celticman's blog

Nobody believed me when I said I’d a hole in my denim pocket and lost £10 million last week. It’s quite a nice number. It’s not eleven million which sounds pretentious or nine million which has that mingy, could do better, feel about it. Ten million is spot on. Billionaires are like Nazis always wanting to bring order out of chaos. But they are never unreasonable about it. It’s all about EFFICIENCY. I’ve used capitals to show it’s a big word...

Ajax has the better of the chances, hit the outside of the post in the opening spell, they had more of the ball and a big Lasse scored their goal with twenty seconds to go. Yet Celtic won 2-1, a massive result in terms of keeping their interest in progressing in the tournament or even getting a Europa league parachute spot for third place. De Boar, the ex-Ranger’s player and Ajax manager was particularly scathing. ‘Eight out of ten times the...

There was a wonderful moment in Out There when Stephen Fry accused one of the key proponents of ‘rebarbative therapy’ of being very ‘metrosexual’. But our metrosexual friend had the power of numbers as evidence that his theory worked. He explained that a third of his client base were homosexual –because of parenting issues, with Freudian overtones—and were too damaged to change their perspective. A third were treatable, by him or others like him...

It’s all over and Eng-er-land are going to Brazil. I had a choice of watching Scotland playing a friendly against Croatia or England playing Poland. I was helped by the fact Scotland are on pay-TV and England are on ITV, or council telly. I think we should support our councils. This was a brilliant, open and attacking game, with goals from Rooney and Gerard at the end of the first and second half settling it. But if you want to know how tight it...

On Channel 4 there is Diary of a Teenage Virgin. Masters of Sex is also on Channel 4, but I think that’s a drama. They also have Dogs: Their Secret Lives. I don’t know what that’s about, but I can guess. I’m getting sick of sex and always thought of Stephen Fry as being particularly sexless, an animated manikin with a voice designed by Harrods. No programme about homosexuality (or celebrity drug or alcohol addiction) can be shown on British...

As usual I’ve come to this series late, just as Bernard Manning’s shouting last orders in the Wheeltappers and Shunter’s Club, the third out of four episodes, but it doesn’t really matter. I’ll tell you a secret—I was there. My younger self looks over my shoulder as I write and whispers ‘you plonker, it wasn’t like that, it was like this?’ So what if there was a monetary crisis and Britain had to obtain a $2 billion dollar bailout from the IMF,...

I might as well throw in a couple of quotes to show my classical credential (of which I’ve none) and to show that I wasn’t just gawping at other peoples’ misery. Wordsworth claimed that sight was the most despotic of the senses. We all had these kinds of conversations when we were younger: What would you do if…? You were blind? We were always gagging to kill ourselves for having spots, ginger hair, ears that were too big or a nose that blotted...

The Ottomans: Europe’s Muslim Emperors BBC 2 11.20pm. Produced and directed by Gillian Bancroft and presented by Rageh Ommar this is, I suppose the equivalent of BBC saying we’ve done the Jews (Simon Schama The Story of the Jews) now I suppose we better do the Muslims. The latter had Simon Schama doing everything: writing, directing, appearing on camera, twiddling the funny bone, the former has Rageh Ommar and you know what, and this shouldn’t...

I take my cues directly from God. On a Sunday, apart from reading the papers and watching highlights of the football, I don’t do anything. There’s no shame in this, unless you’re unemployed and part of the feckless poor in which case every day is Sunday and, according to Cameronian conventional wisdom, you should be led to the stocks and pilloried with the left-over fruit of the rich man’s banquet. Some are born great. Some achieve greatness...

The cover asks ‘Your daughter says she was raped. But the man she’s accused was her boyfriend. WHAT WOULD YOU DO?’ My inevitable answer is DON’T READ THIS BOOK! The back pages tell me she is the UK’s number one fiction writer for woman. I thought it was Barbara Cartland, but there is a kind of glory in not knowing. I admit it. I’m a book snob. I’ve tried writing. I should know better. I give The Tenth Circle a few pages. They don’t really grab...