what would you like to see in today's budget?

I would like to see Gordon Brown take 0.6 sips from his glass of water, which is apparently what ladbrooks are selling. (I don't understand spread betting, and doubt I really want to)

"If public sector productivity matched the private sector, annual economic growth would rise by half a percentage point, writes Sir Christopher Gent, chairman of the advisory board of Reform, the independent think-tank." These days, it virtually impossible to make any sensible comparison between public sector productivity and private sector productivity. There aren't any significant state owned companies in productive industries. Do Sir Christopher's researchers measure biscuit packaging against key-hole surgey? Should the NHS be looking to carry out more operations (which would me productive) or a smaller number of more effective operations (that would probably save more lives? Should they employment service be measured on its ability to get people into jobs or its ability to get people into jobs that they're still in three months later?

I saw a clip of Dennis Healey last night, back when he was Chancellor in the Seventies, laughing and saying "People are always saying to me, I wouldn't do your job for a million pounds" What rubbish! Of course you'd do the job for a million pounds. One budget - the threshold for basic rate tax up to forty thousand pounds, tax for the rich up to 80%, 30p off petrol, fags and booze. It would all go wrong, you'd be sacked and they'd do another budget on which the country could actually manage, you'd get your million and go down for time immemorial as the most popular Chancellor ever. I'd love to have a crack at it. As always, I'm hoping for big tax rises on stuff I don't buy - fags, petrol, whiskey, Corporation tax, inheritance tax, stamp duty - and a general slashing of the basic rate of tax and not much increase on beer. And I'll have my national insurance back where it was, thanks. The budget is going to be dull - we're not going to get any big pre-election bribes, because Labour are already guaranteed a walkover.

Slippers to become zero rated for VAT. Petrol tax to be replaced by shampoo tax. 100% tax rate on golden handshakes to company bosses who get the push for incompetence. Double road tax for 4 wheel drive gas guzzlers, Triple if they are only used to take one small child to and from school. Tax relief on pension fund contributions to be repaid in full the first time said pensioner utters the words "When I was your age we never had....." 2p off a pint of beer, to be funded by 2p on the little umbrellas that go in pina coladas child tax credit abolished for people who call their kids Jocasta or Rupert [%sig%]

can't stop laughing Hox, I agree with you it isn't directly comparable David, but it is at least partly comparable...for example the cost of staff "sickness" being so much higher in the public sector... But then you are left and I am right, so we'll never agree! although these are general political points rather than budget specific Increase duty on cakes, chocolate, and fast food to cover the cost of heart by-passes for lard arses. Ken Livingstone to cycle a free rickshaw service around zone one. ...and I've always been in favour of the compulsary introduction of dayglo paint into dog food so dog sh*t is lumnious at night

you can't be 'right wing' if you're a proper Christian *bolts out of door quick before gets swiped round head by Jude*

<<...and I've always been in favour of the compulsary introduction of dayglo paint into dog food so dog sh*t is lumnious at night>> Now that's the sort of thing that's going to go and get you elected one day Jude.

*swipes ...misses* There is actually a little group called Conservative Christians and my friend who is a priest said this was equivalent to having a group called Benevolent Masochists!

too right!

I'm with Hox on all of that - the shampoo tax is a masterstroke. I'd also like to see guaranteed winners this afternoon at cheltenham (but only I would be allowed to know them). On a more serious note please please please remove charitable status from private schools - that, in one fell swoop, would do more to close the class gap in this cuntry than anything else. Would they do it? It's more likely that Venn Ottery will win the 3.15.

More of my agenda... I think one of the great things about this country is free contraception for all! I'd now like to see it enforced to a degree! If Hox insists on VAT exemption for slippers I demand in the name of equality that this is extended to wellies! At the moment I enjoy BUPA because I get it free with my job but when I move to dorset it's the good old NHS (No Help Service) for me again. I would therefore like to see a jelly bean machine in the waiting room of all surgeries. All injections must be followed with a lollipop (in a choice of three flavours). Compulsory hard labour to be re-introduced to prisons (It costs loony amounts of money to lock people up). I think each town or village should have a common where anyone may graze their livestock, like it used to be....and each town should have a council appointed shepherd. Primary schools should have at least one pet per class. All this crap about allergies....we had a guinea pig in our classroom called JR and no-one died! Fishing, care of livestock and small animals to be part of the curriculum. Needlework and cookery to be re-introduced to primary schools for the girls...woodwork for the boys. Stuff political correctness...it worked for me...I grew up with a healthy loathing of sewing! Funding for Mickey mouse degrees to be cut...University places to be much fewer but fully funded irrespective of background/ social status/ class. Litter fines to be enforced by patrols!

<> JUDE!

<> JUUUUUUDE! (I liked needlework and crafty things at school, but I also liked woodwork. I think these things are good in primary schools, but do they have to be gender specific????????? That's not political correctness, that's fair)

Boys wear blue and trousers and do woodwork and metalwork...girls wear skirts and do sewing (badly and cackhandedly in my case) I was a real tomboy... hated girly things but looking back I think all that gender stereotyping made me more willfull and rebelious... okay...seriously...I do think both genders should do all subjects but turning kids into a hoard of androgynous, homogeneous drones aint good!

I think the gum tax is a good idea. Much easier to enforce than a spitting tax.

I would like to see Beyonce sing the budget in a skimpy costume.

I think sex should be taxed and there should be a celibacy tax credit.

I also think the whole of Surrey (my home land) should be exempt from tax on real ale in country pubs.

Sex is already taxed, jude. It's called marriage. *ducks*

but luckily, as a 'bride of Christ' you will have a charitable exemption. *runs*

The resignation of Gordon 'greasy bastard that no one really likes' Brown. Withdrawal of all subsidies to asylum seekers. All politicians have their salaries reduced to the national average. All pubs that are a public nuisance closed. All drinkers that are a nuisance have their arms removed. Second time offenders have their legs removed (those that aren't legless already). Third time offenders have their heads removed. Tobacco tax to be increased by 1000%. All public places to be smoke-free. All transgressors of the anti-hunting bill to be sent to Devils Island and have all assets confiscated. The monarchy to be dismantled and all assets sold, and cash raised given to the NHS for the establishment of decent residential homes for the elderly and chronically ill. I'm sure I could think of a few more, even if some of them aren't strictly fiscal items. Oh yes, and Eamonn 'Semi-Slaphead' Collins and Tony 'Complete Slaphead' Cook put in the stocks for even considering a tax on shampoo.

I laughed a lot at JT I wet myself at Missis though... I suggest moaning, complaining and swearing to have a flat rate duty of 30p per moan/ complaint/ swearword...that'll bankrupt you missis! All Essex men to be strung from the tower of London by their testicles An extra tax against wet boy-band members Income tax bracket to be based on Body Mass Index

I'm currently on a diet.

British gas to introduce a fart your bill away scheme by which they collect "natural gas" at public collection points, for each cubic metre you donate, they take 50p off your bill. Gas collected used to power powerstations.

"All drinkers that are a nuisance have their arms removed. Second time offenders have their legs removed (those that aren't legless already). Third time offenders have their heads removed." I think this really is government policy in Saudi Arabia, George.

AND they have no petrol tax! Shame about the rest of their medieval country.

"Slippers to become zero rated for VAT". (Hox) If you're a registered dominatrix you should be able to reclaim the VAT on slippers on the grounds that they're essential work tools and not clothing. I'd ban chewing gum altogether (re. Singapore) but if that's not feasible I'd make the senior executives of Wrigleys and suchlike spend their leisure time scraping the disgusting stuff off the streets.

Buy 1 get 1 free on all lipglosses.