Not in Kentucky

No, but they still shag their sisters.

State of Kentucky Residency Application Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (last) (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_) Farmer (_) Mechanic (_) Hair Dresser (_) Un-employed Spouse's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) __ Total number of vehicles you own __ Number of vehicles that still crank __ Number of vehicles in front yard __ Number of vehicles in back yard __ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_ Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The National Enquirer (_) The Globe (_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest (_) Rifle and Shotgun ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know OK, I copied and pasted, but I it's funny

...and I liked these too..... Some Kentuckians were setting up a naivity scene for Christmas Eve church services. The minister walked by and said, "That nativity scene looks pretty good, but why are the three wise men wearing firefighters' hats?" "Don't you know nothin' about the Bible?" one of the Kentuckians asked. "Scripture says, 'The wise men came from AFAR!'" Two Kentuckians were talking to each other the other day, and one asked the other, “Where are you going to college?” “Yale.” “WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO COLLEGE?”

...and I liked these too..... Some Kentuckians were setting up a nativity scene for Christmas Eve church services. The minister walked by and said, "That nativity scene looks pretty good, but why are the three wise men wearing firefighters' hats?" "Don't you know nothin' about the Bible?" one of the Kentuckians asked. "Scripture says, 'The wise men came from AFAR!'" Two Kentuckians were talking to each other the other day, and one asked the other, “Where are you going to college?” “Yale.” “WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO COLLEGE?” [%sig%]

...and the one about the Essex man who who couldn't work the "Post" button properly.

My geography is terrible - does Mississippi run through Kentucky?

No, he generally strolls...

:o)

I was thinking AFTER a Vindaloo...

Alright...I give up. I'm gonna have to break out the Brit Joke Book.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Redneck Medical Terms Benign..........................What you be after you be eight. Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria. Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section..........A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan........................Searching for Kitty. Cauterize......................Made eye contact with her. Colic............................A sheep dog. Coma...........................A punctuation mark. D&C............................Where Washington is. Dilate...........................To live long. Enema..........................Not a friend. Fester...........................Quicker than someone else. Fibula...........................A small lie. G.I.Series....................World Series of military baseball. Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on. Impotent......................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff................A Doctor's cane. Morbid........................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates. Node...........................I knew it. Outpatient...................A person who has fainted. Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test. Pelvis...........................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative.............A letter carrier. Recovery Room...........Place to do upholstery. Rectum.......................Damn near killed him. Secretion.....................Hiding something Seizure........................Roman emperor. Tablet.........................A small table. Terminal Illness...........Getting sick at the airport. Tumor........................More than one. Urine..........................Opposite of mine. Varicose......................Near by/close by

You left out "Rat-Cheer" I got your joke...rat cheer.....

I think I just weed myself laughing...

I didn't know that was actually possible.

After two children, anything's possible...

LOL, flash :o)

*TIPS FOR REDNECKS * GENERAL 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive The U- Haul to the funeral home. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money. 3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say " Monday ". If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say " yes " to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in your sights. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too. 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

I tried to find a joke book on Great Britain but couldn't. It turns out, nobody there has a sense of humor. I was arrested for smuggling books into Kentucky. I got off though, nobody could prove they were books.

Christ. I grew up with these people. No wonder I moved.

You Know You're a Redneck When..... You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. You burn your yard rather than mow it. You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial. You come back from the dump with more than you took. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list. You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You've bathed with flea and tick soap. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. You have a rag for a gas cap. You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. You can spit without opening your mouth. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV. You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler. You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?" You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

Er, Flash. Sagittarians are known for overdoing it sometimes. We get the picture, k, sweetie? lol

hahaha. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date... If fly fishing - tell her to be careful with the zip ;o)

Do Rednecks originate from South Wales?

Awwwwww!! I've got 15 more pages to cut and paste.

I'm sure they originate from only one couple: either a father/daughter, or a mother/son. Somewhere in the world.

This is a true one.... We were at a dinner party in the mountains a few weeks back. After dinner, all the guys were out back in the woods, just shoot'n the breeze and pissing on the trees (too much wine and beer...ya know). So, when we get back in the house, the women are all laughing at us. It seemed there was a bet amongst them that we'd all end up pissing on the trees before we came in. It's a guy thing, when in the woods, you have to piss on a tree.

Women aren't quite so good at aiming...maybe that's why it's a guy thing.

Yeah, they can't write their names in the snow or anything...

Plus a group of them pissing on a tree would look ridiculous.

That's a bizarre image.... "Just what do you ladies think you're doing?"

It would make a popular video...

And that would be the ONLY reason why I'd like to have a penis: to piss on a tree or write my name in the snow.

Appreciating the odour of one's own wind is another male only kinda thing. Unless AG can tell us something different.

*whistles tunelessly and looks vaguely at the ceiling...*

Really!!!!!! Blimey!!!!! Well i never.

Only reason? Really...you mean you would ever play with it?

Broccoli ones are the best...

Nah. I'd get someone else to do that.

*whistles tunelessly and looks vaguely at the ceiling...*

A woman with a dick is one of the scariest images imaginable AG...so i can't imagine any volunteers here....oh sorry apparently i'm wrong, theres one there.

Personally, I'd prefer a woman had a dick rather than a knife.

A dick in the hand is worth two in the bush. So they say.

I thought you would be scared Flash :o) However, I took it that she meant she would get someone else - who had a penis - if she wanted to play with one.

Actually, you're both slightly right. I was thinking, IF I were a man, AND I had an appendage, THEN I would rather someone else play with it. See?

I would have said the opposite, Ag, but then I don't have a bush. No doubt I will now be accused of screwing the shrubbery.

Dick Cheney? Now come on what was his wife thinking when she married him? Where is Missi tonight?

He's probably watching and taking notes....I think he lurks and waits until the right moment to pounce.

We have noted a startling silence coming from the land of Mississippi. Doubtless, some will be pleased...;-)

He may just be fed up with the rest of us. He'll turn up.

This seems about the right time, now that Mykle has mentioned the notion of having a fanny.