Soothsayer's Times.


Styxbroox the world famous soothsayer and mountebank tells it like it is. Or might be.

Jan. 1st.
Peter Mandelson will announce that he is cutting all ties with New Labour and reality,
when he announces that he is training to become the first astronaut to fly into inner

Jan. 4th
When noises are heard being emitted from Barbara Cartland's mausoleum near Staples Corner in London, it is opened up and she is found to be alive and well. She will say that she felt that the hundredweight or so of vitamins consumed throughout her life and bathing in Yaks wee every morning, had helped her through this dreadful ordeal. She will announce that she and Jeffrey Archer the convicted fibber, will be married at a pagan ceremony at Stonehenge. This event will be sponsored by Sanatogen. She will also state that she and Jeffrey are working on a stage musical version of Paradise Lost, to be produced by Jonathon Miller.

Jan. 14th.
There will be an astonishing outburst by John Prescott when asked by a reporter from The Sunday Crotch if he still ate meat after yet another food scare. "I believe that Bovine Spongiform Whatnottery is a nonsense, a communist conspiracy, invented by mentally disordered muesli-eating social workers, and my pal Peter Mandelson went completely mad of his own accord with no help from mad cows thankinyew very much. The fact that my good pal Barbara Cartland swallowed buckets of vitamins to prolong active afterlife but is also a daily visitor at her local branch of Macdonalds at the age of a hundred and fifty four, speaks volumes I think you'll find.
Mr. Prescott's genitals will then explode.

Peter Mandelson announces that he and Barbara Cartland are about to tie the knot. The knot of what is never fully explained.
Draylon will become the latest in designer fabrics.
On Monday 14th the 8.25am train from Dorking to Victoria will be delayed for 40mins. because of a feeling of ennui.
David 'Hoody' Cameron the leader of the Conservatives announces that Boris Johnston will become The Minister for Doing Stuff.
Malcom Rifkinds teeth become magnetic and iron filings are attracted to them.

Mar. 2nd.
Peter Mandelson announces that he and Shane McGowan are indeed an 'article' and that his association with 'Babs' is now discombobulated. He will state for the record that he was never really a one for necrophilia. He and Mr. McGowan will live in a caravan on the site of The Roundhouse car park at Chalk Farm in North London.

April 9th
Infinity is discovered on a carpet tile in a council flat in Bognor Regis.
Spring showers arrive in Renfrewshire when the local bedding factory explodes.

May 8th
Boris Johnston comes out. Then goes back in again.
May 14th
George Foreman will become fed up with selling his 'lean mean grilling machine' and announces his return to professional boxing. Ingemar Johannsen (67) the Swedish World Heavyweight Champion in 1848 will be lined up as a first opponent for Gorgeous George.

June 28th
35 spectators will be killed at Wimbledon when a service game by new Croat tennis sensation Goran Eesasonofabitch goes awry.

Nothing at all will happen in July.

Inspissate will become the favoured word of the aristocracy; special prayers will be heard for it in Westminster Abbey.

August 18th
George Foreman fails in his bid to regain his World Heavyweight boxing crown when his opponent Ingemar Johannsen (67) throws a cream bun into his corner, and while jolly George is scrabbling on the floor for it, is counted out by the referee. Ingemar Johannsen will then be scheduled to meet Sonny Liston next. When he is informed that Sonny Liston was in fact dead Mr. Johannsen will say "Øh his play dØd rØØteen nØt fØØl me, I smack him with smØked kippers, den we see hØw dØd he are!

Sept. 4th
Peter Mandelson announces that he and Winnie Mandela are co-habiting. "You could say that we are a moneism will quip the oleaginous one. "The days I spent with Shane all seemed to meld into one long drunken binge, and I can state here and now that I can only apologise to Shane for my behaviour and will be seeking help from Alcoholics Anonymous.
David 'Wassup' Cameron in keeping with bringing back the 'big hitters' into the Conservative party thrusts John 'Lothario' Major back into the limelight once his affair with Anne Widdecombe becomes public. He announces a new campaign based on his old campaign 'Back to basics'. It is to be called 'Back to base sex.' "We've all got to root for Britain and I shall be rooting more than most he will say with a leer. The campaign logo is to be a pair of rabbits, in a position which can only be described as lewd.

Oct. 9th
Peter Mandelson speaking publicly for the first time since he last did ' with what looks suspiciously like a smouldering tyre around his hunched shoulders, will say (somewhat enigmatically) that although he and Ms Mandela got on like a house on fire, he didn't like being in it at the time.

Oct 10th
Stippling is banned by Royal decree.

Oct 13th
Eminem and Tracy Emin announce that they are to become a union. They will be known collectively as EMINEMINEM. The Times thunders 'COPROLITE TO WED COPROPHILE!' The Sun roars 'RAP ARTIST TO WED CRAP ARTIST!'

Oct 17th
Tony Blair sensing the wind of change steps down from New Labour and joins the Tory party. He is immediately given the new shadow post of Minister for Thumping Smaller Countries That Have Oil but No Nuclear Weapons.
Gordon 'Gorbals' Brown steps into his shoes and immediately begins talks with the Chinese government to forge closer economic ties. The Sun calls it LINKS WITH THE CHINKS!

Nov 5th
The man who invented woodchip wallpaper is beaten to within an inch of his life, then dragged to the top of Parliament Hill on Hampstead Heath in London, where the remaining inch is burnt to a crisp.

Nov 9th
Perpetual motion is discovered in a bowl of rice at Hoo Flung Dung's Rice 'n' Kebab take away in Mayfair London. When asked for a comment on this incredible news Stephen Hawking said "Well fuck me sideways with a length of 4 by 2 and then begins a jig and shouting "Drink, girls, arse, feck!

Dec 15th
Ms Barbara Cartland will walk into a pet shop for some Royal Jelly Crunchies for her Pekinese dogs, when she is set upon by a couple of Tarantulas the size of Australia. They begin to attempt to mate with her eyelashes. Without batting an eyelid (not that she could anyway) she whips out her latest novel The Lieutenants French Letter and begins to read it aloud. This had no effect on the spiders but the effect on the shop assistants was galvanic, who immediately shoot the offending spiders from the novelists face with both barrels of a shotgun.
Peter Mandelson is interviewed at Rampton high security hospital where he constantly holds a mirror to his visage. He spoke to the reporter from the Sunday Bolliques. "Yes you could say that Peter and myself are indeed an onanism. We are a whole we are a uniqueness we are the eggmen I am the walrus ' tum tum te tum.
John 'Hot Pants' Major thrust yet again into the spotlight because of his one night stand with the Dagenham Girl Pipers, has come up with a 'sexy way' (his words) to eradicate homelessness. The homeless in future are to be referred to as 'Abode Seekers.' "This is a cracker! said Mr Major at the Abode Seekers opposition launch, slipping into his famous Frank Carson impression. "It's not the way I tell 'em as the way I sell 'em, be jayz begorrah.
Mr. Major is available for after-dinner engagements and Bar Mitzvahs.
Dec 31st
Gordon Brown sells England PLC to the Chinese and buggers off.