Joke for Mississippi

Two Mississippians were having the special at their favorite watering hole when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a possum burger too fast. The first Mississippian said to the other, "Think we otta' help?" "Yep" said the second Mississippian. The first Mississippian got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin Yew breathe?" She shook her head no. "Kin you speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no. With that he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and started licking her butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction. And began to breathe with a great sigh of relief. The first Mississippian turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a from Mississippi . The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu". The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu. The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the Mississippian top that? The clock started again and the man from Mississippi sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited: Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

A Mississippi farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man!" So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkin' going on." The college guy says, "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine." And the Mississippi farmer adds, "There is also going to be a lot of fightin' so I hope you are ready." So the college guy responds, "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape." "One more thing," says the farmer. "Did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?" "Far out!" says the college guy. "I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?" The farmer says, "I don't care,... it's just going to be me and you."

MISSISSIPPI PERSONAL HYGIENE Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods. Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are. Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa. If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes. DATING (Outside the Family) Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago." If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration. Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation. WEDDINGS Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

This is all brilliant Karl. Keep it coming.

I know I'm putting myself in the frame here, but I can't resist sharing this with you. http://www.maineiac.com/mississippi/application.html

*ouch*

Sorry, I'm on a roll now: A Mississippi woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Mississippi arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck. The Mississippi woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mississippi woodpecker was in awe. The Texas woodpecker then challenged the Mississippi woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully. The Mississippi woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Texas the Mississippi woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers are now confused. How is it that the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree and the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state? After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

The one I remember from years ago goes on forever but the basic gist is sex education by father to son that is along the lines: Hang an apple on a string from one ear, a pea from your nose and push a stick of chalk up your bum. Then it's "hit the pea, miss the apple, hit the pea, miss the apple, hit the pea, miss the apple and write MISSISSIPPI on the blackboard.

Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?" "Jus' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?" "Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them." "OK. Ummmmm . . . five?"

STATE MOTTO'S Alabama: Sisters Make Good Wives or At Least We're not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong! Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water Florida: Drugs-R-Us or Ask Us About Our Grandkids Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money) Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not.. But The Potatoes sure are real good Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S" Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets) Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians Minnesota: "10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes" Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work Montana: Sheep Make Good Wives Too or Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies and Very Little Else Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest Nevada: Whores and Poker! New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone New Jersey: Ya Wanna ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here! New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney... North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States! Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota Tennessee: The Educashun State Texas: YEE HAWWWWW! or Si Hablo Ing les (Yes, I speak English) Utah: Olympics and Scandal or Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus Vermont: Yep Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix? Washington: Help! We're overrun by nerds and slackards Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor? West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really! Wisconsin: Eat Cheese or Die or Come Cut Our Cheese Wyoming: Wynot?

How do you know when you're staying in a Mississippi hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in the sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead." How can you tell if a Mississippi redneck is married? There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck. Where was the toothbrush invented? Mississippi. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush. Mississippi State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on the freeway. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "Bout what?" A new law recently passed in Mississippi: When a couple gets divorced, they're still legally brother and sister.

I reckon you got a real easy job Karl or else you could be the boss, there's me thinking missi was your mate...

You don't think that Karl is a little bored today, do you Jay? Maybe we should have another thread about why Karl is bored. :) iceman

Here's one I like: In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek. (1) The blonde thought - "That French @!#$ wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face" (2) The fat lady thought - "This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him". (3) The Frenchman thought - "Zat furcking Engleeshman put eez ‘and on zat blonde and by mistake she slapped me". (4) The Englishman thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French twat again".

...Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State... Tee hee....

That is not funny Andrea!

I repeat: Tee hee. It was the 'come' wot got me. Sorry Missus, couldn't resist it... *hangs head in shame*

As a big fan of slack-jawed yocals, and all things even remotely Deep South and Texan, I would like to thank Karl for giving me the best laugh I've had all day.