Butterfly Kisses

Hi there, Beeme.

This is a very lovely poem;-)

A small point in stanza 2. It can either read

"Wishing they could be more
like an inquisitive butterfly's landing."

or

"Wishing they could be more
like inquisitive butterflies' landings."

As for the last stanza, the only things I would change are 'pass' instead of 'passage', and 'paths' instead of 'pathways' which makes a pleasing rhyme.

Apart from that it is quite beautiful.

Well done;-)

Tina xx

Hi Tina,

I made some adjustments before I spotted your comment to the first and second stanza's. I've now changed the start of the second stanza, do you think it works now? I've just changed 'pathways' to paths and 'passage' to pass, thank you very much for your advise. I'm extremely happy you enjoyed this one :-]

Beeme xx

This has got really good, Beeme...and all in the time it takes me to have my bath;-)

One tiny adjustment to a beautiful poem, and still on the subject of 'butterflies'...stanza 2 just needs an 'an' infront of 'inquisitive'. I.e.

'If they could re-create
an inquisitive butterfly's
landing...'

And the last stanza reads so well now.

Have a peaceful night.

Tina xx

This is a poem of so many wonderful images, love the drunk joyriders greasing bronze skin, olive kisses - the only thing that does not seem to fit is the very last 'bad bits away', just feels like there is a better way of saying this more in keeping with the rest of the poem - but it might just be me Beeme. Really well done. :-)

Hello again Tina,

thanks so much for coming back :] Just added 'an', glad it reads better now :] Thanks again for your help.

Beeme xx

wow, thank you so much Fatboy!:] Your encouraging comment means a lot, especially from such a talented writer as yourself. Extremely glad you enjoyed. I agree about the last lines. Altered now although not sure if this works either.

Beeme xx

Oh I think it does now, Beeme. I think it all works beautifully with the edits.

That's what's so good about this site - we all need an objective view and are prepared to learn from eachother. I know I've asked before when I'm not sure.

Well done you, xx

Awhh thank you so much Seashore :D

Yes, thats what I love about abctales :]

Beeme xx

I think that works brilliantly now - the bone and pain fit nicely and it feels lighter in the right way with the 'lifting'- i'm probably talking absolute guff - and you made be blush to be called talented, most of the time i just feel as though i'm fumbling around in the dark when it comes to writing poems. Well done and enjoy the weekend. :-)

Thank you, I'm glad you think it works now. I think you should believe me- I'm certain I can't be the first person to recognise your talent and I won't be the last :-] No doubt. Enjoy the weekend too :]

Beeme xx

I'm not completely sure about the repetition of 'skin' in the first stanza but the last one is amazingly good.

Rob

I love the red admiral butterfly's too, Really glad you enjoyed Julie :) xx Have a lovely weekend too x

Hi Rob, I agree- I noticed the repetition of skin when editing the poem and knew it jarred but I couldn't think of another word/way to describe, if you have any suggestions feel free to let me know. It would be very helpful. Glad you enjoyed the rest of the poem, especially the last stanza as it took a couple of edits to get just right.

Beeme xx

What about dropping rather than replacing the word? Is it actually needed in the three places? For example (but I'm no poet so please ignore if you want):

Amongst the half shadows
flashes of light travel
across the surface, [or 'my surface']
casting their sultry shade.
Their love-drunk hands
imitating compassion,
navigating
like drunk joy-riders
greasing bronzed
skin.

Rob

new Beeme
What a good poetic poem
colour describable full of colour.
Like it all,especially butterfly kisses
I dream up sun tanned males on a beach
the sun shining.I love butterflies to
The Red Admiral but not many around.
have a good week-end.Well done now see
the cherry! you worked hard at this one
Oh after your lovely poem and butterflies
I had to go and buy butterfly motives colours
get daughter sew on something for me my black skirt
match the guitars and music notes look great. And meter of material black chinese forgotten the word,
all little colouful butterflies over certain way catches the light they shine. The Red Admiral I had a
photo sitting on my table week beautiful colours something I am doing later.
have a good week.Poems a wow now!
julie xx

wow, this was a really smooth/fun read; i read it out loud and it was even better. loved the ending, also. great job!

cheers,

jose.

Hey Rob thank you very much for your suggestion, I've changed the first stanza now. It works so much better :]Thank you!

Beeme xx

Wow,thank you for such a compliment Jose, I'm so happy you enjoyed this one so much! :]

Beeme xx

another lovely butterfly one Beeme xx K

Thank you Kahdai :)

Beeme xx