Bowling Maidens

*complaint from long grass is that grass is too long and people in long grass didn't get good view of Tartin_M mooning*

...stands on the umpires shoulders... "does my bum look big on this ? "

* That was from every Molesworth book written - I have the complete compendium * I love 'em. Full teams: Gardiner Jnr. Hox Fish Viv Richards Skool Dog Iceman Cometh Shane Warne Blacksmith Ari Martin t FPD versus Romulus Remus Labienus Cotta wh auden Poetry in Motion John Cooper Clarke Frank Zappa Fingers Middle Stump Heavy Roller

*raises finger to check air movement* *begins lengthy run up* *stops as first belly loosens. tache peels away one side* chiz *waves at bashfully mum*

(i must find those books again, whizz for atomz was my fave) *drinks iced tea slowly waiting to see what happens next*

*mistakes Martin's bum for screen*

I'm afraid my boss can't post at the moment...he can't get his @!#$ through the door...

i dont know if i want to bowl or sit in the longer grass the other side of the boundary in my crocheted bikini ... i am always gutted when the knitting season is over ...

i MEAN of course ... sitting on a tartan car rug in the grass ...

Can I be in charge of teas, Hox? Apparently teas are a very important part of cricket. I much prefer cricket to football (not saying much, I know), mainly because of the commentary. They just blather on about utter nonsense for hours on end, and are quite entertaining.

I've lost my box...

i'll bowl! who's batting?

Unfortunately rain stopped play this afternoon. After a lengthy pitch inspection play will resume immediatley. Can someone give me middle and leg?

Box? You were lucky to have a box. When I were a lad we 'ad to make do wi' tupperware and velcro.

I'll just get padded up.

I used to be 'wickie' but in my old age I think I'm only good for long stop - at least I'll be near Fish in the grass. Steve chucking down googlies. Hox is letting them all go by. Could be a long game.

*gets teas ready* What sort of cakes do you all want?

6 overs gone. I am 48 not out. Tony has dissappeared into the long grass. I hear the thwack of willow on leather, which is odd as we've stopped for drinks.........

fish: is it something to do with the way you walk when first wearing it that makes a bikini crotch - eted? as in, "Ooh, these bottoms are a bit loose round the old 'beetle bonnet', I need to crotchet them in a bit before I go to the cricket" (mince, mince, mince up and down the living room for a bit) ."....aah, like a glove!" [just like the man with 5 willies, his underpants fitted like a glove]

Chocolate sponge please ari. Just a large slice.

I'm looking for my lost ball.

i think ely's at silly mid off ...

Who's bloody ball is this? I just fished it out of what's left of my greenhouse. I was just talking to my tomatoes too, I could have been killed.

that's not a cricket ball FPD ... hoxtoneye has just been out in the sun for a while ... oh hang on it might be tony cook ...

I was told they were small....

*aims inswinger at fish*

But we need him at silly mid-on! If there is such a position in cricket? My involvement with cricket doesn't extend much past occasionally washing older brother's cricket whites.

Are you bowling now hox? Goes in to pad up. Twiddles bat. Feels like Alec Stewart. Sorry, I'll rephrase that.

...found my box...now want a googly...bring it on...

*has heard about hox's aim* *isn't unduly worried*

hands fish his helmet...just in case

Hang on, the village blacksmith is coming in to bowl. He's already had six pints, his face is bright red, his eyes are popping out, his nostrils are flaring and he's starting his run up from inside the pavilion. Here he comes, pounding across the sward. Batsman hox looks nervous, his box has slipped...

....and hox declares the innings at 632 for 6 (phew) Poets turn to bat...

They wander lonely as a cloud... Hello sky, hello trees sa fotherington thomas for he is a wet and a fule.

Is that rain?

Ice strides on to the wicket still pulling on his gloves, muttering darkly poetry so inflammable it has to be kept in a cool place. Faces first ball and knocks it for six. Next four balls go in the pavilion, FPD's greenhouse, the Pavilion and the duck pond. All sixes. Iceman mutters that its a bit like base ball, and sends next ball into a swimming pool adjoining the club. It begins to rain slowly.

Rain? No its tears of shame from the heavens staining our murky soils... Aaahh the poets... Got to round them up first: Some are over there traipsing over the daisies in yonder field. Others bent over in despair decrying their broken hearts.. These ones gesticulating angrily at the trees.. Oh there is one knitting tea cosies furiously by the sidelines.. my kind of poet. *Goes to join Ely before being prompted to do so*

The poets in slips look cute don't they? Can I change position? I'm feeling daft standing at silly point.

I've cunningly subsituted the ball for a comedy lookalike explosive that will blow up in the face of the next batsman. That'll teach those greenhouse smashers.

Do we have an umpire?

Makes a sliding tackle and slices ball away just ahead of stumps.. *I like this cricket game*

Well, I enjoyed the tea break, although those drop scones were a bit crumbly Fish. Back to the game: do you think the new server will take spin?

No, it will be as slow as John Arlott's delivery. I'd like Fish to show us her bouncers though.... Ralph

Indeed we do. In fac we have two. They are friends of mine. They are large and they play packed if you know what I mean. "'Ow Izzzz 'eee?" can take on a whole new meaning. Large cheques made out to ABCtales Foundation can have a wonderful effect upon their temper. They hold the key to your bails.

They sound a bit menacing to me

why am i batting at no.10 ? with my skill at dealing with bouncers, googlys, and pace.... pads up anyway...doesn't think it'll be too long before 9 are down

They're down. You're in. It can all be arranged so quickly. * opposing skipper is potted rubbing dirt on to one side of the ball and picking at seam with nail * Can our man cut the mustard? Can anyone cut mustard?

no pressure then 1 for 9....walks out purposefully towards the wicket...stops and waves to the crowd...they're expecting a lot of the brave little soldier.... asks them to move the screen...left a bit...right in bit...thanks... the screen is now right in front of him.... sits down and eats some jaffa cakes

Full moon Half moon Martin moons complaints from long grass.

*adopts fake merv hughes tache* ok. i'm ready. hang on - have we started? who made today's cake? jonners is looking very green... *straps on fake shane warne bellies...*