Avoiding your neighbours

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Thu, 2003-05-29 00:39

In Stations of the Heart by Eddie Gibbons, there is a poem called 'www.coma'

It is quite short and sums up modern life. A guy/gal spends hours on the internet, really connecting with people then, later on, leaves the pub to avoid his/her neighbours.

Now, I've been popping in and out of a pub in my town for several years and have lately had saturday lunch there with my wife having left a fridge at home for the kids to eat.

Two weeks ago I was horrified to see, in the reflection of a glass covered painting, my neighbour stroll in. "Wotchya Deano" said the loud mouthed painted woman precariously perched on a bar stool. Deano max factored in on her position and proceeded to bore everyone within earshot with his tales of pot planting. Tomatoes.

His ugly wife and ugly grandchild then arrived and joined in with the ugly speak.

We left, unobserved, still chewing our fescue.

Another pub on the 'x' list.

Please, bear in mind here that I do not dislike my neighbour and his family for their ugliness. Oh no. After all, ugly is only skin deep. I detest them for their old fashioned ways, their street appearance (matching shell suits hefting carrier bags, like pollen laden bumble bees returning to the hive), their incessant droning accents as they talk 'at' one another.

Recently, someone who I hadn't seen for quite some time said "I hear you live next door to Dean". The grin on his face said it all. He used to work with the bloke and knew all about him, told me how smelly he was - I had never got that close - what a complete jerk he was.

And so, on bank holiday monday I drove to the second nearest supermarket, the nearest being old fashioned and losing profits by being closed, whilst Mrs Stormy and Outfit went for some shopping therapy.

As I entered the car park I was shocked to see my bumblebee neighbours walking towards the store entrance. Faced with the prospect of having to engage them with conversation - for we were bound to meet at some time in the ailes - or ignoring them completely, I chose the brave route and drove ten miles to Tesco's.

And no, I did not have my Tesco card with ne for we do not shop there anymore. Normally.

I managed to arrive home and stash my twenty mile round trip goodies before Outfit and her mother arrived home. Unfortunately, Outfit's mother spotted a Tesco bag in the bin and I am still living down my explanation.

So, to what lengths have you gone in order to avoid your feckin neighbours?

Fri, 2003-05-30 23:29

Liana

I wouldnt mind living next door to you Storms. It would save me a fortune in text messages on Eurovision night alone.

Fri, 2003-05-30 00:08

stormy_petrel

Yeah well, in return, I know they despise me. They hate the fact the state of my house devalues their's. (They have tried and failed to sell several times in recent years) They hate the fact that we do not listen to their advice - queue Harry Enfield character. They hate the fact that, if I do get cornered in the fresh fruit aisle, I will do a Karl-like 'awight' only to spend the next 20 mins resisting the urge to say 'go feck off you boring bastards' and it is written on my face despite the fake smile. I hate the fact he reported me to the environment agency when I had my house shotblasted. And he knocked on my door that night, having clearly been at the pub, to tell me, in a neighbourly way, that someone had it in for me. I love the fact that I instructed the contractor to carry on and ignore the silly farker. I love the fact the E.A told him he didn't have a leg to stand on. Eight years later, I still wonder if it was my neighbour who pissed through my letter box one night at 2 AM two years ago or who shat in my drive the year before that. Might have been his wife, of course, but, judging the size of her, I doubt she could have performed the letter box feat. Now, given the real life scenario, one from which you cannot escape by simply index finger clicking the left button, I sometimes wonder why so much bile is vomited on this forum.

Fri, 2003-05-30 00:41

skydolphin

One of my favorite hobbies is avoiding my neighbours, one of my biggest goals is that they will start avoiding me too..

Fri, 2003-05-30 03:21

Jay

Stormy looks like your own index finger clicking left button has just added to the bile vomiting you seem to know so much about...

Fri, 2003-05-30 06:27

sabelle

It's because some people think that just because we lie next door to them, we should be friends. I've seen so many times when these relationships go sour, that I would rather say hello and goodbye if they insist & keep going. A mile or nod would be even better. Failure to notice we're on the same planet would be the best thing all round.

Fri, 2003-05-30 07:24

Liana

My neighbours are lovely... on one side is a french woman (i know, contradiction in terms) and her english teacher husband.. they have two great kids, same age as mine. On the other side is an old couple with a big vegetable garden. The younger couple moved in at the same time as us, and me and xandrine established early on that we were both quite private people who didnt want to be traipsing in and out each others houses... but we do chat over the fence,and the kids play together. The older couple are great too... he's been round to cut my hedge, and is nice to my kids when the ball goes over the hedge (even when it lands in his vege's) At my last house, on one side the neighbour wore a wig. leered a lot and had a horrific barnsley acent that he shouted a lot at his leittle bird like wife in. On the other side were a 19 year old couple, who were given the house for free by his dad. They shagged a lot, noisily, and had parties til 5 in the morning.. once when i asked him if he could please turn the music down (i had a week old baby at the time) i thought he was going to hit me. So I'm lucky now....

Fri, 2003-05-30 08:45

mississippi

So you didn't have a DNA test done on the piss or the turd Colin?

Fri, 2003-05-30 09:36

sabelle

That is lucky. On one side my neighbours are not too bad. The kids do want to traipse through my house which is irritating. On the other side is an elderly couple and the wife keeps telling me how she was best friends with the woman who lived there before. She keeps hinting that I should give her a spare set and asking how we're decorating & that she'd love to what we've done to the house. Bloody irritating.

