Larry & Mick Get Caught Stalking Tony Robinson

Larry & Mick were amateur archaeologists. This will be news to some, but not to others. It will be news to those who have not read previous Larry & Mick stories pertaining to the fact. If you are one of these people, then shame on you! Either way...
Larry & Mick liked to watch Time Team. But not for its archaeological content.
'Pah!' they would say. 'How can you dig up a 3000 year old fencepost and claim it represents a cornerstone of civilization?'
'Nice pun there, friend Larry.'
'Thank you, friend Mick.'
So no, they did not watch Time Team for its archaeological content.
If they wanted intellectual stimulation, in the manner of old things and descriptions thereof, they preferred to tune in to one of those late night Open University programmes, presented by men with big beards, bad teeth and a penchant for tweed. Or watch anything presented by Dan Cruickshank...
'The man with the outstandingly dapper hats!' they would declare simultaneously whenever his name was mentioned in polite company (but not impolite company, as most impolite people do not know who Dan Cruickshank is and are therefore highly unlikely to mention his name).
So no, they did not ' as previously mentioned ' watch Time Team for its archaeological content.
They watched Time Team for Tony Robinson.
They loved Tony Robinson.
But not in that way.
Tony Robinson was like a father to them.
Or a kindly old uncle who sat them on his knee and offered them sweets and endless cups of syrupy tea (but not that kind of kindly old uncle).
I know what you're thinking...
Why Tony Robinson?
Why Mr I-Will-Always-And-Forever-Be-Known-As-Baldrick-From-Blackadder-Despite-My-Desperate-Attempt-To-Reinvent-Myself-As-A-Serious-Television-Presenter-On-A-Programme-Known-By-Serious-Archaeologists-As-Digging-Up-A-Pile-Of-Old-Tat-As-Quickly-As-Possible-And-Pretending-That-It-Means-Something?
This was the question going round the head of Mick Mastadon, as he and Larry Lampshade crouched behind the rear wheel of a Sinclair C5, parked outside a branch of the YMCA shop, which, they had been informed by their contact, Mr R. would be emerging from any second now.
'Why Tony Robinson?' said Mick.
'Pardon?' said Larry.
'Sorry, did I say that out loud?' said Mick.
'Yes, I believe you did,' said Larry. 'Unless, that is, I can read your mind.'
Why Tony Robinson? ' thought Mick.
'He is like a father to us,' said Larry.
'Pardon?' said Mick.
'Sorry, did I-'
'Here he comes!' said Mick. 'Crouch lower!' he continued (somewhat unrealistically, it has to be said ' have you tried getting two men behind the rear wheel of a Sinclair C5?).
A man emerged from the YMCA shop. He looked vaguely like Tony Robinson. If Tony Robinson was about a foot taller, hand blonde spiky hair, lots of eyeliner and a leather fetish.
Larry & Mick squinted.
'That's not Tony Robinson,' said Mick.
'Yes it is,' said Larry.
'It's Billy Idol,' said Mick.
'It's Tony Robinson in disguise,' said Larry.
'It's Billy Idol with a bag of old board games, Catherine Cookson novels and a pelmet which I'm sure I saw in M&S the other day for £35.'
'That's just what he wants you to think.'
'That's what I do think.'
'Then your thinking is impaired.'
'My thinking is not impaired or compromised in any way.'
'Then you're an idiot.'
'Unfair.'
'He's seen us!'
'Run!'
Larry & Mick ran.
'Fucking stalkers,' said Billy Idol, as he leapt onto his C5, cranked up the stereo and screeched off at 15 m.p.h., whilst singing along to White Wedding and sneering a lot. Like he does.

