Worst opening line of a novel

Looli, I think you went a bit too far! 'Her life was as messy as her underwear.' is much better don't you think?

Old strand, but what the hell. If Taj does ever write his James Bond crossed with village fete baking novel, there is only one possible title... SPONGE -FINGER (Da, na, na)

"He had big hands". "Yes, and what about Nigel's mum?" "Yes, she had big hands too." I spotted Peter standing next to Tabitha Bungleweed, he was wearing a moustache and continually mentioning `Dresden` in a funny Welsh accent. "This is no place to shoot parrots." Geoff smiled and aimed for Polly's head. "Sorry old chum, blasted hair trigger." There were feathers and the strong smell of cordite.

Glancing nervously about him, beads of sweat forming on his brow, Colin licked his cracked, dry lips and gingerly reached a hand towards the quivering, fat-cheeked hamster blocking his path. "It's no good," he thought, "I'll have to scream for help."

Thanks for the Bond advice, but I'm now thinking of writing a book composed entirely of bad opening lines.

Dear Stormy, Apologies for the delay in replying - I've been dying with the flu so haven't been around. However, I'm back now (if a little fevered) I'm sorry to tell you that I'm not the person who gets to choose the winning line - that falls to the editors - so you'll have to wait for a little longer. I'll ask them about it on Monday. Thanks for reminding me though :-) Cheers Emily

As dawn tinged the distant mountains, Jeremy eased the burning pain in his rear by concentrating on the prize money he would surely win for sitting the longest time possible on a pogo stick PS I also like the 'camel' one!

Brenda knew that day was too hot for tights as her gusset grew more moist.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Actually, it was kind of in between the two, more like it was the most mediocre of times...a tale of two pretty average cities if you will...

Brilliliant Amy! I wonder if parodies of famous first (or any other) lines is another possible forum topic? Here's the first line of my version of "Pride and Prejudice": "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of good fortune must be in want of a slap".

"Juicy isn't a word I would connect with granny Robert." Robert smiled and put another muffin on the mule.

"There are more ways than you could possibly guess." Said Aunty Florence extracting the poker from Uncle Brian's bottom. It was a ghastly wedding, the bride wore flippers. Benidorm, in winter, still it was Spain I suppose. Our cases were taken to our room by a balding man from Wigan. He had a limp and smelled of elderberries.

Say what you will about Beryl - there weren't many fat girls who could suck their own toenails and breakdance at the same time.

The Antartic, white and cold. Wrap up warm!" We were told, and by golly they were right! We were pulled along by 25 pink flamingos, they didn't last the afternoon.

As I am now reading Barnaby Rudge by the wonderful Charles Dickens I could not help but re-read his first line. It is truly appalling: 'In the year 1775, there stood upon the borders of Epping Forest, at a distance of about twelve miles from London - measuring from the Standard in Cornhill, or rather from the spot on or near to which the Standard used to be in days of yore - a house of public entertainment called the Maypole; which fact was demonstrated to all such travellers as could neither read nor write (and at that time a vast number of both travellers and stay-at-homes were in this condition) by the emblem reared on the roadside over against the house, which, if not of goodly proportions that Maypoles were wont to present in olden times, was a fair young ash, thirty feet in height, and straight as any arrow that ever English yeoman drew.' I couldn't have made it up!

I think I'm laughing more at the new names Mark Y Brown is coming up with than the actual content of the one liners. I make it 8 different ones now Mark but that could be an underestimate as I haven't time to do any detective work. I'm surprised Missis Hippy hasn't been on your case! Maybe he is too busy meandering today. Geoffreyguttockbumspindle indeed!

i think my last effort was probably the best opening line of all time, never mind the worst!

'Cheryl was an unpublished writer.'

Re : Taj's idea of distorted worst lines of original novels. How about existing novels that would never have been published if their first lines had been :- "Hercule Poirot scowled - all those people trooping one by one into the carriage to stab the gentleman who slept within was proving most annoying, he had come on the Orient Express for relaxation, not to solve a murder committed jointly by all the suspects. " (Actually this device worked for about thirty episodes of Columbo, so maybe I'm wrong) Or, "it is a truth universally acknowldeged that by the end of this book the male and female lead characters will realise they loved each other all along." By the way Taj - have you got any stuff on the site- I've looked under T and H but come up blank. If you wish to preserve your anonymity within the forum drop me an email.

