Shyness Criminally Vulgar

A year ago or so I started writing some sort of journal about my life. I thought it would be easy to recall old memories, almost like writing a summary about a movie or something. I probably wrote about forty pages or something but the journal thing got all retarded and I started mixing things. Well in the end I didn't really like the way I was writing it and stuff. I just liked the name of it. I guess. So I’m guessing i'll name this thing the same; Shyness Criminally Vulgar. Shyness; well I can be a bit shy sometimes, maybe the name doesn't apply to me, maybe or maybe not but I don't know. I really liked it plus that line is part of a Smiths song: How Soon is Now. I don't know why when I hear that song I think of my cousin Julio. He's gay, but I don't mean it in a bad way. I mean I think that song somehow refers to gay people because it says something about "I am human and I need to be loved just like everybody else does". I just love that line and I agree with it. We all have the right. Anyways the reason why I decided to start this thing all over was because I wanted it to be random as hell. Well I am a pretty random person too. You probably want to know my name and stuff like that. Well my name's Maricarmen it’s a hellavu long name. I don't like it much, so people usually call me either Mari or Carmen. At work mostly everyone knows me by Carmen; they don't know my full name. I sometimes do tell them my full name but that’s only when I feel like it or something and only to some customers. It can get annoying sometimes, that’s why I just say I'm Carmen. Just so if you're wondering I work at this one sort of liquor store. I don't really know what it is; they call it a 99cent store, and the owners call it a market. I'm guessing it’s a little bit of everything. Things are quite expensive there sometimes. They mostly sell cigarettes, Alcohol and detergent because there's a laundry mat next door. Sometimes the customers do their laundry at that laundry mat and they buy beer. I'm guessing they get tired and stuff or thirsty. It gets hell busy Saturday morning. Everybody is doing laundry. Even so early they go and buy beer. I do my laundry there sometimes too mainly on Fridays cuz I don't go to school in the morning. I go buy energy drinks there all the time because I’m not old enough to buy beer or anything. Plus I look pretty young, I look like around 15 or so but I’m 19. I had never tried buying cigarettes there. I know they wouldn't card me though because I work there and all. If I didn't work there, they would probably card me. They would ask my age and then laugh if I told them I was 19 because I don't look 19. And then I would have to walk home and get my ID. Then I would walk back and buy cigarettes and they would be surprised to find that I am truly 19 and all. I get surprised there when kids go and try to buy cigarettes because half of the time they look young as hell. Sometimes I don't know what to do when they want to buy cigarettes so I would probably understand the Cashier if they asked me for ID. Sometimes the most random people go there and buy stuff. People who I’d never thought I’d talk to or even meet. I'm hella friendly though, too friendly at work. But not lately, I’ve been in a hell mood and worst of all you can tell when I am. I can be pretty bitchy at times. But I guess I’ve been moody cuz I have a lot of stuff in my mind that don't let me be. I like that phrase. Don't let me be. I remember my friend Adri wrote me a letter once and she used it and I fell in love with that phrase. I'm just random. I miss my friend Adri; it’s been a while since I talked to her. Well she gave me a buzz yesterday but it was quite awkward. No kidding. I never thought it would be so awkward but it was and I didn't like it much. So I’m probably going to go see her sometime this week. Well i'll tell yah about it later or something. Anyways, I didn't really want to write much about my life because there are a lot of things, so i'll probably just write random things and some things if I can remember them. I'll try to remember them. I'll really try. Sometimes I Think either too hard or too much and I end up getting a mean-Oh headache. I'm just weird; sometimes I’m the type of person that gets really lazy and stuff. I start writing and stick to it for a while then I get hella lazy. I remember I’ve tried writing stuff about life and stuff like three times or so but then I get bored and I never finish it. I never finish anything. I get all excited when I start something like right now. I'm all excited and stuff to be writing this but then I get all lazy. It drives me nuts sometimes and even though I think about it and I’m pretty aware of my laziness I still don't finish things. I think that’s one of my worst habits. I procrastinate way too much. It’s the same thing with my artworks; I think I have about two paintings that I haven't finished because I’m just a lazy person. I feel like a guy sometimes because guys are lazy and all. Except for my dad. He's not that lazy, he gets all hysterical when we're lazy especially when my brother doesn't want to do stuff. But my brother Tony doesn't listen so then my dad ends up doing the work and stuff. It drives me nuts every time stuff like that happens because my dad's old and all and he's supposed to be resting or something because he works way too hard. Well he's not that old but still I mean he works way too hard. I don't remember a lot of things because I think I have a short term memory or something. I don't know I forget things quickly. I know I don't have short term memory but I just like saying I do so that way I can get away with things. Like they lady from work she's always telling me stories and stuff and sometimes she tells me the same story the whole week. I still laugh because it's pretty hilarious when she tells me but I don't want to be rude and say that she already told me and stuff. She's a really nice lady and all. She says she has short term memory and we just laugh about it. I believe her though. She's really pretty though, she's Korean. She's really slim and stuff for her age and she has this nice haircut really short and always wears her glasses on her head. She always