Dear Santa...

I’m writin’ you a letter
jus’ like I did last year
and I fought, I had better
make it early, just for fear

that you would get confused, ya sap
an I’d end up like before
with loads of dolls and uvver crap
that should’ve gone next door.

I ‘ave to say, I weren’t impressed
that Christmas morning day
cos I never would have guessed
what games you’d brought to play.

I started wiv the biggest one -
which was obviously, me bike -
but when the wrappin’ was undone
I fought; what are ya like?

I stood a while an looked at it;
it really made me blink.
I had to ask, what kind of tit
brings boys, a bike that’s pink?

Anyone can make mistakes;
my dad does now and then
but even he said two ‘Fuck sakes’
for ‘Barbie’ and for ‘Ken’

I dunno if you fink I’m queer
or if it was a joke;
when Barbie said ‘I love you dear!’
I fought I’d fuckin’ choke!

Just then, our neighbour, Sally’s mum
come in, to see me dad
I heard her mumble, ‘drunken scum’
Cor blimey, she was mad

Then she patted me and said,
‘That Santa’s such a fool;
you’ve got Sally’s stuff instead!’
but she had mine; so...cool!

We swapped ‘em and I got me gear;
it ended up alright.
If I was you, I’d stay well clear
of Sal’s mum, Christmas night.

Mum’s warned dad, I heard her say
‘No beer, next Christmas eve!’
Instead; we’re goin’ to church to pray
wiv Sally’s old man, Steve.

Please don’t fink I’m bein’ rude
but this year, on your calls
if I get dolls again, your screwed
cos mum will have your balls!

P.S. Your only gettin’ milk this year, mum’s locked up the whiskey!