daft instructions on consumer goods

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Sun, 2001-11-11 17:08

My friend just e-mailed this to me, I thought it was funny:-

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
Stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

1. On Sears's hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the
only
time I have to work on my hair)

2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside." (Evidently, the shoplifter special)

3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that
would be how...?)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But
it's *just* a suggestion)

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn
upside down." (DOH! too late!)

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating."
(As night follows day...)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But
wouldn't this save even more time?)

8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce
the
rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds
with
head colds off those forklifts)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope)

10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use
only."
(As opposed to what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I
gotta admit, I'm curious.)

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." (NEWS FLASH)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)

14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this
one.)

15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands
or genitals." (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? Good
grief.)

16. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food."
(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's okay honey just grab the Palmolive!)

17. On a tube of Crest Toothpaste: "If swallowed contact poison
control."
(Oh please. Have you ever heard of someone dying from swallowing a
little
toothpaste?)

18. On a bottle of ALL laundry detergent: "Remove clothing before
distributing in washing machine." (Hey no more swimming in the washing
machine kids.)

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Does anybody have anymore?

Fri, 2001-11-16 00:00

Eve

Funky, you are very funny! Was sure I'd seen something equally stupid recently but, typically, can't remember now. Although, on cigarette packets thesedays we're warned they're "For Adult Use Only", a rule I had to enforce when I found my 2 year old cousin puffing away merrily. He argued quite forcibly that he needed them to calm his nerves, I quote: "You try sitting on a plastic pot for three hours being forced to do a shite when you don't need one and see if YOU don't need a fag, ya bitch" Also makes them sound like they're a sex toy, I thought. Maybe that's just me.................

Tue, 2001-11-13 22:19

fey

when where I work started being open all night, out the back they put up notices saying "SAVE MONEY: DO YOU REALLY NEED THIS LIGHT ON?"

Sun, 2001-11-11 17:16

Linsi

Excellent!!!!

Sun, 2001-11-11 17:22

Andrea

...especially the chain saw one... Mind you, I could think of a few....no! stop it! *reaches for bromide*

Fri, 2001-11-16 10:33

Andrea

Gawd, they grow up fast these days...

Sun, 2001-11-11 17:42

Primate

We recently got a new ice machine at work and the troubleshooting section of the manual was this one line: "If in doubt, refer to the Italian section of this manual." Very helpful that one.

Tue, 2001-11-13 23:13

mississippi

On fireworks, 'light blue touchpaper and retire'. I've been lighting the bloody things for 40 yrs and I'm STILL working!

Sun, 2001-11-11 18:45

justyn_thyme

I the U.S. there is a running joke about the little manufacturers labels that are attached to all mattresses. The label just lists the type of fabric and filing used, any fireproofing, etc etc. The humorous thing is that everone of these labels has written on it in big bold letters: REMOVAL OF THIS LABEL IS A CRIMINAL OFFENSE. YOU MAY BE PROSECUTED TO THE FULL EXTENT OF THE LAW. I think the idea is that the label must not be removed prior to selling the mattress for the first time as a new mattress. This much makes sense. However.......

Wed, 2001-11-14 01:20

#10

martin_t

tattoos and ear piercing.....while u wait.....?

Mon, 2001-11-12 09:24

#11

John L

Brilliant. LaL. (Laughed a Lot). Not exactly the same, I admit but in Bridgnorth there are two little shops - an art shop and a joke shop - that share a common doorway. As I passed by the other day there was a sign on the door saying: 'Closed today due to bereavement. Joke shop still open.' Is it just me who finds this funny in a Salvador Dali kind of way?

Wed, 2001-11-14 08:01

#12

justyn_thyme

Professional Drycleaning: *ahem* as if someone would take up drycleaning as a hobby: hey George, let's say you and I get a six pack and some sandwiches, go down into the basement, and DRYCLEAN A FEW SUITS tonight! Yowzah, some fun, eh? I also like the instructions, in several languages no less, for operating the toilet paper dispenser in the loo on the trains: Tear Down, Pull Up. Accurate enought, I guess, but were those directions really necessary?

Mon, 2001-11-12 14:20

#13

Roy

No, that's funny, mate. Talking about nuts, my missus has just this morning taken delivery of a nutcake-thingy for garden birds. This also has a "warning - contains nuts" notice on it. Now a) The meanest intelligence might be expected to work out that a chunk of solid nut might somehow contain nuts. b) This is not intended for human consumption, and c) Very few, if any, garden birds have ever been known to be literate. (I'll excuse seagulls and petrels, for obvious reasons.) Also - if you look, every single item of frozen food you buy, and others come to that, show the product on a plate with the proviso "serving suggestion" just in case you were thinking of eating it off the floor, or the cat. Seems that, for legal reasons, manufacturers have got to state the most obvious banalities to avoid getting sued - was it MacDonald's who got done recently because their coffee was too hot?

Mon, 2001-11-12 17:27

#14

beef

I had some mosquito spray once to stop me getting bitten which had 'warning! This product may be harmful to fish!' in large letters on the label. Can fish be bitten by mosquitos?...

Mon, 2001-11-12 17:48

#15

fish

*quivers*

Mon, 2001-11-12 19:19

#16

Andrea

Fish can be bitten by ANYTHING...

Tue, 2001-11-13 01:03

#17

stormy_petrel

is NOT a garden bird... ..but according to some dictionaries is a harbinger of doom. you have been warned. I like the ones where the serving suggestion shows the tin contents emptied into a bowl. also things like firelighters that say DANGER INFLAMMABLE!!

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