Shame lisah

"Tears almost but not quite forming." I have a small problem with this line in that it is repetitive Tears almost forming OR Tears not quite forming. Would in my opinion read better. the way it stands is a bit like putting unecessary adjectives that mean the same thing side by side eg. 'dazzling bright' , 'vast expanse' and so on. the same really applies to 'I’m late to work I have things to do' Only one of these lines is needed. 'root gnarled' - the word gnarled is a bit overused when writing about trees or old people so I might suggest you look for something else. Lisa, I quite like the idea behind the poem and I like the first stanza but overall it feels too much like trying to make a general point. I think I'd try and stick with the image of the man crossing the road and lose I’m amazed they’ve let him out Even though he’s got a helper My tax pound paying To delay my own journey I think you're trying to tell the reader too much and what to think and don't leave them with much to work out themselves. Mind you I am a member of Ambiguity Anonymous so remember, it is only a suggestion!

Agree with Jude about those four lines. It's a show and tell thing. It doesn't really make sense to have four lines telling the reader directly more or less everything you're showing them in the rest of the poem. Also, agree with Jude on tears and lateness. Generally, I think this needs a bit more attention to detail in the language. For example, you can't 'stop the temptation'. A temptation is either there or it isn't, you can either give in to it or resist it. So this bit: "I stamp on the brakes To stop the temptation Of jumping forwards" doesn't make sense. Like Jude, I think it would be better without 'gnarled' but I think it could do more developed metaphor and imagery in other areas. For example: "His feet are bent the wrong ways" is ok but would have more impact if the image was likened to something.

Thanks for the comments and crits. Much appreciated. I would like to defend *Tears almost but not quite forming* This is to me, well it is too show her emotion that she couldn't let out on the street. So she was almost crying, but not allowing them form. The work and late sentiments are two different thoughts, ones that many people can hopefully understand. A: the need to be on time for work. B: the many things we need to do in our life, how can we do so much if little old and crippled people take away a few moments... I can see the point with gnarled, will look for an alternative. Also on the temptation bit. On re-reading above, it's not up to much Jude, this: I’m amazed they’ve let him out Even though he’s got a helper My tax pound paying To delay my own journey has to stay, it's the heart of what I was trying to say. I wanted to make a statement that some youngish people, with too much to do and not enough time, can't stand the thought of the elderly, the costs, etc. Most of us will be old and needy, or crippled. I know when that times comes for me, I will notice some of the youger generation sneering at me, like I shouldn't be there. The bit with his feet could become more, the scene is strong in my mind, it should play more heavily in the poem. Thanks again for the time and effort for crit. Will go back to the keyboard now...

"Jude, this: I’m amazed they’ve let him out Even though he’s got a helper My tax pound paying To delay my own journey has to stay, it's the heart of what I was trying to say." I don't either myself or Jude were suggesting that this wasn't at the heart of what you're trying to say. The point is that this point is - already to some extent and with stronger imagery possibly to a greater extent - made by the thoughts and images in the rest of the poem. You don't need to tell the reader what you're already showing them. That's the difference (or at least a key difference) between communicating something through a poem and writing a letter to the local paper or calling a radio phone-in.

Thanks, I take that as a compliment. I have a difficulty judging when I've said too little, or told too much. I sway one way or the other. One day, I might find the balance. Lisa