Freedom

I think people say that I'm going to hell for some of these things. I'm not sure of my exact crime, I have quite a few I suppose

Sometimes you can feel your eyes start to glaze over while you are working, or your limbs feel that bit heavier and less willing to get up in the mornings. Or when you are around people that constantly with their words deface everything you stand for without them even knowing you can't say a thing. You feel like you want to speak up. But that's not how it goes.

You want to argue back, put up a fight, tell them how wrong they are. But you can't. And so you journey home with a bruised sense of self and maybe in a bad mood. If you are lucky, you'll forget. You'll go on around the same people, in the same life, not perturbed in the slightest. Sometimes you don't forget though. Sometimes it's hard to forget. Jagged words that dig into your memories. And they'll never know.

Maybe I'm the wrong person to talk about this. But I don't think anybody else would be able to interpret these thoughts onto paper. Because I wouldn't be able to tell them.

I feel like a liar, because I keep secrets. I lie everyday, in some respects.
I feel like a failure because sometimes I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings. And I don't want to know why I feel this way.
I feel like a junkie, because I still crave things from my past that I shouldn't understand. But thing is, I can crave them without understanding them.
I feel like I'm weak because things can break me down, things like jagged words.

Am I damned from the start? Because I have done these things, because I have realised I have my own life to live? I'm not on a path of self-destruction (at least, not anymore). I'm just trying to live my own life freely. Trying to make my own choices.
But I'm still lying to them. Friends, family, myself sometimes.

I know I don't have to understand myself completely. I could spend most of my life trying to unravel every chain of thought or the reasons that certain things can still trigger feelings I try to surpress. But I do understand one thing. I would be freer, hell, everyone would be freer if they could speak out to the world. What they really think, how they really feel. It's hard to love a world that's going to downgrade you if you admit the truth.
I want to live an equal existance. So I don't advertise.

Stereotypes, prejudices, bitterness and bile... they're only going to cause sorrow in the end.