
but the drugs don’t work they only make you worse the ip is still there and like a junky which is what I am after all I have to get this down I am shaking as I write I have no idea if it’s any good everyone has tried the ip this week they are all in a different league to me mine is crap compared to them and I feel so apologetic and inferior I am so useless then I wonder why I loathe myself so much but that’s a different story so
maybe I’ll ask someone off the site who is obsessive too he gives really good advice though he is so full of ideas I always have to make changes and I wonder if he’s secretly an editor but what the hell he can look at it anyway and now at least it’s quiet there’s no banging and maybe the baby is even sleeping insomnia always makes you feel like you’re the only person awake going over and over things but on abc there’s loads of other insomniacs thank god so anyhow I bow to the inevitable
like a tongue probing probing away at a mouth ulcer and even now I’ve got most of this down it’s the same old same old my brain is still swirling the thoughts won’t go I suppose I’ll eke out the remainder of the night with tea and fags I should try to sleep but can’t the adrenaline rips and rages through me now my other half has caught me and told me to come to bed for gods sake but the nazis are still there they’re always there did the vatican collude could should the allies do more I’m exhausted
then I’m back to john lennon and how he sings I’d give you everything I’ve got for a little peace of mind shit mum will ring in the morning to see how I am I love her but just when I may have finally dropped off she will shout are you there please pick up I’m worried about you I don’t blame her I’d be anxious too is this any good if I had a daughter like me will I catch an hour where can I stop this hellish merry-go round there never really is an end to anything is there………..
Comments
maggyvaneijk | August 18, 2011 - 11:51
I could read more and more and more of this. And this seems like the lamest thing to say but I for one am very glad your parents decided to have you, whether you've got a kooky brain or not (I've got a very kooky brain!) else I wouldn't enjoy your wonderful comments and your even more wonderful pieces. Keep writing, else I'll come and find you!
Overthetop1 | August 18, 2011 - 12:37
God Maggy that means one helluva lot to me It's better than the cherry You can come and find me anytime!LOL from one kooky brain to another.
Overthetop1 | August 18, 2011 - 12:41
Thanks very much for the cherry eds. It does mean a lot to me.
oldpesky | August 18, 2011 - 13:07
Wonderful flow to this piece, which captures the spirit of the IP perfectly. Just get it down and get it out.
You have laid yourself bare here and will be more appreciated for it. Eh, not that you weren't appreciated in the first place.
Hope the cherry rush hasn't worn off yet? Put your feet up for the rest of the day and save your energy for Celebrity Big Brother.
hudsonmoon | August 18, 2011 - 14:05
Brilliant and moving. I love finding these treasures in the morning.
Rich
Overthetop1 | August 18, 2011 - 15:50
Well thank You kindly OP. You are really very kind. Still got vestiges of the cherry rush but it's wearing off as fast as cocaine. The Scotch is on it's way. Don't know what make it is as I got to that riot a bit late but the lttle terrors had left a bottle for me.
I thanked them later as we were in one of our hiding places and told them I may write about them one day and they were so moved some of them cried. Or was that the CS gas?
Overthetop1 | August 18, 2011 - 15:51
Thank you very much Rich. I am extremely grateful that anybody bothered to read it all the way through. It must have been like wading through treacle
Highhat | August 18, 2011 - 17:37
It wasn't like wading through treacle- it was a bit like eating the sweet stuff- getting enriched and your life getting sweeter because you're never alone and well I won't pull you from your piedestal but you are human and thanks for writing this and especially the way you wrote it made it very very urh interesting- that's it you are an interesting person but I guess I knew that from your other pieces.
;)Pia
barryj1 | August 18, 2011 - 19:38
You write very well. You write very well. You write very well. You write very well. You write very well. You write very well. You write very well. You write very well. You write very well. You write very well. You write very well. You write very well.
Maggy writes
I could read more and more and more of this. And this seems like the lamest thing to say but I for one am very glad your parents decided to have you, whether you've got a kooky brain or not (I've got a very kooky brain!) else I wouldn't enjoy your wonderful comments and your even more wonderful pieces. Keep writing, else I'll come and find you!
