Oblivion by dempsey87

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Fri, 2006-02-03 13:37

http://www.abctales.com/story/dempsey87/oblivion

Not too great at critiquing, just really enjoyed reading it. A child's point of view well captured. Simple and beautiful writing.
And the little exchange between Jill and her sister about the meaning of traitor, faith and trust, simple and spot on.
My only criticism, the way the details about Edwin's death were revealed to the reader was a bit clumsy for me, although I was dying to know.

Fri, 2006-02-03 14:25

maisie

I am so glad someone flagged this peice up, i read both of your pieces Dempsey87, and this is to me is definately the best, you have a really good grasp of the art of talking thro your characters which makes the conversation breathe. lovely .. however in the opening paragraph (applies more to the other peice than this one) the wording appears stunted, crude, its less than your story warrants - unfortunatly this applies to more as of the bits where you tell not show, as josiedog has also identified. However you have some really good original thoughts and story to tell, so in my eyes you have acheived a piece well worth reading. if i were yoiu i would try and tell it thro the conversations, as i feel its there that you really shine.. :) best wishes maisie.

maisie Guess what? I'm still alive!

Fri, 2006-02-03 17:10

Juliet OC

i agree with the comments above, in that it as a good story, but you need to show not tell. As dialogue is strong maybe you could reveal why he is a traitor through Betty over hearing it in conversation? you do have some lovely description. 'Her little innocent questions were like open wounds. She felt the pain, but she couldn't touch.' Juliet

Juliet

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