Desert Island Dicks

If youall will let me come as well I'll plant some crops, and tend them. We'll have vegies to eat and cotton to make our clothes. In return you can teach me how to spell and where to put my commas. uppercase

purple nail varnish.. and an orange skirt.... an ORANGE skirt.. Darling, there are some standards that must be upheld... even on a desert island.

At least the skirt would be waterproof...

*crosses jaballen off christmas card list*

Okay, okay...the lifeboat is green. That goes better with purple, right?

In a Piggy reference, we can use the various bald-headed members of the community to reflect the sun's rays onto our signal fire, which it is important that we don't let go out. "You got to clear out, " said Samneric urgently, "Mark Brown.. he sharpened a pencil at both ends"

Hey, Andrew, leave my head alone!

Why on earth would I want a conch shell? I'd be forging a relationship with a stranded Japanese junker pilot and help him build a two-man raft, a la 'Hell in the Pacific'

...I ain't doin' no ne's laundry...grrrrr

I could organise debaiting society.

debaiting. is that a freudian typo?

No Robert, it was my weak attempt at humour.

we would need some kind of condom ... can't allow the island population to rise (unless you see it as a form of food production) ... who could we use ... off to think a bit

bagsy me for getting eaten first. *looks innocent*

dont eat stormy 1. he is very skinny 2. he can build things

I'll be the one responsible for building the ladders, from tree branches, drift wood etc. With the right tools I could produce two good ladders a day, 60 in a month.

Why the hell would we need 60 ladders a month? I shall tend the veggie garden...

i am not much good at anything but would make a right few good meals *slaps big ars.e*

I'll sit around all day and be waited on as tend to think at my age have done enough of that for so many others in my life time its my turn now and because nobody will want to do that I suspect I will be the one to get eaten first...

Has Stormy brought his record player, if so, that cauldron still looks to have his name on it... We must keep Ralph, because there will be someone who knows him on any passing private jet, and they will then come down to rescue us. I think if we can come up with a way of eating sarcasm, our larder will never be empty, but otherwise I fear for us all. Particularly me, as I don't eat fish and no fruit except hard green apples. If we had 60 ladders a month, we could lash them together and make a bridge!

I would want to eat the ****** who was flying our plane first. Am I right?

We'll need Karl to fend off the natives. Creek End will catch seals for us but we'll have to fight him to get to eat them. Wolfie (where is wolfie?) will bond with the local wildlife and we can lift the odd one for the pot when she isn't looking. Elfyn will do everyone's laundry (I'll explain another day) David Floyd will be reasonable and silly at the same time but missi will put the conch shell where the sun doesn't shine.. Steve Gardiner will be a tree with exotic fruit in his luminous shirt and will capture monkeys so that we can eat their brains. Henstoat will scream and scream until he gets the conch shell - and then when he gets it he'll give it straight to someone else.

*Fade in: Bird's eye view of a deserted island shaped like a martini glass. Ocean waves and an occasional sea gull sound in the distance. *Camera zeroes in on the island, zooming along the beach and passing over a group of grubby and obviously ship-wrecked people. The sound of waves and sea gulls grows louder. In the background, the instrumental version of "Under the Boardwalk" plays, in minor key. *Switch to close-up of a fire made of driftwood, cardboard, and empty cigarette boxes. The sound of people eating greedily -- smacking, chomping, etc. -- replaces the ocean waves. *A bone, possibly a human ulna or fibula, flies into the frame and lands on the fire. The camera pans in the direction from which the bone came. *Camera lands on a pair of dirty feet, the toenails bearing the remnants of purple nail polish. Camera continues panning upwards, revealing tattered clothing -- or possibly a skirt made out of the orange rubber of a lifeboat -- and stops on a filthy name tag which reads: "Hi! My name is...LIANA." *Camera reaches character/Liana's face. Her eyes are vacant as she swallows and burps lightly. "Tastes like chicken," she says...

(Sorry, Liana, I had to pick somebody... :)