Holy Garden Improvements Batman ...

i keep thinking i will go round and have it out with them ... "why DID you report me you c***s????????"

I hate neighbours - what can be done??? Mine are pleasant enough up to a point, but they own 4 gas guzzling vehicles...and when the 'cousins' are round my kids are victimised. I have been known to have doorstep rows with neighbours - yes, me! I'm with Betjeman...re good fences.

It would be tempting to print a fake letter from the council telling them they failed to apply for planning permission for... and it will have to be removed. I used to think of several different ways of getting my own back and then sit back and be content knowing I could have if I'd wanted to. It's a bit like kicking something you bang into - pointless but often makes you feel better anyway.

and being able to rent a helicopter once a wek, that isnt scale model means your destitute?

Throw a party for jonathan king, invite the neighbours kids and tell him they'll be staying until the bastards next door apologise

It's always a good idea to get into a pissing contest with people you live near. That way it can drag on forever and eventually someone can go to prison.

Agree with you fish that you can become obsessed - my life was once intolerable because of neighbours. I have much sympathy.

Have a doggie-doo MacBurger packaged & delivered to their front door. Don't forget the mustard, lettuce and tomatoes. But make sure it's not YOUR doggie's doo as they'll likely order a dna test on it, or something like that, and you'll be up to your neck in doggie-doo yourself. Peferable that it be pooper-scooped from the dog owned by the fuck-a-duck folks, the premise being that you can kill two birds with one helping of doggie-doo. * I got this supremely effective idea from an infuriated woman friend who sent one to her so-called bf who was in bed, entertaining another woman, when the doorbell rang.*

*preferable*

No point in rowing with them fishy, they would get satisfaction out of knowing they'd pissed you off. Bad neighbours are very difficult to deal with, I know, I have one too.

They're not neighbours, they're just people that you are unfortunate enough to live next door to. As Missi said, don't let them have the satisfaction. They're lonely.

just knock on the door one sunny afternoon and say, "Hi. Look is it alright if we have a quick chat? Only there's something that's been bothering me for a while now and I think you might be able to help." Then go into the kitchen and have a cuppa and sit down and talk it through, ask them why they did it but always keep in mind that, officially, you were breaking the law and maybe that's what had them bugged enough to report you. The chances are that they did it out of spite because you pissed them off prior to that but because they never got the guts up to knock on YOUR door they took their revenge in that most petty and underhand of manners. If you can find out what it was that caused all this and apologise then maybe you'll get an apology back and, before you know it you have neighbours you like and don't fixate on the immediate demise of. Neighbours can be great allies and terrible enemies so the noose is yours to tighten Fish. If it all breaks down into an argument tell them you know someone who has a fire pit in his garden so pooh on their crappy attempts at garden improvement and if they don't button it from now on he's gonna come round and give 'em a bum wipe to remember and no mistake!!! then blow an enormous raspberry and leave with your arse exposed.

For a moment there I was worried about your temprament, Ely - but it was swiftly resolved. You could always have peacocks come to live with you - they make a horrible noise most of the time and will really p*** off the neighbours - but they'll p*** you off too. Best leave it to the teenagers.

have loads of loud sex at three in the morning, or at least pretend to.

Go away for the week - leave the teenagers at home. That's revenge on a stick. You might not have a house left though - but savour that satisfaction whilst you can.

Rant and rave and shake a stick at em. You know you want to. You could also pretend (?) you are a witch and brew up some spells in a huge cauldron visible from their house ... bury chicken entrails with mysterious symbols in their front lawn. Give them the evil eye... Have your coven come round and do naked moonlight dances around a huge 10 foot phallus in your garden... At least that is what I would do.

*cringes at the thought of seeing a naked Gerry dancing round a 10' dick*

Cept.. er... I wouldn dance around a huge phallus of curse... More sort of you.. you know a hol.. a c..... I think I'd just probably invite Kilroy Silk around or something.

Ancient Indian Wisdom: dont live near anybody except tress and lots and lots of cousins...that should keep the peace :P Seriously I have it easy. Most of my neighbors are trees. The cemeteries have a larger congregation than the town meetings. I live right in the middle of town and all life seems to have evaporated to Mars by about 7 pm and the little country stores are closed. You have to drive 15 miles to get to a pharmacy. When they peg the population at about 5000 people in town, i think they read too much Tolkien and mistake some of the trees for ents :) We have obnoxious people here though. Most of them we call t-o-u-r-i-s-t-s.

Strangely enough, hiding in these woods, there are a lot of witches

Throw a party for the neighbours. Invite Jonathan King and introduce him as your cousin. Say that he'll be staying "until the press calm down a bit". [%sig%]

You could park this outside your house: Arrange for the scary bloke to come with it and I don't think you would have any trouble at all.

much as i would like to get one of the teenagers to piss in their outdoor hot tub i think ely speaks much sense ...

You could always move to a country like Poland where everyone is guilty of something so no one reports anything.

Have you considered getting an up-to-date Tax disc? *:-)*

Which neighbour owns the duck?

Maybe neighbour 2 will give you some of the something to smoke, Fish, then you won't care.

Shhhh... better keep quiet about your newly installed frog jacuzzi Liana.

actually i am obsessing about the neighbours who reported me ... it's unhealthy really ... but how MEAN ...

Try renting a helicopter and having it land on your lawn once a week, the wind will blow all the construction debris around and they'll think you're rich.