advice please ...
Wed, 2003-10-22 15:30
#1
advice please ...
i have a horrible situation here at home and wondered if the good lunatics of abc might offer some sterling advice as ever ..
a couple of months ago one of my teenage son's friends was homeless and the son asked if we could put him up for a while so he could find somewhere to live ... i said yes as i dont like to think of a kid out on the streets or whatever ...
however ... despite numerous promises the kid (who works full time at maccy d's) has not stumped up any dosh or contributed in any way to the running of the house except for once or twice doing a small amount of tidying up ...
i had a big talk to the kid in question told him he was taking the piss and that i would give him a week to get somewhere else to live ... as i didnt want to just hurl him out ...
this was three weeks ago ... and despite also making more promises to pay some housekeeping he hasnt and he hasnt moved out ... whilst i appreciate it isnt easy for this kid ... neither is it easy for me when i am trying to feed my family on not much money and really cant afford another mouth to feed...
what should i do? i want the son whose friend it is to assume some responsibility for the situation as i asked him to make sure the lad had moved on by the time i got back from cornwall and he is still here ...
i dont want to be an evil grown up chucking a kid onto the street ... altho he DOES have a home with his parents tho he says he would rather be homeless than live back there ...
but equally i dont want to be a mug for a freeloader ...
what do you think???
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Ralph
Blimey Fish.
I would contact his parents and tell them the situation.
You are a good old bird for putting up with that.
Ralph
Rachel
Yuk. Not a nice situation. How old is this kid? Do you know his parents or could you find a way of contacting them? I think you've been more than generous already so, although I appreciate that you don't want to chuck him on the street (is it really likely that he'd have no-where else to go?) you have to put your foot down and say, right, you have 24 hours to either find somewhere else to go or go back to your parents. I'm sure his folks can't be that bad. Don't let it go any further! When I was younger my brother did this and the guy ended up living with us and making life nasty for 3 years - not that I want to put you off or anything....
lexy
Know your enemy- if he's running from parental overkill, try parental simulation BIG TIME! Establish ground rules in there thousands, smother him with reason, explain everything in graphic detail, peppered with emotional manipulation.
Maintain his submission with fines restrict his freedom, cashflow, and status. Serve vegatables and salad with every meal and hourly lectures on the ramifacations of unhealthy eating. Manoeuvre sermons on safe sex at every opportunity. Ferry him everywhere borrow a Skoda, a Wartburg or two up on the nearest tandem you can find. Wear slippers, never swear, always ask, 'insist' on a translation of buzzwords and then teenage speak to his acquaintances with lipstick on your teeth and the insinuation you're one of the crowd. Haunt his place of work, search his bedroom, borrow his cd's, wear his T -shirts, empathise with his girlfriend. Gone!
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Mark Brown
Going on a slightly similar experience of my own, the only thing you can do is to point out very forcibly just who the house belongs to while offering to provide help for the person to find alternative lodgings.
People will tend to come to a rest when their immediate problems are solved, even if the place they come to rest is wildly inappropriate and damaging to themselves and others.
It seems kid in question has shunted you into role of parent, whether you like it or not. And when you're a teenager the role of parent is understood to stand for someone who has the role of providing, and who will do so no matter what.
Also point out that kindness is dependant on situation. Charity does not. You are not a charity, you did him a kindness to help him through a difficult time. You are not there to provide for him forever.
Sadly, it's one of those ones where you will feel like an ogre no matter what you do. In my own similar situation I paced and smoked and tore my chest apart before getting things moving.
fish
hahahahahahahhahaa
will try it on my own ... cheers lex
Tony Cook
Been here and got the T shirt.
I tried everything. Talked to the kid, got my boy to talk to the kid, talked long and hard to son and he agreed his mate was acting like a s**t.
I then talked to loads of others of the son's mates and they all agreed with me.
They talked to the lad but still no dosh and no movement.
