"Somebody Gonna Get Hurt Real bad..." by Russell Peters

So I was watching T.V. with my dad the other day, and there was a parade. Not any parade, this was a gay pride parade. Not just any gay pride parade; this was an Indian gay pride parade. So we're watching the T.V. and all of a sudden, these three gay Indian guys come on the screen and say "HEYY. VEE ARE INDIAN AND VE'RE GEYY! VE REPRESENT THE GEY SOUTH ASIAN COMMUNITY!" My dad looks at me, and says "that is disgusting....do you know them?" i say, "dad, how the hell am i supposed to know them"
he responds, "because they are of the gay, and you are in the entertainment business.."
Then he started to get really mad at them. It didn't really bother me, it was a gay pride parade, and well....they were being proud and gay...so my dad started getting really irritated and went on, saying "this is wrong, our men should not be gay...INDIAN MEN SHOULD NOT BE GAY.." i says to the guy, "dad, there's a population crisis over there, we could use a couple of gay indians...." I love it when people concern themselves with stuff thats never gonna affect their life in any way whatsoever. Its true, because I have bigger things to worry about than a same-sex marriage, I have to worry about an arranged marriage.
My mom gave me this deal last year, she was like "russell.....you're getting older...and you're not married.........why don't i bring some nice girls home for you?" i said, "mom i bring nice girls home all the time....they just leave in the morning.." "no no, i will pick some girls and you can choose.." are you out of your mind??? let my mom pick my wife?? i wouldn't let my mom pick my clothes...can you imagine this? my mom walking in with this morbidly obese brown girl, "i know she's a little big now...but you'll grow into her.."
What would be really wild is same sex, arragned marriages....indian family finds out their kid is gay at an early age
"vee must find him a nice boy...someone with a good family...and a big closet..."
i guess my mom's pulling all this marriage crap because i've been travelling alot
I was in south africa last month. South Africa was wild, because when i got off the plane, I saw Indian people....not one or two...MILLIONS of them. I soon found out that Indian people have been there for generations....longer than white people have been in canada.....well its true. I then found out that Indian people were brought to south africa as slaves..Who the hell uses an Indian slave??? Do i look physically ready to do hard labor?? Give me a calculator...I'll do your taxes for you...We'd make pretty crappy slaves. Can you imagine how pissed off the first slave owner was?
"Alright Raj, here's what you're gonna do...get in that field, and pick that cotton."
"no....NO....no....I can't do it...I can't do it...I have hurt my back......Let me tell you what ve'll do...okay?....you...pick the cotton....and I...vill get the tee-shirts made....and TOOGETHER...ve'll wholesale it!"
Indian people just aren't cooperative. I guess that stems from how cheap we are.
Im serious, we're the cheapest race to ever inhabit this world. People say Jewish people are cheap, but Jews aren't necessarily cheap; they just know when to spend money. A jewish guy could be at a department store, "yeah well...it seems like good material. Here's my money." Whereas an Indian guy would be like "i dont know...i can probably get this made for four dollars..." and while your not looking he takes a knife out and rips it, "how much now?, its ripped..I don't buy ripped shirts.."
My dad's so good at being cheap, he can convince you that you're wrong.
We were at a bar the other day, and he ordered a beer. The waitress showed up, and said, "Sir, thats 4.50" my dad reached in his pocket and said, "okay...here's three" and she just stood there like, "sir, what about the other 1.50?" he responded, "don't worry about it...." at this point, she thought my dad was retarded, and said, "no..sir you owe me 1.50" my dad looks her square in the eye and said, "i owe you, you owe me...its all the same.. go ahead don't be so cheap.."
I'm gonna let out a little secret, brown people, I'm sorry, non-brown people listen up. We know when you're making fun of our accent. We know it's not the coolest accent, you never see two Indian men standing around saying "hey man...aren't vee...cool? Don't we sound REALLY hip? Ve're going to meet all the bitches tonight..."
"Im Peemping!" We know its limitations. We know it isn't cool...for getting women...you don't see an indian guy saying "hullo baby..." But it is good for cutting tension. Picture a serious court room drama. "your honor...my client..VOOD LIKE TO PLEED GUILTY!"
Pop in the accent tension's gone. My dad's starting to thing he doesn't have an accent. There was this ad in the greensheet for a couch, so my father called. It turned out to be some eastern european lady. The conversation went like this. "uh..hullo...i am calling about your couch..."
- "eh...heillo..."
"hullo, I vant to purchase your couch..."
- "eh..heillo"
"okay...i have said hello twice...I VOULD LIKE TO PURCHASE YOUR COUCH..."
- "eh...no english..."
"THEN WHY DID YOU ANSWER THE BLOODY PHONE?! DON'T COME TO MY COUNTRY IF YOU CAN'T SPEAK THE LANGUAGE!"
he looked at me, nodded in disapproval and said, "immigrants..."
i said, "dad, you're an immigrant..."
"HEY..you watch vhat you say to me...or somebody gonna get a hurt real bad..."
That was my dad's threat while growing up.
Funny story about the threat. Growing up in a multicultural society, I was friends with children of many races. We soon found out that other races idea of corporal punishment were completely different from the Indian idea of it.
I found this out at age 10 when i went to my friend Brian's house after school.
We walk in, and his mom yells "brian, go clean your room."
brian responds, "fuck you bitch!"
and his mom just stands there chuckling, "what am I gonna do with him?"
i said, "brian you can't say that to your mom..."
- "yes i can, she's a jackass!"
"Don't say that dude, she'll hit you"
- "she's not allowed to.."
"but, my parents hit me all the time"
- "well next time they do, you tell them to....fuck off!"
"are you sure?
- "Trust me...it works for me..."
So i went home...for the last time.
dad: Russell...come and do the dishes..
me: screw you dad....
dad: Vhat the hell did you say to me? Do i look like brian's mom??
Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad...
My dad would always use that threat on me...I hated it. He'd always say "somebody"
He'd give me this false hope, that there was someone else to hurt..I was in the back saying "man, i hope its my brother..."
"Somebody gonna get hurt real bad....somebody...i'm not going to say who...Oh i think you know him very well.."
So i go back to school the next day
"Yo brian, your plan almost got me killed...
- "oh yeah man, i forgot...phone children's aid...it'll scare the crap out of them...you don't even have to call...just pretend..."
I thought that was pretty weird, 10 years old and he already knew how to scare the life out of his parents. So i was getting another ass whooping, and when my dad said the magic words, "Somebody gonna get hurt real bad..."
I exclaimed, "DON'T DO IT...I'll phone children's aid..."
have you ever had your parents call your bluff?
"you'll do what??"
"I'll phone children's aid.."
"ohhh....vell let me get you the phone mr. tough guy..."
"wha-what are you doing...if i call YOU're gonna get in trouble..."
"I might get into a little bit of trouble...but i know...it takes them 23 minutes to get here, and in that time...Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad..."