Great idea - being topical: 25 cigarettes, 6 Cosmopolitans, 4 trips to the loos to reapply makeup, still no boyfriend. 'Stuff this for a game of soldiers' though Bridget Jones, 'I'm going to concentrate on my career'

Right enough of this meandering, let's straighten out ! You're not having a good day are you Stormy? The names you attribute to Mark 'Le Bonk' are the work of Diana 'Liana' Bird, or at least some of them are. Don't give up the day job and stay away from private eyes!

Neither are you it seems dear Mississippi. FYI Mark can use Diana Birds email to post stuff since it's probably a standard ABC mail. Check your newsletters out and you will see what I mean. The style of writing and humour is the same in all the posts which is what set me on it in the first place. Given your sense of humour I thought you may have joined in with the frivolity but I have clearly upset you in some previous life. Yours NON-patronisingly

Stormy, I can't get away with anything on this site, even when I use a different e-mail address! I can't help it I'm addicted, and whats so unfair is that I'm not allowed to enter the competition because I'm `staff`. Geoffrey Guttuckbumspindle, is actually the name of my plumber. Lisa unfurled the flag and broke out into the `Tongan` National anthem. For a moment the whole congregation were transfixed, then little Freddy Flynn shouted at the top of his voice, "Mummy, that lady has a moustache!" And the magic was broken.

The was a definite sense of anti-climax as Lady Transit at last let out her famous Bodmin Raspberry. Lord Transit coughed politely and kicked her in the ankle, which somewhat restored a sense of equilibrium.

Right now I'm really pissed off! Will you all stop hiding behind false names and have the honesty to identify yourselves. Marks crap excuse that he's embarrassed about his contribution rate is pretty lame; if he's embarrassed stop contributing! I'm not embarrassed about my rate (although I have made a few gaffes that have led to grovelling apologies!) it has led to me having, in the words of, (to borrow from a well known TV character) Lovely Dubberley, a rapidly increasing stable of admirers, one of which even titters! I'm trying to be frivolous but I'm going through a bad patch at the moment and struggling.

Dear Mississippi, relax, calm down, and have some cornflakes. The fact is I have many aliases because I'm all things to all men. Sometimes to you I'll appear as a piece of Haddock, to someone else a slice of mango; it's all relative. The main thing is that I keep taking the pills.

Let's get something straight, all things to all men includes me and I flatly refuse to be included with you especially as you never know who you are and all your relatives appear to be bits of old dead fish and portions of tropical fruit. What the hell are you anyway? Man or vegetable? If I were you I'd STOP taking the pills before you start smelling like a fishmongers apron!

I think I've actually only written three poems here (awfully embarassing); they're under the category "And now" in my little name thingy on the poetry bit.

At a prearranged signal from Nigel the director, the young pop star smiled artfully over his shoulder at the television camera, then stepping into public toilet the performance was over.

"as the pies flew menacingly across the room, how we all laughed, gay and bright in our idylls!"

Anything by Jeffrey Archer, mainly because he then carried on and finished the inane rubbish! And keep your sexuality out of it Richard, we don't wish to know!

that was gay in the old stylee. you go, girlfriend!

I'm not sure if you're quick or I am dumb.

"The dullest man in London sighed heavily with delight, it had been many years since anyone had taken him up on his invitation for a tour of his Sellotape-Through-The-Ages collection, and who knew, perhaps the gullible visitor could be pursuaded to tread the mildewed carpet of the Blu-Tac wing of the museum too; let's begin the tour and leave nothing out" Actually, I can't top yours. Austen is surely the most overrated author of all time. You can't supposedly satirise the penchant for romance and marrying off daughters in society families and then end up with all your characters happily married off. Hundred years later, she'd have been Barbara Cartland with slightly more style.

