Australia is a country, a short arsed continent and now a movie! Baz Luhmann’s (2008) epic Australia, starring Nicole Kidman as Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman as ‘The Drover’. Epic means, of course, it takes a longer time to get to Australia, than watch the actual movie, give or take the odd 15 or 16 hours. I didn’t have that kind of time frame, so I watched the first half hour before the ad break on Film 4. Australia had a cartoon feel as if it was written on the hoof. It begins with a written warning, onscreen, that Aboriginal or Torres Island people may find the film distressing. I’m from Clydebank and I found it distressing. In fact I’m emotionally traumatised. I’m suing.