'That was a close one,' said Mick.
'Whadya mean?' said Larry. 'Tony Robinson got away!'
'It was not Tony Robinson!' said Mick. 'It was the former Generation X frontman-turned-cyberpunk aficionado!'
'You're mistaken.'
'I am not mistaken! It was the man who Spike-from-Buffy-the-Vampire-Slayer based his look on!'
'I might be daft,' said Larry, 'but I'm certain Spike-from-Buffy-the-Vampire-Slayer did not base his look on Tony Robinson.'
'It was the blondiest, spikiest-haired man that ever lived!'
'I've seen spikier.'
'There is none spikier. Billy Idol is the spikiest. Who is spikier than Billy Idol?'
'That man, there.'
'Apart from that man, there.'
'Spike-from-Buffy-the-'
'Never mind. Where next?'
'There.'
'Where?'
'Behind that tree.'
'What's the use of standing behind that tree?'
'Then he won't see us when he comes out of those public toilets.'
'What makes you think he'll be coming out of those public toilets?'
'Because our contact at the Tony Robinson Appreciation Society-'
'Ahh yes, The Contact,' said Mick somewhat doubtfully.
'-has reliably informed me,' said Larry, failing to convincingly feign a state of unperturbedness; 'that our man will be emerging from the public convenience of which we speak at approximately 3.37 p.m.'
'Approximately?'
'Approximately.'
'So what time is it now?'
Larry consulted his watch. '2.28.'
'P.m.?'
'P.m.'
So we've got to stand behind that tree for over an hour...'
'A man prepared is a sausage turned.'
'Sausage turned?'
'Or a farmer's wife unleashed.'
'Unleashed or unhinged?'
'No, that's the cabbage.'
'I thought that was unboiled.'
'No, that's parboiled.'
'You can't parboil a cabbage.'
'You can parboil anything.'
'Even a sausage?'
'Even a sausage.'
'Lead the way then.'
Larry led the way, then Larry & Mick stood behind the tree. And waited.
And waited.
And waited some more.
Until...
'There!' said Larry.
'Where?' said Larry.
'That man, doing up his fly!'
'That's not a man, it's-'
'I am continually impressed by the quality of Mr. Robinson's disguises.'
'But Larry, it's not a disguise, it's-'
'Quick, get out your camera!'
'I can't just take pictures of-'
'Anneka Rice?' said a passing policeman, as he spotted the woman emerging from the loo.
'Anneka Rice!' said Mick, as Larry snatched the camera out of his hand, jumped out from behind the tree and started snapping away.
'Anneka Rice?' said a group of men in anoraks, as they emerged from behind a bench up the road.
'Tony Robinson!' said Larry, as he ran towards the person he perceived to be his surrogate father-slash-kindly uncle, all sense (what there was of it) now dissipating into the ether, then reached out his arms and attempted to embrace the rather startled looking woman who, it has to be said, looked nothing like Anneka Rice and even less like he-who-was-known-as-Baldrick-from-Blackadder. 'Help!' cried the woman who was neither Tony Robinson nor Anneka Rice.
At which point Larry received a sharp blow to the head, which resulted in the state which is known in popular parlance as 'unconsciousness.'

The blow to the head, it turns out, was delivered by the truncheon of the passing policeman. Who, it turns out, was not delivering said blow as a precursor to an arrest, but rather as a means of preventing Larry from delivering his intended embrace to the woman whom he believed to be Tony Robinson. This truncheon-based preventative measure was undertaken in order that said passing policeman may get to the woman whom he believed to be Anneka Rice (that being the same woman whom Larry believed to be Tony Robinson). Because, as it turns out, the passing policeman was, along with the anorak'd men behind the bench up the road, a member of the Anneka Rice Appreciation Society. It also turns out that the passing policeman was not a policeman at all, but merely a man disguised as a policeman, who therefore would not have been able to have performed the arrest which the blow to Larry's head was not a precursor to, even if he had wanted to. Which he didn't. He just wanted to get Larry out of the way. Which he succeeded in doing, but not long after which the woman who was neither Tony Robinson nor Anneka Rice (nor, just as a point of reference, Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, nor indeed the has-been Mancunian yoof TV presenter, Terry Christian), extracted a can of pepper spray from her Gucci handbag and incapacitated not only the passing man-disguised-as-a-policeman, but also Mick (somewhat unfairly), the already unconscious Larry and also the anorak'd members of the Anneka Rice Appreciation Society, who had now swiftly gravitated towards her like iron filings to a magnet.
And.
As it turns out.
The man disguised as a policeman was, in fact...
Can you guess?

.
.
.

Let's just say he used to be known as Baldrick.

.
.
.

'Strewth,' said Larry.
'Mushrooms and Mantovani,' said Mick.
And that was how Larry & Mick got caught stalking Tony Robinson.

[FIN]