I was about to give him an ultimatum but by then things had got unpleasant and I thought if I said 'Ok, 24 hours and then out forcibly', he'd just nick loads of stuff and disappear.
So I got all his stuff together, put it on the doorstep and changed the locks. It was drastic and I felt awful but the kid moved in with another mate, got himself a job, now has his own flat and when I met him in the street a couple of months ago he apologised for behaving so badly and thanked me for giving him the kick up the a**e that made him get his act together.
Tough love!
Mark Brown
Sadly, in situations like this you have to balance looking after your own flock and saving the world... To have taken the kid in in the first place you must be one of those people who wishes they had the power to save everyone in the world.
I reckon that often looking after your own can qualify you for sainthood, and anything you can do on top is a bonus.
d.beswetherick
Yes, stuff on the doorstep is definitely the way to. Do it in the morning so that he has all day to fix himself up. Adolescent boys are often paralysed into inaction, and we do them a favour when we make their minds up for them. If you're nervous about doing this, get some other adults round to back you up. (A non-violent but bloody-minded male friend is probably the best back-up for a thing like this, sexist though it might be to say so. Do you know any bouncers.)
Obviously, do this only after fair warning about exactly when it's going to take place.
d.beswetherick.
andrew pack
Tricky one this. You've given him fair warning - he's had three weeks. It would be different if he was paying you as much as he could afford, but he's giving you nothing. If he works full-time, even on a McJob, he's got to be earning eighty quid a week plus, with no bills to pay. He could easily give you thirty, which would be way less than renting somewhere.
The whole eviction thing can be very tricky if you go through the law, so I would be minded to just end his licence to stay at your house i.e by telling him he's moving out and he can either do it with the assistance of your two burly mates in five minutes flat or over the course of the next two days. If you are minded to give him the chance to stay I'd want to set the rent, ask for four weeks in advance and make him set up a standing order.
He has somewhere to go, he has the money to rent somewhere. You are not being an evil parent, he is taking the piss. If this was one of YOUR mates you'd have given him the boot by now.
fish
thanks folks ...
i will tackle with some back up ... belongings on doorstep sounds good ...
the prob with this is how it makes me feel unkind ... not kind as i did feel in the first place ... now i want to shoot this kid not prevent him from being homeless ...
i am not nice after all ...
Flash
Tell him you've spoken to a couple of chaps from Corby,that'll make him skitter his drawers.
Flash
No perhaps not. Bad idea.
d.beswetherick
Just one chap from Corby.
fish
one would be plenty ...
andrew pack
Is this the town where they make those trouser-presses?
fish
right ... spurred on by your advice and encouragements i have this morning barged into my son's bedroom and announced to the lodger that he is out of here today and that he has taken the piss too long ... ok ok he said ...
i embraced my angry evil side and later i shall telephone his parents and tell them what has been going on ...
my very large brother is coming later to make sure the ejection has been successful ...
now i can concentrate on really important matters ... such as how to get the last 5 minipops ...
Flash
Impressive tactics and strategy, stunningly applied.Barging into a teenage males bedroom early n the morning very brave indeed.
The Corby Hood salute you.
fish
yeah flash you have to use the element of surprise and get them at their weakest ... they are the enemy and have to be quashed ...
i used that well known combative stratagy of whipping off the duvet and beating the soles of the feet ... (my son's not the lodger's)
and now ... i have got ALL the minipops right
BWAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAA ...
Tony Cook
Good luck - and stay in until he's gone to make sure he doesn't whip off with the Fish family silver. Sorry to be dramatic but it's the teenager's classic revenge modus operandi. they don't want the stuff, they just want to kick back and that's the easiest thing to do. It's all a cry for attention really! Poor kid, he'll get his act together in the end.
you are doing the right thing!
mississippi
It's very sad that what started out as a humanitarian gesture to someone worse off than you ended up making you feel bad about yourself, even if it is only a temporary state of affairs.