Scotland's unfriendlies.

Scotland were booed off Hampden Park on Saturday night. Japan outplayed us and scored in the last ten minutes to win 1—0. Team captain, Andy Robertson told fans to get a grip. After all, Japan also hammered England 1—0 at Wembley. That kinda cheers us up. One team’s woes are another team’s honey. Italy, after all, went into national mourning, after failing to qualify for the third World Cup on the bounce. The Republic of Ireland and Wales both went out in a penalty shootout at the semi-final stage. Denmark also miss the World Cup, losing on penalties to the Czechs. Scotland’s miraculous victory against Denmark to win the group and take us directly into the finals might make you believe that some footballing god, up there—and beyond Fifa guidelines—likes us.

Scotland’s team is in a word—pish. Already we’re getting geared up for automatic qualification from the group if we beat Haiti. My knowledge of Haiti comes from Live and Let Die. Roger Moore as James Bond has never looked as wooden. There would be little doubt that team manager Steve Clarke would play him as centre-half in place of Grant Hanley, who can’t get a game with Hibs. If he wanted the team to look good he’d have Jane Seymour on the bench. We need all the Medicine Women we can get.

If you look at our goal keepers that encapsulate the problem we have with the team. Craig Gordon is injured. That’s probably because he’s about 55 and reserve keeper with Hearts (whom I hope win the Scottish league, but only if Celtic fail—as they will—to win six-in-a-row). Angus Gunn has played a bit of a game for Nottingham Forrest this season. He has grown a beard so people will remember him. Liam Kelly is reserve keeper for Rangers. He has one or two caps, depending how you count them, which is more than he’s played for Rangers since moving from Motherwell. Scott Bain has more Scotland caps than he has played for Celtic. He was understudy to Vasilis Barkas whose time as Celtic is remembered as fondly as manager, Wilfrid Nancy. Since moving to Falkirk Bain has become a first-team player. He admits he thought his international career was over as he was 34.

World class doesn’t spring to mind. Scotland does not have any world-class players. Some are competent. I’d include John McGinn and Scott McTominay. Scotland captain, Andy Robertson, is reserve left-back to Liverpool. He’s been linked with my club, Celtic. I don’t want him. We’ve already got Kieran Tierney. Celtic’s problems have been well documented—by me, week in and week out—but if we signed Scotland’s regular centre-forward Lyndon Dykes, who has 50 Scotland caps (despite being English) then calls for sacking the board would be even more justified.

Scotland’s great hope is an ex-Celtic youngster, who went to Liverpool, couldn’t get into their team and we transferred to Bournemouth. Ryan Christie plays for Bournemouth, but not every week. Ben Doak is injured. He rarely starts for Bournemouth. His pace is his saving grace. It gets Scotland up the pitch. With so few weapons, Steve Clarke takes what he can get.

Steve Clarke is a pragmatist. He took us to the Euros. We were soundly beaten in the opening game and failed to entertain would be like calling a Page 3 girl overdressed. Scotland’s record in friendlies is much worse than in real international matches such as Euros or World Cup ties. Clarke had done a good enough job. After the World Cup he’s been linked with Celtic. Hmmm? Let’s see how he does, but I guess no is the answer.

Japan outplayed and beat us. Ivory Coast outplayed and beat us, but the African nation was playing at home in Liverpool. I’m not sure how that works. Perhaps Jane Seymour might know?  We were on the march was Ally’s Army 1978. I was disappointed we didn’t win it. I guess this time I’ll be delighted if we win a game—starting with Haiti.

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