I agree with Maggy. This is really good. I don't know exactly what makes it good but it certainly is. I've read every writer on the planet from Tolstoy to Hemingway, Chekhov to stuffy old German farts like Thomas Mann, and I can assure you that this is good stuff. Personal demons taken aside, you are a class act.
Overthetop1 | August 19, 2011 - 02:52
Thank you dear Pia. I do try to be um interesting (insane may be a better word). I hope my epitaph is `Though she knew nothing about punctuation at least she wasn't boring'. Now where do I put the exclamation mark?
Overthetop1 | August 19, 2011 - 02:57
Wow thanks Barry. I am pretty overwhelmed. I think you are trying to tell me I can write. I am not sure I can but thanks so much. I will try to be convinced (until the next piece of work bombs). I am ashamed to say I haven't even read Tolstoy. Terrible to admit. I like Thomas Mann, even more so because the Nazis hated him. Too decadent (sic?) I believe?
barryj1 | August 19, 2011 - 11:51
Rest assured, You can write!!!
tcook | August 19, 2011 - 12:26
This is just great. It's not only our Story of the Week it's also our Twitter and Facebook pick of the day.
Join us on Facebook at ABCtales.com
Join us on Twitter @tcookabctales
Get a great reading recommendation most days.
barryj1 | August 19, 2011 - 13:02
Ask someone with a PhD in Comparative Literature if you can write and he will incline his precocious nose at a steep angle and complain that you didn't properly punctuate a particular paragraph or that a comma was ommited in the third sentence of the fourth paragraph, blah, blah, blah.
So what? It makes no difference in the larger scheme of things - in terms of how the writing resonates with the only people in the world that truly count (i.e. your readers) you can write.
Congrats on story of the week, Twitter and Facebook.
barryj1 | August 19, 2011 - 13:02
barryj1
celticman | August 19, 2011 - 14:50
I think you are right. Abc is full of insomniacs. Three in the morning here is...eh three in the morning, but who cares? A great take on the IP. And I'm quite partial to a bit of holocaust literature myself.
Overthetop1 | August 19, 2011 - 14:54
Thank you very much Barry for going to such lengths to convince me. I am just about starting to believe i've got something, though I know not what. I don't think this was everyone's cup of tea, but I am very glad it was yours.
Overthetop1 | August 19, 2011 - 15:01
Thank you very much Celticman for your kind comment. I am a terrible insomniac, particularly after I have just posted!
If you have strange tastes like me, I woul reccomend, if you haven' already `Into the Darknness'by Gitta Sereney, `Justice not Venegance' Simon Wiesenthal, finally Victor Klemperers `I Will Bear Witness' diaries 1933-45. I'm proably teaching my grandmother to suck eggs. (where the hell does that come from?)
Overthetop1 | August 19, 2011 - 15:02
Thank you so much ed for Story of the Week. I am in shock!
celticman | August 19, 2011 - 15:09
Yep OTT read the first two, but couldn't really get into the third. It was too upbeat :@
seashore | August 19, 2011 - 15:15
Congrats - well deserved.
Overthetop1 | August 19, 2011 - 17:08
Dear Celticman - possibly start on the 41-45 diary? You may well be right if you started at 1933. I promise you things do get pretty awful. If that's any consolation.
Overthetop1 | August 19, 2011 - 17:08
Dear Celticman - possibly start on the 41-45 diary? You may well be right if you started at 1933. I promise you things do get pretty awful. If that's any consolation.
Overthetop1 | August 19, 2011 - 17:09
Thank you very much Seashore. I do appreciate it.
oldpesky | August 19, 2011 - 17:28
Celebrate good times, come on! (Let's celebrate)
There's a party goin' on round here...
Congratulations OTT on your...hic...success. As you can see the nurses have allowed me to get the...hic...sauce out tonight in your honour. Join me and the gang in a toast...hic...may your beat go on and on and on for a very long time to come...hic.
