Embracing happiness.

Also I've developed a new trick: Instead of thinking of my life as a list of all the momentously bad things that have happened to me, I now think of it as a list of things that have been good and that I have achieved. It's fab! And it takes the whole orphaned divorcee part out. Result.

I've always borne the good and bad with an indifferent shoulder shrug and a few pints and consoled myself with the knowledge that if anyone hasn had it harder than me...well they're going to die too. Any one who has had an easier more indulged life than me....well they're going to die too. Everyone is going to die and the sun will one day burn out and the whole silly business will be over!

High-Five for Emma!

Good for you, Emma! I spent most of my life trying to keep my head over water whilst the waves were crashing in all around me and lapping over my head, but then all of a sudden the sea became calmer and what's more, I realised that I'd learned to swim and was slowly but surely approaching the shore. Once I'd reached it, I couldn't believe what was happening and started to panic because I'd never learnt how to walk. Fergal wrote something interesting in another thread, something along the lines of: Most neurosis develops for the mind to protect itself. I found that very interesting and it made me think. Over years and years I had developed all these defense mechanisms in order to survive, but then the circumstances changed (and I changed!), and it took some time for me to realise that those defenses had become inadequate and in fact broadly obsolete. That's when the panic set in. After all, I knew how to swim but didn't have a clue how to walk up the shore. In any case, I think it needs some time to adjust - and learn to walk - and I personally think it's a great idea to get some counselling to help you through this initial stage. I was doing the same thing and it helped me a lot to look at things from a unique and very different vantage point for a change, which enabled me to unravel quite a few knots that I had previously been far too close to. I can't deny that I've reached some contentment and occasional happiness for the first time in my life, although there are still some issues (there probably always will be), but in any case I'm not overly worried, because even if the waves will be coming back I know that I can swim and somehow keep my head over water. (Hope that makes some sense) [%sig%]

Thanks folks. Yes, what Fergal said was interesting, and I have had defence and survival mechanisms in operation for as long as I can remember. It's learning to let go of them that's going to be tough but rewarding. I think the most immediate effects will be on my day-to-day life, I'm tackling stuff better, socialising more and just have so much more optimism and energy. It's just those dark moments I need to be able to handle and manage - when you remember things in flashbacks, and have emotional flashbacks that seem to put you right back in the moment of deep pain, my whole body stiffens and I start to twitch. I find it difficult to stay present in the moment and sometimes can't string a proper sentence together - and this happens at the most unexpected times - school playground for example, just when I am making small talk. My head seems to suddenly empty completely, like a car stalling. Professional help is the only way to take responsiblity here, so that I can fully embrace the change without the panic I talk of.

Sometimes we want the world to be so much one way, that we invent all these things internally to justify it so... I suppose it is a laudable instinct in one way, especially when we have suffered badly as a result of others actions... but they ARE 'constructs', and often as experience builds it up cracks do start appearing from the foundations upwards... causing all kinds of mental and emotional problems to surface. I think often we are scared to face up to 'reality', in case we imagine we won't like the messages we get. The truth is, when you confont reality and say... do your worst bitch!... you may have to get through some cynicism, but just beyond the facade there is this wonderful world that splays out in all directions... just waiting to be explored. The beauty is... this frees you to really make the most of what you have... wherever your starting point. It is then you are on a true road to individuality, wherever that takes you. This is a positive message to give to those who are suffering mentally or otherwise, I will never tire of telling it so. I don't think there is an unchangeable reason why people should contine to suffer and accept it. The thing is, that is only the start. You have to cultivate this mind that continually has to reasess reality, because reality changes every day. Forget fixed ideas of what is right and wrong... embrace the world and its glorious changing ways.

<> Hooray - I wrote something interesting! Seriously though, Emma, I would say to you: enjoy it! embrace it! Don't let your protection mechanisms stop you from living life to the full. The thing I said about neurosis developing for the mind to protect itself is a conclusion I've come to since trying to look at my life and my decisions from the outside in. The pattern I've had is that anytime I've been anywhere near having something genuine and wonderful is that I've pushed it away or generally acted as though I didn't care - nay, believed I didn't care, when deep down I really did. I recently discovered that 'the love of my life' if that's what I should call him, actually had feelings for me the whole number of years I felt something for him. A long time, over a decade, of me acting as though I didn't care made him think I didn't, and his cool response was, I thought, proof that he could never love me. I wasted a lot of time because of this, and possibly lost out on what could have been the most thrilling and wonderful relationship of my life. It is probably too late now, as we've both experienced many different things and have grown in different directions, but when I think of what I rejected just to 'protect' myself, I could weep. In a lovely cliche it all comes down to the fact my mum left when I was 7 and even though I begged her to take me with her, she - for her own reasons and protection I see now - couldn't. I made a silly vow that I would never love someone so much that them rejecting me could make a difference. I've had many rubbishy relationships, or even okay ones, where my feelings for the other person where not truly genuine (though not all). I've had flings and one-night-stands with people I couldn't stand the sight of, just because that seemed easier to me than to actually jump into head first. I have made a new vow to never do that again, even if I get hurt, because you can't protect yourself or anyone else for that matter, from life, so you may as well enjoy the highs and lows and at least feel you've lived. Who wants the previous way as a legacy? Not I! Go for it Em x

I suggest a bucket of cold water and someone really depressing (and annoying) to sit and tell you their problems for several hours, thus bringing you back to the real world.