Sound words

I’ve managed the past year.
Managed to keep sane.
I’ve tried to cope with all that has passed my way
and all that I have prompted
of minor occurrences.
Daily occurrences such as
doing the shopping,
baking my own bread,
preparing meals for my son and I,
house cleaning,
writing emails.
Nothing that should rock the boat
for “ordinary” people.

I’ve managed to keep sane
for a year now.
Now it all seems to tumble.
I seem to have reached my limit.
Again.
It really makes me sad.
I don’t feel sorry for myself.
There is no room for that emotion.
I was on top for a long time.
Riding on the waves of normality.
Maybe
I need to shed responsibility for a while.
It’s just that if I don’t feel responsible for myself
It may lead to drama
and that I do not wish for.
I don’t want to loose myself.
Therefore I write.
I’m hanging on to myself by writing,
hanging on to the normality of words.
Black and white.
I need lines to keep it neat and tidy
Because inside me there is chaos.
Wondering if they are going to drug me again
or what is to happen?
I am wondering if I am to be committed
to leaving responsibility for a while.
To come to the surface,
to pick up where I had left off .

Inside me,
in my mind
there are no short cuts.
My emotions are at my fingertips
Just waiting to be exploited,
hammering away at the keyboard.
A desperate escape from insanity.
My heart is
Devoid of anything but the heartbeat-
My body and brain are on overload
Pacing time with emotions,
too many thoughts
What is my limit?
I’m not going there
if I can avoid it.