Overthetop1 | August 20, 2011 - 00:43
OP I knew I should never have sent you the Scotch. And i'll be having words with those nurses in the morning. You just never learn to pace yourself do you? And if you're wondering what i'm doing on here at this hour, not only have I got ABC OCD (see next intallment of ABC OCD under the heading `All Night Vigils') but I also have raging toothache. The symptoms were partly obscured by the rush of SOTW, but, ever since my dentist closed at 5.30 on the dot, it got a lot worse. But I have to try to stay alive to not only reprimand those nurses, but to try to reply personally to all my fan mail. Sleep tight.
Jane May | August 20, 2011 - 04:26
This is fabulous. I love the way it flows on and on so easily. Well done on the Story of the Week, it was a very good take for the IP.
Jane
insertponceyfre... | August 20, 2011 - 05:30
brilliant - well done, over! best thing I've read for ages ...except.....wait... you won't go getting story of the week ocd now will you?
celticman | August 20, 2011 - 17:44
Oh, yeh Overthetop, forgot to mention I started writing my own holocaust story, which kinda fizzled out, but like many others I may pick it up later:http://www.abctales.com/set/celticman/ruth-stories
Overthetop1 | August 21, 2011 - 09:08
Thank you so much Jane. I really appreciate it.
Overthetop1 | August 21, 2011 - 09:12
Thank you very much insert. You are very kind. 'The best thing you've read in ages.' Really? God that is praise and i'm honoured. I've thought about getting SOTW OCD - but I have managed to convince myself i'll never, ever write anyhthing as good, i've peaked, my best is behind me etc. Oh shit that is ABC OCD. Oh well there you go. I have got it.
Overthetop1 | August 21, 2011 - 09:20
Thanks for the tip Celticman. I need something depressing to read - having nearly finished Konin, which really isn't bleak enough.
Overthetop1 | August 28, 2011 - 21:51
Thank you very much lephiloup. I really appreciate your comments. I am afraid I didn't have to work too hard on representing a racing brain. Mine really is just like that. I didn't think it would be much fun to read - but very glad it was. I tried to impart a bit of humour as my racing brain does joke with itslf at it's own expense. See what I maen about a racing brain? And I've got to put up with this all night now! Thank God for ABC.
fatboy74 | August 30, 2011 - 10:12
Fuck dreary ott this is the nuts - reminds me of James kelman's How late it was - the cherry and sow glow might fade but come back when you're having doubts and read the comments left by people who care about your work - then read your own words. I have no reason to lie about how good I think it is and everybody else i'm sure is the same and besides Barry says you can write and he's brilliant and says I'm brilliant (which of course is true) and so you're brilliant as well. :-)
Overthetop1 | September 4, 2011 - 02:26
FB-`this is the nuts' is the nicest thing anyone has ever said about my work! Thanks so so much for your comments. Much appreciated. I have noticed Barry is rather partial to your work and was pretty darn chuffed when he seemed to quite like mine too. Oh and it is very nice reading the comments. I keep thinking `Do they mean me?' I think my puncuation was wrong just there. It was so nice to just fling the whole punctuation rule book away for once. Thanks again.
ScoZen | October 4, 2011 - 16:37
Hello Overthetop1.
Late to your tale and just to say MaggyV has said it all for me.
Regards
skinner_jennifer | December 1, 2011 - 18:34
If ScoZen is late to this tale, then I must be
veryyyyyyyyyyyyy late.
You always amaze me, how even when things are
looking bleek, you manage to brighten up the
readers life with your words.
I am also someone who cannot sleep when I have
something going around in my head, so I completely
understand where you're coming from and really
enjoyed reading this.
Jenny.
Arthur Ray | December 16, 2011 - 13:12
You are completely insane. And it makes a brilliant read. Very exciting. I have never read something so quickly. All the words muddling together in my head. Aaaahhh, I sighed when I finished it, what interesting writing.
I left a comment on your comment on my poem It's Always Your Birthday, in case you hadn't noticed.
Speak soon overthetop,
Have fun.