Friends With Benefits

I am on one of those sites where they tailor the ads to suit the person, and this one has Hilary’s Blinds in Cambridge, free samples for women (they have a photograph of one boot, but I think they mean you’d get a pair), and a social network for people over fifty. I click on it. I know – that second I do it, I know it’s going to be a mistake. I know whatever’s on that page is going to depress me in one way or another

GOOD THINGS ABOUT BEING OVER FIFTY

1: You can live without sex but not your glasses

Accompanying the text, there's a photograph of a couple smiling broadly. They’re playing bowls. They look about eighty.

Oh god

Quick. Think of something positive. I don’t need glasses. There. Well I do actually – I was told to wear them for reading about five years ago – and I did buy some, but I have no idea where they are – I wore them once or twice but they were so cumbersome – so uncomfortable, I didn’t bother after that. Instead, I screw my eyes up – try to guess what labels say – ask other people if there’s anyone around. The thing I hate most is not being able to read in bed – not comfortably, like I used to, losing myself for hours. Glasses won’t fix that though. They felt so alien - it was impossible to concentrate. I’ve been thinking lately of getting an ipad and putting books on that. On my phone I can make a little sweeping gesture with my fingers and the font instantly gets bigger. If I could do that on a larger screen – a book shaped screen, with a backlight, perhaps that would be the solution.

So – I can definitely live without glasses. I think I’ve proved that over the years. And I probably could do the same with sex– only the thing is, I don’t want to – and an ipad, despite being really clever and versatile – the best, most innovative device since the iphone – well I just don’t see how it can find a workaround for sex.

My cleaner is the same age as me, and each week, I make her coffee and she tells me about the men she meets. There are millions of them– they are literally falling at her feet - queuing up. When I ask her where she finds them, she gives me this look and then she says, “plenty of fish”.

I have no idea what she’s on about, I say “What?” and instead of explaining she just repeats it another four or five times, “...plenty of fish – plenty of fish.” Like a parrot. I say “Jackie I don’t know what you’re talking about” and finally she says it’s a website – a dating one – that’s where she finds them all. ,

“…Mind you .. it’s full of the wrong kind of men...” She gives me another look

“You mean married ones?” I wish she’d just say what she means, rather than doing this guessing game thing, it takes so much longer.

“Friends with benefits.”

“What?”

She repeats it and I’m just about to give up and pretend I have something urgent to do outside the house – some appointment – when it turns out she means people who just want to have sex – nothing else. She means fuckbuddies! I had no idea we had a different name for it. I was talking to Marnie about fuckbuddies the other day and she uses the American version too – or maybe it’s the middle class version. I have no idea. I’m not sure what it says about us as a nation either. Friends with benefits sounds slightly less … I don’t know – less like something you’d get as a free gift from your local garage. Don’t forget to pick up your free fuckbuddy – collect the set.

So – I don’t think I want that. Sex with just anyone isn’t what I’m looking for. And the idea of trawling through the internet doesn’t thrill me either. When she’s gone, I google her site and it’s depressingly full of men who are clearly lying about their age – either that or they’ve led unbelievably hard lives – to look that much older than they say they are. They all seem to have a huge list of hobbies and interests – it sounds exhausting.

The idea of selling myself is daunting: I don’t think I’m a very good catch – what would I put? Spendthrift, lazy, immature, quite anti-social, enjoys class A drugs, loud music and reading (that’s not a lie – I will enjoy it again when I get my ipad). Smokes. Interests also include wearing unsuitable clothes, doing irresponsible things on a whim, and writing stories. I’m not sure where else one meets people though. Maybe I’ll give it a go. See what happens.