Fri, 2003-05-30 09:53

#10

ely whitley

Not only do I think it's very important to keep the idea of 'good neighbours' alive and well in this country but I see it as basic common sense to try and get on with them. I've lived here for just three months now and get on with both sides already. Favours have been done and invites to bbq's etc. You don't have to marry these people but developing your neighbourly skills isn't that hard and can prove invaluable. (stormy's experience should be a lesson to us all). It's important that you are perceived by both sides asa a big thug-like-but-nice person with two large dogs but who's willing to do favours and get on with everybody. Just in case it goes wrong and you need to threaten anyone or shoot a pet/relative of theirs

Thu, 2003-05-29 00:49

#11

Karl Wiggins

I've certainly never driven 20 miles to avoid pointing my chin and saying, "Alright?" in the fresh fruit aisle.

Thu, 2003-05-29 00:52

#12

sabelle

I once went to Oxford Street, having left my car in a convenient place. Got on the bus, then saw a dreaded neighbour at the front of the bus. I cowered at the back while the bus took me miles away from my car and I was wearing the most uncomfortable shoes. Of course the neighbour had to get off at the last stop, which meant I was nearer to my home than the car. To make matters worse, I went to my Dad's house, begged my dad to drive me back to where the car was - which he wasn't pleased about. I have also pretended that I forgot my glasses (had contact lenses in!) to avoid neighbours. I keep telling people, I live in London so that I don't have to speak to the neighbours if I don't want to. They can be a damn nuisance. I sympathise. I wish I wasn't such a coward

Thu, 2003-05-29 00:54

#13

stormy_petrel

*hides behind the bananas*

Fri, 2003-05-30 11:46

#14

Spag fans unite...

I love Neighbours and would never avoid such a culturally stimulating programme.

Thu, 2003-05-29 01:01

#15

A. Hitler

I alvays find invadink zem to be einen gute idea nein?

Thu, 2003-05-29 01:22

#16

Elfyn

I kinda know what you mean, Stormy. I've got terrible neighbours (Semi-dettached thank God! one half is nice. :-) who who play music at gone 3am, don't give us our mail when it goes to them by accident (it's a house and a small flat; A & B,) because the postman is obviously illiterate and let their smoke alarm, which is one hell of a loud bugger, just go an go an...you get the picture. *deep breaths* I've never gone 10 miles or jumped on a bus to avoid them, tho' . ;-)

Thu, 2003-05-29 01:29

#17

Karl Wiggins

Which half of your neighbour is nice, Elf? Does she perhaps have nice legs, while the top half of her keeps your mail and plays her smoke alarm too loud?

Thu, 2003-05-29 01:33

#18

Elfyn

LOL! No, she's a nice lady of the "older generation"..Hmmm haven;t checked her legs, though..Hmmm

Fri, 2003-05-30 14:30

#19

mississippi

I'd like to stimulate the culture living next door to me. With a pickaxe handle.

Thu, 2003-05-29 02:54

#20

Jay

Just wondering if you ever see yourselves as neighbours see you just wondering how shocked you would feel...

Thu, 2003-05-29 06:09

#21

sabelle

True Jay I probably seen as that nasty woman who never speaks & is always noisy when football's on!! Good point

Sat, 2003-05-31 13:30

#22

fecky

I have a neighbour who tried to get close to me by driving his bloody big Volvo through my front garden wall then refusing to pay for it. All was settled amicably when I took him to court. We're still the best of enemies. :-)

Thu, 2003-05-29 08:15

#23

mississippi

Oh, I've got this one sorted Colin, I told 'em to deal with their barking dog, and when they didn't made a formal complaint to the local Environmental Health officer in Chelmsford. They no longer borrow our lawnmower, invite us to barbecues, accost us in the street or send Christmas cards. The dog's gone and they all blank us. Brilliant! Now all I have to deal with is the village school the other side, perhaps if I complain about all the screaming kids and awful mothers that return every morning, suitably shell-suited or legginned, to deliver them into the hands of the educators, the Environmental Health Dept. might close it down.

Thu, 2003-05-29 10:23

#24

Karl Wiggins

That's a good point, Jay. We have these neighbours who avoid us. We invited them round for drinks once and he sat nursing one bottle of beer all night while I got steadily merrier. Their kid is just as unintresting, squealing in the garden all the time and playing with toy trains, while our little boy of the same age never seems to have a ball (basketball/football/volleyball or privates) out of his hands. Our avoidance came to a head when he wasn't invited to their kids birthday party. Recently when I saw them in the street, I said to the kid, "Hello David," and he ignored me, which he always does. I said to his mum, "He's quiet today," and she replied, "He is with some people." Cheeky cow. I think our whole family is just too boisterous for them.

Thu, 2003-05-29 11:10

#25

mississippi

Sometimes I get soooo boisterous I fall over.

Sat, 2003-05-31 16:18

#26

sabelle

Once agsain I apologise to my neighb ours They took my younger 2 & I had an afternoon of R & R.

Fri, 2003-05-30 21:54

#27

Em1977

No-one has had neighbours as awful as the ones I have lived next door to in the past... Ooer that was one bad sentence!

Fri, 2003-05-30 23:09

#28

stormy_petrel

Jay, that's two pops you've had at me in this thread. Perhaps you are misunderstanding. I started this thread to say, in what I thought a humourous manner, "Look what a a stupid prat I am." I mean, most people would simply enter the supermarket and hope to avoid people they do not like. Not me. I ran away. My second post may have sounded bilious but the point I made at the end was to wonder why people get so upset with one another online, spitting and hissing and name calling, when, by a simple click you can ignore them. I cannot click my neighbours off. My other neighbour is not so bad although she does have two dogs. She isn't as nice as Mrs. Cameron, her predecessor, who had a delightful Scots highland accent and was one of the nicest people I have ever met. Sadly she died at the age of eighty four last year.

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