'Hank realised that his life would never be the same again. He knew his knees hated their knobbly status, but that had never stopped him entering them into a number of mind-numbing knobbly knees contests. He knew his knees desired their freedom, but he could never have guessed at the lengths they would go to to gain that freedom. He recognised now, with hindsight, the ill omen of a Butlins over-booking and the rapid resettlement to the Pontins down the road. Now, sadly, it was much too late.'

" It may have been an ugly camel, but it was my camel, Mahmood sighed and picked a fly from his eyelid. The smell of dank cat drifted over the campfires and we talked of tommorow and the chances of a a good harvest."

Once upon a time etc etc etc.........

"I could not possibly hope to adequately describe the events of that fate-filled day, but i will do my best."

I wasn't sure if we have to make these up, or if they have to be from real books, so here's a made-up one, just in case. Please don't shoot me if it's not the right criterea! "Irrepressibly, she recklessly swung the car into on-coming traffic, and sighed happily at the thought of the ensuing cataclysmic chaos." Sheesh, where do these ideas come from?! Hehehehehe....

yes - you should make them up! These can't be entered for the prize as I'm Chief Exec of the company but I liked making them up in any case: 'Ferdinand awoke on the surface of the blank planet Angostura and realised he couldn't remember anything - not even his name.' 'I've always thought that a country and western song was too short - but a country and western novel, now there's a thought.' 'My friend Percy can name all the stops on the London Underground Circle Line, starting at any station going clockwise or anticlockwise and I love to spend hours trying to catch him out.' 'It wasn't the Aurora that interested Aurora, more the Borealis.' They should be one sentence folks! Keep them coming.

Proposed entry: "It must be hell out here in the monsoon season, " she mused knowingly over the salmon mousse souffle, while similtaniously allowing herself to fall into the rich brown eyes of the husky, coconut-coloured Don Juan opposite her. With apologies to the English langauge...

I'll try, but this is all a bit new. Tansy the Toadfish tittered to herself as she stealithily slipped the statutory stinkbomb into Elly the Eel's elongated, eclipsical evening gown. Hope this can provide a few groans! This is a great site- with some smashing links. I recommend it strongly to anyone who has stopped by out of accident- it's a terrific place to start looking for creative writing tips and links. A big thank you to the editorial staff.

"!stnatum sup, gnikcus-mucs, live uoy, mood ruoy teem ot erapreP" screamed Gonad the Barbarian, beginning to regret the 'talking backwards' curse that Buttsqueak the sorceror had put on him.

THIS IS MY ATTEMPT>>> It is I, Jean Paul Sartre, taking a seat, pouring a little cup of tea, reading Waiting for Godot, feeling generally ill and full of this wretched ennui which has overtaken myself since you looked at me, you female person. <<< I'd like to nominate Mark Yelland-Browns opening line, the smell of dank cat immediately persuades me not to read further into a novel which i'm sure could run into a series of unconnected incidents rivalling the English Patient. Rick

These are so bad, they're good? am i sick?

Any mention of "gentle readers." It's stupid; readers are a mixture of tame, loving, wild, reckless, and shamelessly agressive individuals!

What defines a 'made up ' first line? Something that is made up just for this discussion thread? Or just soemthing that we have 'made up '.? ..which is what fiction is anyway. Or just not published? Anyway, in the spirit of blatant publicity seeking....which is waht you have to do to be noticed in this world here is the first line of my current work in progress. "It was at the end of John’s funeral that Gillian realised that she had still loved him and that it was his betrayal that had bustled her love, like a spare sock, into the back drawer of her emotions." Now if that is not 'bad', then it must be at least,' not bad ' which means that the work of which it is the first line, may possibly be 'not bad' and therfore possibly worthy of publication. Who defines bad anyway?

John Smith; herein being referred to as the party of the first part......

The piano played while the reflected, sequined sky waltzed upon the moonlit lake, and Sandra wondered at the magic of this handsome stranger, whose mere presence so easily and immediately transported her from a suburban gazebo all the way to Heaven. (Be interested to know what the next line should be...so many romance cliches to choose from...)

"It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness." --Paul Clifford (1830) This heralds the announcement of the Bulwer Lytton Prize for the worst beginnings to a novel (deadline July 2001). Check it out, it's hilarious! Also check out www.audiopartners.com/books/100050.html for similar groaningly ghastly prose.