complains though saying that she was never pretty and stuff. I think she was pretty when she was young but she denies it. Then she brings up her sister saying that her sister was really pretty. But maybe she's living under her sister's shadow. That drives me nuts sometimes. I mean when people tell other people that they're pretty they should just accept it and stuff. Especially girls, I mean when someone says you're pretty even if you think you are not just play along with it or at least say thanks or something. I'm like that too, when someone calls me pretty or something I get all retarded and shy and stuff. I know I’m not pretty or anything but I just say thanks. Sometimes I don't say thanks though cuz then they'll probably think I’m conceited or something. But I’m not. Ha. I'm not pretty to tell you the truth; I wear these rectangular glasses at work that make me look like some teacher. I have really small eyes. Sometimes I look Asian but I’m not Asian though. I used to be pretty chubby when I was around 15 or so, I’m still chubby but not as much as I used to be. I'm not obsessed with my weight like my friend Ricky. He's really funny. He's I think 16 years old but he surely does things 25 year old people do. I won't say much about him and his life because he gets all touchy when people talk about him and stuff. But he's like my little brother only that he's way taller than me. I know him since I was in fourth or third grade. We used to play together all the time. I remember once we pretended we were cheerleaders from this one movie Bring it on. It was hilarious. Then I don't know what happened and we stopped talking to each other for a while till like 11th grade of high school that we started talking again and stuff. Then everything went back to normal and stuff. And then we both wanted to lose weight and we started running weekday nights at the park. I live in front of a park, it’s really not that great of a park but you can kill time there sometimes when it’s not that crowded and stuff.
I don't go the park that much though; the last time I actually hung out there was when I started hanging out with Leo. I like the park at night and when it’s foggy. It looks so spooky and all. Sort of reminds me of The Exorcist or something. I remember we used to have mud fights when we were small. Well I only had one mud fight with my brother Tony and Julio. After that one mud fight they didn't let me play with them anymore because the said I was too little and all. I hate when they exclude you from things just because you are small and all. Like when you go to the fair or something and you got to be a certain height and age to get on the freaking ride. Then sometimes you wait a hellavu long time in line for nothing. Like the first time I went to Knots and I wanted to get on this big ride but they didn't let me ride it because I was too short and stuff. It drives me nuts. Then you have to go to lame rides for little kids which aren't even that exciting. Now I understand why kids throw up and stuff. I mean all there is to rides for little kids is a wheel that just spins or something, or a freaking spinning cup. What's so fun about spinning anyway? Well it yeah it is fun when it spins all fast and stuff because you have to close your eyes and laugh hysterically at the person in front of you who looks like it’s about to throw up. Then that’s not so fun anymore because if that person throws up then you throw up in disgust. I don't really like throwing up, I think no one does. Then you get all sick and then you get this mean-oh headache that gets you all dizzy. Then you want to throw up some more. I remember one Fourth of July weekend that my friend Adri and I went to Lake Tahoe. At first my parents didn't really want to let me go because it was just Adri, her sister Cristy and Cristy's boyfriend; Matt. But then I don't know what happened and I got mad and all. I can get pretty hysterical and all but then I use the quiet treatment on them. You can really tell something's wrong with me if I'm quiet. Well I’m usually quiet and stuff but not all the time. I have like this multiple personality and all. Well I don't really have a multiple personality but I surely do talk to myself a lot. A lot. Well anyways, I used the quiet treatment on my parents and they ended up letting me go. It was a really long ride. At first I was all excited to go and stuff because I had never travelled to other places. Well I did go to Las Vegas a couple of times but that was when I was fifteen or so. But anyways at first the ride was nice and all, I mean no bumps, no traffic and the sky was dark and clear. I usually don't like going to sleep when I'm on the road because I like looking outside the window. When we left it was I think six or seven pm and the afternoon was alright I guess. Then on the road we stopped to get something to eat. Since everyone wanted different things I didn't really care so I just got some Taco Bell because it was the cheapest. I don't know why every time I go out and stuff I don't really like spending money on myself, because I spend it on lousy things that I don't even use later on. But anyways Adri got some Veggie Burger from Burger King cuz she's a vegetarian' I'm a vegetarian too but I wasn't one at that time. She turned into a vegetarian cuz she saw this one video about Animal Cruelty from the PETA organization. She showed it to me but I didn't turn into a vegetarian right away or anything. Cristy tried to turn me into a vegetarian too, I didn't eat meat for two whole weeks but then I forgot about it and I ate meat. So then I just kept eating meat. My dad thinks Vegetarianism is stupid because it doesn't change the fact that animals get killed and all. That's true but then at least in a way it feels like I don't contribute to the consuming part. So I kind of understand my friend Adri now. My dad's a true carnivore. I swear he eats a lot of meat. He just loves meat. Probably eats red meat every day. Leo eats a lot of meat too and he's all tiny and all. I just don't get it, Leo eats and eats and nothing happens to him, he's cute though cuz it's like if his tummy just disappears the food. Anyways, I think Cristy got some Taco Bell too, I don't really remember.